Reborn
by popchoc
Summary: A new planet brings new enemies, but help is just around the corner. "I told you I'll always be with you." A The 100/FTWD/TWD crossover, following two long lost lovers, together with their friends and foes.
1. 01 Prologue

_When some fan art on tumblr turns into a joke and a joke turns into a one-shot. Honestly, this isn't much more than a quick scribble, a small attempt to show how these two worlds could actually collide._

 _Story is canon up to FTWD 4x16 - though a few years have passed - and The 100 5x13. (In other words: S5 of FTWD and S6 of The 100 never happened!)_

 _English is not my first language, I apologize for any spelling errors._

* * *

 **R-E-B-O-R-N**

I'm not just born.

Sure, I've found my way to this world, like everyone else. I have a mom, and a dad. I even have a brother. Or had - I should say. I've had a childhood, although for some reason I have no _real_ recollection of it.

I do remember the world around me changing, though. Quickly, and not for the good. I lost people because of it. Way too many people. All of my people, eventually. I made it through, but I still have to fight to survive. Constantly, and till this very day. Fighting to survive, that's my new life. But it doesn't feel new. It feels strangely familiar.

Why? I have no clue. I've never been able to figure it out. Not until today, until this moment. The moment that the sky opens up in front of me…

Hidden between the trees, together with my tribe, I watch how the foreign object comes closer and closer towards us till it hits the ground, almost gently, telling me there is nothing this pilot can't handle.

"Pilot?" the others cry out, bewildered. "That's no plane, is it?!" "What is this thing?" "Who's in there?" "Why d…"

I don't share their questions, nor their panic. Because I know what I'm watching. I've seen it before.

Strangers arriving from outer space. Invading my woods. _My_ woods? Yes, I'm suddenly sure about that. There have been woods before and it had been up to me to protect them. And just like now I hadn't been fighting alone.

But…

I look at my friends. No, they hadn't been with me. And neither had my family. Madison. Trevor. Nick. They're not part of this… dream?

I look at the spaceship again. The spaceship that doesn't fit the scenery. That doesn't belong here. But that brings me back to a place I once knew so well. How could that be? I don't understand. Yet the longer I watch, the less doubt I have. I haven't just pictured this. I experienced it. This other, yet very real life.

It wasn't a dream. It's a memory.

A very blurry memory, that is. Which is why I can't see it. I can't see who's been with me. But I know: I have been fighting before - although with the living instead of the dead. And not just with one, or two, or… no, entire armies I defeated. Defeated _and_ commanded.

No wonder I can kick everyone's ass!

A loud hissing sound breaks the silence that has fallen over the woods, bringing me back to the present. I move my eyes to the heavy door that is now slowly opening, like a drawbridge.

"Can't be Walkers, right?" Morgan quietly speaks up. "That thing just crushed the entire herd!"

I shake my head. "Stedaunon don gon we," I mumble.

He turns his head to look at me, his eyes questioning. "Say what?"

"The dead are gone," I repeat myself, vaguely aware that I was speaking in a different tongue, and with my gaze still stuck on that door. As soon as it hits the ground two bearded men, a teenager and a girl with face tattoos step outside - heavily armed, prepared for any danger. Unless they _are_ the danger?

"The living are hungr-" I continue, but my voice stops mid-sentence as soon as my eye catches the blonde that follows them. She lifts her hand to protect her eyes from the bright light, covering her face for the lurking audience, but those first two seconds were enough for me.

Gasping for air, I freeze.

"Clarke," I whisper, subconsciously grabbing Strand's arm in the sudden need to hold on to something - anything.

He looks down on me and raises an eyebrow. "Are these your relatives?"

I look back at him. "What? No, I'm not talking about… I'm not even sure if… " I swallow, trying to wrap my head around this. "…if that's my name."

Now Strand is the one who's confused. "It's not? Then what is?!" he frowns.

"I- I don't know," I stammer, my eyes already drawn back to the scene in front of me. By now the small group has spread out. They've lowered their weapons, probably assuming it's safe enough. The girl is standing there by herself, her face turned towards the sky.

"But I know _her_ ," I murmur, more to myself this time.

As soon as the words are out I know that's an understatement. I don't just know this girl. I know everything about her.

Her story. Her mission. Her strengths and her weaknesses. Her pain, her joy, her losses and her victories. I know her voice. Her smell. I even know her heartbeat.

Still unable to move I keep gazing at her. At this girl, bathing in the warm, afternoon sunlight, with the softest smile on her lips.

Those lips! How could I ever forget about those lips!? I've stared at those lips - so, so many times. Secretly. Thirsty. I watched them when we talked strategies. I watched how they turned into a smile, just like they do now, but also how they'd set in a hard line after I… after I betrayed her.

I've seen them quiver. I've seen her wet them with the tip of her tongue, mindlessly. I've seen her biting the bottom one, trying to stop it from trembling.

And I've sensed them on my own. I've kissed them. Tasted them. Felt them all over my body. Softly, when they traced the lines of my tattoos, and more firmly when she'd reached her destination.

I've witnessed up close how she clenched her eyes, right before my name rolled off those lips.

 _"Lexa…"_

I remember her, everything about her, and because of that I finally remember myself.

I am Lexa kom Trikru. Heda of the Thirteen Clans. Heir to Bekka Pramheda.

I'm not just born. I am reborn.

I have lived and died and yet survived - somehow, in this… this void, for God knows how many years. I have a past. A past that matters. That deserves a second chance. And that's why after all these horrific years, in which I lost everything, including hope, I suddenly know, more than anything, that I have a future after all.

My future is right there…

… getting captured by a Whisperer!

Shit! Where did he come from?!

Unable to move, or even to breathe, I watch how Clarke is attacked from behind, disarmed and thrown over that monster's shoulder. Three more Whisperers show up, carrying guns and knives, forcing Clarke's friends to hide in their ship - saving themselves instead of her. I get it. I do. They don't stand a chance. No one fights the Whisperers.

No one but me, that is.

I deeply exhale, draw my gun and start to move.

"Alicia, stop!"

I look over my shoulder.

"Don't follow them!" Lucy begs. "You can't keep risking your life for just anyone."

I show my friend a weak smile. "She's not just anyone…"

And then I run. Faster than I have ever ran. Zigzagging between the trees, following the Whisperers into a darker, more grim part of the forest. They are strong and fast and they seem to know their way around here. But I'm trained for this - even if it's a hundred years ago!

So I don't give up. I keep hunting them till they reach an old shack. That's when I stop. To catch my breath and to estimate the situation. There are two men outside, guarding the place. The other two went in, with Clarke. I can only hope that there's no one else inside.

I have to be quick since I have to rely on the act of surprise. I can't miss a single shot. Good thing I wasn't just trained by Anya… I learned a thing or two from Jake as well!

I load my gun, step from my hiding place and shoot twice - hitting both men straight in the head before they even see me. However, two loud, long-distance shots mean I have to run. I cross the open field between the trees and the shack in just a few seconds. Right when I get there the door opens. Without giving it a second thought I point my gun at the massive man in front of me. He doesn't seem impressed though.

"Let her go!" I command.

He gives me a once-over, head to toe, and shows me a crooked smile. "Or what?"

I answer him by shooting a bullet right between his eyes.

The fourth man, who's holding a big knife against Clarke's throat, turns towards me - dragging Clarke along.

"Let! Her! Go!" I repeat myself, my voice surprisingly steady.

The man seems in doubt. We are both armed, but I'm like half his size. I might not be a threat. I nod my head and he moves his eyes from my pointed gun to his friend's face - or what's left of it. Slowly he lets go of his grip.

Clarke tumbles forward, on to her knees, then quickly sits up. Our eyes meet - finally. She's gagged, but even if she could say anything she's clearly lost for words. I can see it in her eyes: could this really be…?

I step closer and kneel down in front of her. I gently rest my hand against her cheek. A sigh of relief escapes me when I feel her lean into my touch. My heart swells and I can feel how my lips curve into a smile, despite the current danger.

"Hey there," I whisper. "I told you I'll always be with you."

... ...


	2. 02 Clarke

_The first one-shot by me that won't turn into anything more has yet to be written. Anyway, hope you guys like this second part..._

* * *

 **CLARKE**

This can't be real. This can't be possible. There's _no way_ she can be here.

But she is.

Hardly two feet away from me, kneeling down to the ground, and gently caressing my face. She looks different; not so much in her features, but in her manners. Less warrior, and not just because of the lack of warpaint. I recognize the affection in her eyes though. The affection as well as the pain.

She looks different and yet exactly the same. So all I can do is gaze at her. Watch how the corner of her mouth gradually quirks up.

"I told you I'll always be with you," she smiles.

Speechless, I swallow and slowly nod. She did tell me - again and again actually, since her very last words to me have echoed in my head from the moment they were out. Hearing them again reassures me, tells me it really must be her, but my tensed body doesn't get the chance to relax. Before I can even blink she raises her other hand. The hand with the gun.

Oh God, I was wrong. It's not real. It's a trap!

The deafening bang makes me flinch and I instinctively protect my head with my arms.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" she cries out, cautiously scooching closer again. "I'm not gonna hurt you. I would never- I _could_ never hurt you. But he was about to!"

When I slowly lower my arms and look up she nods to something behind me. I turn my head to look over my shoulder and watch the man who captured me lying on the ground, now only three feet away from me.

He's dead.

"I'm sorry I scared you," she apologizes once more.

I turn to face her again. She's not smiling anymore. She just stares at me - worried. I can't help but stare back at her. My mouth feels dry and my heart is pounding out of my chest. It's not all fear though.

With our eyes still locked she carefully removes the gag from my mouth. Once freed from the dirty rag I gasp for air.

"Lexa?" I breathe, finally able to form words again. Or well, one word. The only word that matters.

She gives me a half grin and nods.

I reach out and lightly touch her cheek with the tip of my fingers. When I realize my hand isn't disappearing in some hologram - or worse: a wormhole - I add a little pressure and follow the contour of her jawline. My eyes never leave hers.

"B- But how...?"

Lexa shrugs, shaking her head. "I don't know. I really don't." She sits up straight and glances over her shoulder. "I know we can't stay here, though. The noise of the gun will draw more of them. Probably a herd too."

"A herd?" I frown as she gets up.

"Walkers," she clarifies, like that tells me anything. "Come here, let me untie you."

But I can't move. I'm completely overwhelmed. The arriving at this new, insane planet. The frightening abduction that followed. This unexpected, mindblowing reunion. For the first time in my life I feel like I lost all control. So I just sit here, on this dirty ground, as Lexa kneels down again to release me from the ropes around my wrists.

When she stands to her feet she extends her hand. The soft smile returns to her face. "You trust me?"

I swallow again, force my body to wake up, and accept her hand. "With my life," I whisper.

"Good," she grins as she pulls me up, "Then come with me."

Without letting go of me she turns around and leads me outside. It's getting dark already. We quickly cross the open space in front of the shed to find shelter in the woods. Once between the trees Lexa starts walking towards what I believe is east.

"Wait! I think we came from the other side," I stop her. Pointing at the twilight sky I continue, "The sun was right behind me when I got here. See that glow over there? It must have set just a few minutes ago. And there's Orion, so we only have to st-"

I abruptly shut my mouth when I see Lexa's lips twist into an amused grin. "Klark kom Skaikru," she laughs, "The Girl From The Sky. It's really you, isn't it?"

"Am I wrong?" I frown.

She shakes her head. "No, you're right. But we can't go there now. It was quite the run up to here, it will be pitch black before we get all the way back - let alone find it. It's far too dangerous."

"But I need to get back!" I tell her. I can hear the desperation in my own voice. "My people, they'll be worried!"

Lexa takes a step forward and lightly rests her hands on my shoulders. "I'm sorry," she says with a soft voice, and I believe her. "My camp is close-by, we can reach it if we hurry. I promise I'll bring you to your ship first thing in the morning, if... if you want me to."

I nod. I don't know if I want to - I don't really know anything right now - but I know I need to.

She nods as well, then averts her eyes. As she fumbles with the shoulder strap of my coat I notice her smile is gone. I want to say something - anything - to make her smile again, but I'm lost for words. Besides the moment passes quickly.

She clears her throat and turns around again. "Come on!" she calls over her shoulder.

I follow her. She was right, it's not that far from her camp and we make it there right before the darkness covers us.

There's an armored truck. It reminds me of the rover, only way bigger. Around it, in a half moon shape, are a few tents. Between the truck and the tents are a bunch of people sitting around a fire. I hesitate.

Lexa, noticing I'm suddenly staying behind, turns towards me. "It's okay," she smiles reassuring, "They are my people."

I narrow my eyes. "Trikru?" I question, drawing another laugh from her.

"There's no Trikru here," she giggles. "There are no clans. Or maybe in a way there are, but..." She stops talking and shakes her head. "But these folks, they are just... just people. Good people!" she quickly adds.

For the second time today she offers me her hand. Together we make our way to her people - her apparently good people.

They jump to their feet as soon as they spot her.

"Alicia!" they all cry out in one voice.

Lexa quickly glances at me. "That's me," she explains beneath her breath, "Just go with in!"

Before I can respond we're surrounded by men and women asking questions. I can tell they're relieved to see her again and it warms my heart to know that she's found people who care about her. I notice she doesn't really answer them though. Instead she shushes them, though with a warm smile.

"Guys, I'm alright. Nothing to worry about!" she reassures them, before pulling me a little closer before I can stop her. "This is Clarke. My- My friend."

Not giving the small crowd the chance to question me she faces me, raising her eyebrows. "You're hungry?"

"Not really," I answer. "Actually, I'm... I'm kind of tired."

She nods understandingly, then moves her eyes to the young girl standing a few feet away from her. "Charlie, you sleep in the van tonight," she dictates her. It's one of those moments that a hint of the Commander shines through. A hint of Heda.

"Who's on watch?" Lexa - or Alicia?! - continues in the meantime.

A man steps forward. "Al and I are on first, Morgan and Sarah on second. You can rest tonight."

She thanks him with a grateful smile, then turns to me again. "This way," she bobs her head in the direction of one of the tents. She picks up a burning oil lamp and leads the way, and just like before I follow her without further questions.

The tent is small, yet big enough to stand up straight. It's almost empty, except for two mattresses, one on each site, and some junk. I guess they travel light.

"No thrown?" I can't help but joke.

Lexa shows me a weak smile. "I'm sorry I can't offer you much more," she shrugs apologetically. "You can take whichever bed you want."

"Thank you," I mirror her smile, but for some reason I don't move. I feel like something has shifted in the air. Even though being around her again feels incredibly familiar I'm also highly aware that it's been a very, _very_ long time. I hate it, but I'm afraid we're not the same people anymore. We can't just pretend like all those years in between didn't happen.

As I'm standing there, lingering and uncomfortably scuffing my foot through the dirt, Lexa seems to share my quandary. Looking somewhat shy herself all of a sudden she coughs and turns around, giving me my privacy - I think.

I'm not going to strip down though. Not because of her, but because this seems to be a place that needs you to be ready at any given moment. So instead I only kick off my shoes and drop my heavy coat to the floor, followed by my henley. Keeping my pants and tank top on, I randomly pick a mattress and crawl under the stiff blanket. The smell on the pillow tells me it's Lexa's.

The sound of the shifting bedding makes her turn around again. Seemingly without giving it a second thought she drops herself down on the other bed. She lays down on top of the blanket, fully clothed as if she doesn't intent to actually sleep, but stretches her arm to turn off the lamp anyway. Maybe I was wrong, maybe this is how she sleeps? Maybe the night gown days are over?

With the small fire burning outside as the only source of light it's hard to really see anything - to really see her. Lying in the dark like this, we stay quiet for a while.

"So, who's Alicia?" I eventually break the silence that's driving me crazy.

l can hear her move on the bed a little. Did I make her uncomfortable? "I am," she answers. "I mean, it's not just another name. It's another life I lived - _live_ ," she corrects herself. "I don't understand it myself, but I know I'm as much Alicia as I'm Lexa."

I think I'm starting to see it. I mean, I don't _get_ it - the 'how' of this all, but I think I'm getting the picture. She started over - somehow. This isn't her first day. She's born and raised here, she has a history, besides her history with... well, me, among others. And she's right not to ignore that.

I roll to my side and watch her, even though I can't see much more than the shape of her body. It's enough to make me smile. "Well, I can't wait to get to know her!" I calmly tell her, and I swear I can hear her exhale in relief.

For a moment we stay quiet again, until I remember something else. "Those Walkers you were speaking of... What are they?"

"They are... They are kind of like Reapers," Lexa starts to explain, "Humans turned into primal monsters without a mind of their own. Only in contrast to the Reapers you can't bring them back. 'Cause they're dead."

I swallow. "That sounds horrible. Are they your biggest enemy?"

"I really wish I could say yes to that," she sighs.

I have so many more questions, especially since I still have no idea where I actually am, but I feel like I shouldn't ask them. At least not right now.

"So you remember the Reapers?" I quietly ask instead.

Lexa turns to her side as well, facing me. "I do. I remember everything. But-"

"But what?"

She takes a deep breath. "But I didn't till today. It wasn't until I saw you that it all came back to me. I'm really sorry, Clarke," she continues in a small voice, "I'm afraid I forgot about you."

She feels bad. I can tell. I don't want her to feel bad.

"I bet you didn't," I tell her, my own voice surprisingly steady. "You just didn't know yet how to connect the dots. It's a lot. Heck, I still don't understand half of it. But I'm sure the dots were always there."

"Hm," Lexa just hums.

Of course I have no clue what I'm talking about. Maybe it's my own wishful thinking, the need to believe that our past wasn't completely erased for so many years. Her silence makes me nervous, but just when I'm about to apologize - like, what the hell do I know about her situation? - she speaks up again.

 _"Now that she's back in the atmosphere, with drops of Jupiter in her hair..."_ she mumbles.

I frown. "I'm sorry?"

"It's the first line of my favorite song. Like my _ultimate_ favorite. I never really got what made this song this great to me, why I loved the space metaphor that much," she explains, quietly adding, "Perhaps it was a dot?"

I can't suppress another smile. I'll definitely take it.

Naturally she doesn't notice, since it's so damn dark in here. Instead of waiting for my reply she starts to sing - softly and in that specific way when one seems to be elsewhere for a moment, without anyone listening to them.

 _"Tell me, did you fall from a shooting star, one without a permanent scar, and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?"_

My smile fades away.

"Every day," I whisper.

"What?" she asks, a hint of confusion in her voice.

Fighting with a sudden lump in my throat, I repeat myself. "I missed you every day."

Lexa rolls onto her back again. "I hate that. I hate to know you were in pain, that I wasn't there for you-"

"Hey, you're here now," I interrupt her.

She grumbles. "How's that helping anything?"

"Oh, it's helping!" I set her straight. Unable to bear it any longer I kick the blanket off me and cross the three feet to the other side of the tent. "It's helping a _lot_ ," I sigh as I lay down next to her.

She turns her head to look at me. Her breath caresses my cheek. "How- How long has it been?" she asks with some hesitance.

The sound of her voice makes me wonder if she really wants to know. I swallow again.

"Over a hundred years. Hundred and thirty, to be more precise."

Her muteness reflects my own overpowering feelings.

"I used to count the days," I quietly go on. "One hundred. One thousand. Two thousand... Until I couldn't anymore. I tried, I really did, but it was like counting the stars on a bright night: impossible."

She doesn't say anything. Instead she moves her hand that's lying close next to mine and laces our fingers - cautiously, like I might withdraw at any moment. But I don't. Of course I don't. There's nothing like the feeling of her skin against mine again. Nonetheless a sudden giggle escapes me.

"Also I was asleep most of the time," I chuckle.

"There's so much you need to tell me," she sighs. "But not right now. You should get some sleep."

Instinctively I roll to my side to rest my head on her chest, right when she lifts her arm to welcome me as if she was waiting for it. "You stay with me?" I mumble as I find warmth and safety in her embrace.

She rakes her fingers through my hair, tenderly. "Of course," she whispers, "I'm not going anywhere."

... ...


	3. 03 Lexa - Alicia

**LEXA | ALICIA**

"You might wanna change your Grounder memento for something more comfortable," I suggest while I watch Clarke maneuver herself into her sturdy coat. She turns around, a smile lighting up her face when she realizes I had my eyes on her. "The summer sun will make you die in there," I smirk.

"Great idea! Did you happen to see a shop around here?" she winks, "Or a trading post maybe?"

I snort and shake my head. Pulling my backpack towards me I take out one of my own jackets and hand it to her. "Here, take this one."

She accepts the light garment with a smile and tries it on.

"It fits," she cheers, spinning around on her feet. She looks stunning, and hot, and she makes my heart go crazy.

"Perfect," I smile, "You look-" I fall quiet, realizing I'm only making things harder. "...perfect," I repeat myself, mumbling beneath my breath.

I leave the tent before she can respond. There's no need to postpone this any longer.

Clarke follows me outside. Trying to catch up, she pulls my sleeve. "Wait? You're not taking any of your stuff?"

As I turn around to face her I notice the confusion in her eyes. "No, why should I?"

"I don't know, because you might need them?" she shrugs. "You're... You're coming with me, right?"

I blankly stare at her, and she gazes back at me in anticipation. For a moment everything around me seems to turn still.

"N- No," I stammer. "I'm just bringing you back. I won't stay there. I- I can't stay there."

Clarke closes the distance between us and takes my hands into her own. "But you can't leave me. Not again. Please!" she begs.

I take a deep breath, but before I can say anything someone clears their throat behind me, drawing my attention away from Clarke's pleading eyes. I look over my shoulder. It's Al.

And John. And June. And Wendell. And Strand.

It's an audience.

"You can use my truck," Al smiles, suggestively raising her eyebrow, "You know, if you guys want some privacy?"

I look at her, then at Clarke, then at the small group around us, before I return my gaze to Al and show her a small yet grateful smile.

"Yeah, okay."

Grabbing Clarke by the hand I bluntly drag her with me, up and into the SWAT truck. "Get out," I tell Charlie, who's still in there. Once we're alone again I turn towards Clarke.

"I'm sorry, I just assumed-"

"No, _I_ assumed," she cuts me off, "I assumed you would want to be with our people. That you would want to be with me."

I throw my hands in the air. "I _do_ want to be with you. But those people, they are not my people anymore. And I am not their Heda anymore. Yet we both know they won't see it like that. They will expect things from me that I can not offer."

"But why not? If anyone can lead us in this new place it's you!" There's desperation in her voice. I'm afraid I sound just the same though.

"Because I don't want to!" I cry out. "Being a Commander, it's been such a burden. I realize that now more than ever. Now that I can actually _choose_." Slowly exhaling, I gently lay my hand on her upper arm. "This is my life now. And even though things turned to hell I am free. I'm free! And I'm not trading my freedom for anything."

Clarke swallows and lowers her head.

"You can stay with me, though?" I quietly, almost cautiously suggest. "We could be free together?"

She shakes her head without looking at me. "I can't," she sighs. "It's not just my people..." She looks up at me through her eyelashes. "It's my kid."

"You have a kid!?" I exclaim, unintentionally provoking a laugh from her.

"Kind of, yeah," she grins. "Hey, a lot can happen in a hundred and thirty years."

Unwillingly, a soft chuckle escapes me and for a second the air feels less heavy.

"Okay, well, you both come with me then? We won't be traveling much longer. We're actually on our way to a community not that far from here, since we can all really use a break. We're not in yet, but two more shouldn't make a difference to get asylum or not." I look at her expectantly, unable to hide the hope in my eyes.

"She'll never come with us," Clarke murmurs, rubbing her temples.

I frown. "Can't you just tell her? I'm no expert here, but isn't that part of your job as her... as her mother?"

"Ha, you've clearly never met her," she scoffs. "First of all, remember who raised her. Secondly, she's a Nightblood. She's born headstrong! And last but not least..."

She doesn't finish. Instead, she drops herself onto a crate, her back partly towards me.

"What?" I cry out. Seriously, what could be more shocking than the Nightblood-thing?

Clarke heaves a heavy sigh. "She's the Commander," she continues. "Madi has the flame. She became Heda, shortly before we went back into space."

Okay, I did not see this coming. Speechless I just stare at her. Clarke goes on.

"So she will want to stay, I'm pretty sure of that. She feels very responsible. And I need to be at her side."

She doesn't move. She just sits there, with her eyes fixed on nothing. I squat down next to her.

"Hey, I get it. She's your kid! I would never ask you to choose. Never!"

"I know," she nods. "It does feel like a choice though. Even more than... even more than before."

There's nothing left of the bliss I felt last night. Seeing her this upset I truly believe that I'd rather never have seen her again, than to make her go through this.

"I wish I hadn't come after you," I confess, "I only made things complicated."

She finally looks at me again, her eyes boring into mine. "Are you kidding me? You saved my life!" she exclaims. She tenderly rests her hand against my cheek. "You are my life."

I bite my lip, trying to keep it from trembling. "But so is she," I whisper.

Clarke just nods. There's nothing left to say.

I take her hand and scramble to my feet, pulling her up with me. "Come," I just say, "You have to go."

She takes a deep breath, nods again and follows me outside. By now my friends are busy with more important things. They probably want to leave soon. I ask Clarke to wait for just a second and hurry to my tent to get my gun barrel. On the way out I walk into Al.

"You're leaving?" she asks me.

I shake my head. "No, I'm not. I'm just bringing her back."

"Good," she smiles. "Cause you owe us a hell of an explanation about that rocket ship - or whatever that thing was. Plus, you know... you're one of us."

I return her smile. "Don't you forget it! I'll be back in about two hours. Wait for me okay? Oh, and do you maybe have some extra knife, or something? For Clarke?"

Al pulls a butterfly knife out of her pocket. "She can take this one. It's a bit rusty, but I assume she won't need it for dinner."

"Let's hope she won't need it at all!" I sigh, as I thankfully accept the knife and stow it away in my pocket.

"So, a girl, huh?" Al goes on, making me look up at her again. Her smile has grown into a full-blown grin. "If only I'd known..."

I snort and playfully push her away from me. "Bye Al," I call over my shoulder, "Don't go anywhere without me!"

It's about a three mile walk back to the ship.

When we cross the woods I tell Clarke about the Walkers - quietly, since I don't want to attract any attention. I give her Al's knife and explain how to defeat them - "Hit them in the head. _Always_ in the head!" - and why you should avoid bites at any costs. I tell her about the Whisperers, who often pretend to be Walkers, but are more dangerous since they actually do have working brains. (Although one might question that.) I reassure her that there are good people too, you just have to be careful who to trust.

I tell her everything she needs to know in the short time that's left. It's not until we're almost there that I bring up our current situation again.

"Just talk to her, okay?" More nervous than I'd like to admit I force my lips into a weak smile. "Who knows how she reacts?"

Clarke narrows her eyes. "I can tell her about you?" she asks.

"Just her," I nod, "No one else." By now we can see the ship through the trees. "I'll wait right here. Just in case you..." I don't finish my sentence.

She nods as well, understandingly, then takes a step away from me.

And another one.

And another one.

Right then, just when I think she won't look back, she turns around and rushes back to me. Without saying a word she cups my face and presses her lips against mine.

One kiss.

We share one kiss before she lets go and starts running to her ship. To her people.

To her home.

... ...


	4. 04 Clarke

**CLARKE**

To feel her lips on mine again.

In all these years I could never have dreamed of it. Yet if I had, I know it would have been exactly like this. As soon as our lips touch a bolt of electricity shoots through me. They are still a perfect match.

 _We_ are still a perfect match.

Fighting the urge to deepen our kiss I reluctantly pull back. Our eyes lock, just for a short second, but long enough to tell me that we share the same thought. The same fear. The last time we parted it took us over a century to find each other again. Why does it suddenly feel we're there again?

I blink - a pointless attempt to shake off the image of what could be - and force myself to turn around. I start running, towards the transport ship... and away from her. I know she watches me go, but I can't look back. If I do I'll never make it home.

And I have to. I have to see Madi. Have to see if she's alright. And maybe, against all odds, if she's willing to leave it all behind.

So I keep running. Through the forest, across the open, deserted field, straight to the Gagarin. The drawbridge is open, though guarded by two of Octavia's armed men. They don't stop me, as they recognize me straight away, and I ignore them, since I obviously don't care about them right now.

A few steps in I walk into Madi - literally, as she's restlessly pacing back and forth with her eyes on the ground. Only just managing to prevent from being tumbled over, she looks up.

"Clarke! You're safe!" She throws herself into my arms. "Thank God you're safe!"

"I am. I'm okay," I reassure her. I break our embrace and closely examine her face. "Are you? Is everyone alright?"

She nods. "I think so. I sent out two search parties to find you. The first group just returned. They ran into some kind of... creatures. It was dark, so they couldn't really see. They said it might as well have been some animals. They got away though, everyone is fine. Just some scratches. And Diyoza got a nasty bite-"

"A bite?" I interrupt her stream of words. A flicker of panic crosses my face. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, she said she could feel teeth ripping her flesh." She narrows her eyes, looking puzzled. "It's nothing to worry about. Your mom took care of it, she sterilized the wound. Stitched her up. It really shouldn't be a problem."

"It is! It's a huge problem!" I cry out. "Madi, those creatures, they aren't animals. They are Walkers. And one bite will turn you into one of them!"

Madi takes a step backward, shocked and confused. "You mean..?"

I swallow. "I mean Diyoza just became a hazard. A real one. We- We have to kill her brain before she turns," I explain, inhaling a sharp breath before I continue, "We have to kill her."

Madi stares at me, aghast and flabbergasted.

"How- How do you know all this?"

I glance around me. Even though we're alone right now people can pass by at any moment. I take her by the arm and lead her into an adjacent room. After closing the door behind us, I take a deep breath and face her again.

"Lexa told me," I blurt out.

"Lexa?! You found another Lexa here?" Madi frowns.

I shake my head. "No. No, I didn't. I- I found _my_ Lexa."

Madi blinks in surprise. "Your Lexa?" she questions astonished. I can see the worry growing in her eyes. "Are you really okay? Did- Did someone drug you, or something? You know Lexa died, right? A long time ago?"

A small sigh escapes me. "Yes, I was there," I breathe. I take her by both shoulders, less gently than I intend to. "Madi, I'm not going crazy. She's here. She... She started over somehow. She's living a new life, with new people. A new name even. But it's really her. Inside and out. It's Lexa."

The look on her face tells me she has a hard time believing me. She seems to try though.

"How is that even possible?" she quietly asks.

I let go of her and heave another sigh. "I don't know! She doesn't either. She remembers her life, even her death, but nothing much after that."

For a moment Madi keeps silent, and so do I. I understand. It's a _lot_ to wrap your head around. She's the first to speak up, taking me by surprise when she does.

"The City of Light," she states.

"What?"

"The City of Light. That's where she's been."

Now I'm the one to frown. "But that can't be. I pulled the kill switch. I destroyed it!"

"No, you didn't. You only changed the purpose," she corrects me. "You brought the living back. The ones with the chip. But The City of Light was not just a place for the living, was it? It's a place for the deceased as well. Not all of them. Just the-"

"-Nightbloods," I finish her sentence

Madi nods.

"Who told you all this?" I ask her, but she stays quiet, her lips pressed together. "The Flame," I answer my own question.

Once again she just nods.

Feeling exhausted all of a sudden I take a seat on one of the benches. Madi follows my example.

"So? Where is she?" she asks me with a hint of curiosity in her voice.

"Out in the woods. She..." I fall quiet and clear my throat. We've reached the difficult part. "She doesn't want to come back. With or without the Flame, she'll be seen as the Commander again. Maybe not by everyone, but still. And she's very certain she doesn't want that anymore. She chooses her new life."

"Over you?" Madi asks, drawing her eyebrows together.

I slowly shake my head. "Not necessarily. She asked me to come with her. Try to settle down somewhere. Without-"

"-us?"

"Yes. No! Not all of you. I told her about you, and you can come. Of course you can come!" I take her hands into mine - firmly, like I don't ever want to let go again. "Madi, you have to come. You need to come!"

Madi surveys my face. "Why?"

"Why?!" I exclaim somewhat bewildered, "Because I can't leave you behind! You're way too young, and-"

"Clarke!" she cuts me off, "I'm not a kid anymore!"

"But you are!"

"No, I'm not! Don't you see it? I'm a leader. I'm their Heda!" She pulls her hand away from mine and waves it around like the room is filled with people. "The people of Wonkru, they listen to me."

"Yes, they do. But they don't take care of you. Not like I do. They worship you like a leader, but Madi, to me you're so much more!" I get up and kneel down in front of her. "Maybe you don't feel like a child anymore. And you know, I get that. But to me you are still a child. You're _my_ child. And I love you so much, in a way they never will."

"I love you too, Clarke," she softly smiles, "But you know I can't come. I have a job to do. People rely on me."

I nod. I do know. I know it's useless, I know there's no way I'll change her mind. So I shouldn't even try.

"Then I will stay wi-"

"But you should go," she interrupts me, sounding very determined. "You should be where you belong, and in the end that's not with me. It's with her."

I jump to my feet. "No! No, it's not!"

"Clarke, I've seen the pain in your eyes when you spoke about her. The tears when you thought no-one could see you. Did you know you talk about her in your sleep? She has never ever left your mind."

Frantically, I shake my head again. "I won't leave you."

Madi stands up as well. She faces me and I suddenly realize it won't be long anymore till we're actually eye to eye. When did she grow this big?

"Then I'm sending you away," she states. "I banish you."

I open my mouth to protest, but no words come out. Is she for real?

"You saved my life in so many ways," she goes on in a softer tone. "One of them was by giving me a family. It's not just you and me anymore, there are other people now to look after me. Bellamy, Octavia, Niylah, Echo... even Murphy. They care about me, too. I will be okay. But for that I don't need to see how much you love me. I need to see how much you love _you_."

Still speechless I just stare at her.

"So go! Go and settle down and have babies and... be happy! You deserve it, more than anyone."

I feel a tear sliding down my cheek and quickly brush it away. "I don't want to lose you," I whisper, fighting the lump in my throat.

"You won't. We've been here before, remember? So let me be the one to say it this time: we _will_ meet again."

She forces a smile and I manage to do the same. Not knowing what to say anymore I pull her in for a tight hug.

"Goodbye, Child from Hell," I breathe into her hair, drawing a soft chuckle from her.

"Goodbye... Mom," she murmurs, pulling me closer, before abruptly pushing me away from her. I let go, press a kiss on her forehead and turn around. For the second time today I don't look back.

On my way out I grab a gun from the small weapon room. I don't take anything else though. I don't own squat anyway.

Leaving the ship I start to run again. Although I feel heavy with sadness, I can't stop the smile on my face from growing. Beaming, and slightly out of breath, I reach the spot where I left Lexa behind.

She's gone.

... ...


	5. 05 Lexa - Alicia

**LEXA | ALICIA**

"You think we'll make it?"

I turn around and look at Al. She hands me another piece of canvas to load into the truck and shrugs.

"Hope so. According to Morgan it shouldn't be that far anymore. We only have a few drops left though."

I shove the canvas under one of the benches, then rest my hand against the cool metal of the vehicle. "Are you ready to say goodbye yet?"

She doesn't answer me. Instead she slowly shakes her head and takes a seat on one of the steps. I join her.

"Shouldn't we be used to it by now?" she muses after a minute of comfortable silence. Her eyes are on our friends who are breaking down the camp. "Wouldn't it be easier if we became immune for goodbyes? For loss?"

"Easier? Yes," I nod, following her gaze, "But also inhuman. Feelings, even the shitty ones, are the one thing that separates us from all the bad out there. They keep us going. And they make us who we are."

She turns her head to look at me. "Someone who wants to cry over the loss of a truck?"

Shrugging my shoulders I give her a half grin. "Apparently," I giggle, before playfully bumping her shoulder with mine. "But hey, don't be so hard on yourself. You two have been inseparable for years. You can shed a tear over that."

For a moment we just keep sitting there, nostalgically smiling over something that's soon to become a memory.

"How about you?" Al breaks our silence. "Any tears at your goodbye this morning?"

My smile fades away and I avert my eyes. "I can't talk about that," I sigh, my voice suddenly unstable.

"You can't or you don't want to?"

"I..." I think back of this morning, of Clarke running away from me, and feel a sharp pain hitting my chest. "I can't," I mumble.

Al turns toward me, careful not to fall of the small rung. "I'm sorry," she sighs.

I look up at her. "What? No, don't be. You didn't know-"

"I mean about whatever you're going through," she interrupts me. "I have no clue what's going on, but I can tell it's hurting you. And I hate to see that. You're my friend, and no one should make you feel like that."

I slowly exhale and show her a weak smile. "No one does," I breathe, hardly audible, "No one but me."

She rests her hand on my knee and gently squeezes it. "Well, I am still sorry," she says. "For you, but also a little bit for me." I frown at her, my eyes questioning, while a twinkle appears in hers. "You could at least have given me an hour alone with her!"

Caught off guard my jaw drops. This time it's her who bumps my shoulder. "I'm talking about an interview!" she laughs, and I can't help but laugh as well. She taps my knee and stands up. "Come on, let's help the others. It's time to leave this place."

I jump to the ground, but don't follow her yet. Instead I watch her join the group. Watch how they collect the rest of our stuff - efficiently and organized, but also at ease, clearly well attuned to each other after all this time. I watch a group that turned into a well-oiled machine. A family even.

I made the right choice by staying. I know I did.

So why does it hurt so freaking much?

Trying to pull myself together I heave a sigh and turn around. With my eyes on the ground I walk to the cabin of the truck. My mind is elsewhere. It shouldn't be. In a world this dangerous it should never be. This time is no exception.

The rough push against my shoulder comes out of nowhere. I stumble backwards, even more when a second push follows.

"You left me!"

Struggling to stay on my feet I manage to look up.

It's Clarke. And she looks furious.

"You left me!" she calls again as she gives me a final shove. My back hits the truck while she takes another step forward, closing me in. She isn't done though. "You said you would never leave me," she cries out as she starts hitting me, vigorously and with eyes spitting fire. "But you did. You left me _again_..."

For a second I feel I should let her, like she _should_ hit me, cause yes, she's right - I left her. She's allowed to be angry, and if she feels better by hurting me... But then I see it. Her pain, hidden behind her anger. She doesn't want to do this. She just lost control.

She needs my help.

I lift my arms, protecting my face from her persistent blows, before I'm finally able to grab her wrists. Still enraged she keeps fighting me, trying to pull herself loose. I notice how much stronger she's become, but I refuse to let go.

"Lexa!" she shouts as we wrestle for dominance. "Let me go! Let me-" She continues to writhe, forcing me to tighten my grip. "Let met go!"

"Clarke!" I hiss, "Clarke, stop it! You're hurting yourself!"

As she keeps struggling I can tell she hardly sees me. She does seem to hear me though. It's the slight hesitation of her body in reaction to my voice that gives her away, and that keeps me going.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, Clarke. I didn't mean to- I didn't think you'd come back! Please, believe me!"

And then she finally gives up. Out of breath she lets go, slumping her shoulders with the deepest sigh. At last her eyes find mine. They're telling me this isn't a trick. She's done. I exhale and slowly lower our arms.

"I'm sorry," I quietly tell her again. I loosen my grip on her wrists and lightly rub my thumbs over the harmed skin. "I'm sorry for hurting you."

We both know I'm not talking about these bruises.

"You left me," she gasps once more, her lip quivering and her chest still rising and falling with rapid breaths.

I open my mouth to speak up, to apologize, to explain, but I don't get the chance. Before I can say a word she brusquely leans in to connect our lips - almost as fierce as when she attacked me, not to mention taking me by complete surprise. I don't need much time to adapt though. Kissing her is always been like breathing, it's the most natural thing I know. So without giving it a second thought I part my lips to welcome her in.

The kiss is hungry, filled with urge and desperation. It's not sweet, it's claiming. It's a question - a supplication even - as well as an answer.

And it's the both of us.

It's the both of us clinging to each other for dear life.

When we finally do break apart she keeps leaning into me, pinning me against the truck, her forehead lightly touching mine.

"Don't ever leave me again," she whispers. Her warm breath hits my lips.

"I- I just thought..." I stammer, "I mean, I don't get it. You can't be here. Madi would never agree. The voices of the Commanders, they are so strong. They would never..." I swallow. "They keep you trapped, you know. Like a prisoner. As long as she has the Flame-"

"Shhh," Clarke shushes me, "You're right. Madi isn't here."

"But you are. It's just- It's not possible. I know you would never leave her," I state, certain yet confused.

She gazes at me, squinting her eyes a little. "You never even waited, did you? You never believed I'd come back?"

"I couldn't," I confess, my eyes now on the ground. I shake my head, "I was so sure that the Flame would win. I couldn't allow myself the hope that I was wrong. You see hope, it's the one enemy I can't beat. I learned that the hard way."

"You know what I just learned the hard way? How fucked up these woods are!"

"I didn't know you would cross them - let alone all by yourself!" I exclaim, "You were supposed to choose Madi!"

Clarke takes a small step backwards. "I did," she admits, "She uh... she banished me. She sent me away."

My head shoots up and I stare at her, bewildered. "She did what?"

"She told me to be with you," she goes on. "Or...?"

I narrow my eyes. "Or what?"

Mirroring my expression she tilts her head a little. "Or did you? Are you still in her head, somehow?"

"What?! No!" I cry out. "I mean, I can't remember ever being in there, but... no! I would _never_ do anything like that. Force you to be somewhere? No! You wouldn't be you without your loyalty. That's why I-"

We both freeze. Seconds pass by.

Oh, screw it!

"That's why I love you," I finish the sentence I once couldn't.

She doesn't reply. Instead she pulls me in again and presses her lips on mine. Her touch is softer than before, the kiss now full of affection. It makes me want to drown in her embrace.

But I can't. The loud, unexpected voice startles me.

"Alicia!?"

Pulled out of the moment I feel a little disorientated for a second. I look around.

"Can't say you two aren't entertaining, but we really have to go," Strand remarks from a short distance. "The back is cramped, all seats are taken. If your friend is coming, then you two have to squeeze yourself into the passenger seat."

I nod, then look at Clarke again. "You go sit in the cabin, next to Al. I'll be right there."

I let go of her and walk away, yet I stop when I look over my shoulder and realize she isn't moving.

"Clarke?"

She blinks. "If I come with you... If we leave this place..."

She falls quiet, but I think I know what worries her. Hurrying myself back to her I take her hands into my own. "We come back for her. This place we're going, it's not far," I reassure her. "But it's safe. More safe than being out here. When we get there, we make a plan. Clarke?"

She looks up. Our eyes lock.

"We get her back. I promise!"

Letting out a long breath she slowly nods.

"Okay," I force myself to smile. Truth is I have no clue how to defeat the Flame. I just know we can't stay here. "I just need to get my barrel. I'll be right with you."

She nods again and this time she does actually turn around. I speed to the back of the truck and note that everyone is in there already. Strand, sitting next to the backdoor, is holding my weapon - knowing too well I was coming for it. Yet right when he's about to hand it to me, he pulls back again.

"Now, call me crazy, but did she just call you Lexa?" he questions, a curious look on his face.

My brows snap together. "Seriously? You were eavesdropping?!"

"I prefer calling it coming to the rescue when a friend is getting attacked. You just didn't seem to need the help after all," he winks. "Now what's with the name?"

"Not now, Strand," I sigh, grabbing the barrel from his hands. "Not now."

Turning around I quickly make my way to the cabin and climb in. Squeezing myself next to Clarke I close the door and tell Al we're good to go.

"We used to have more space," I tell Clarke as I wrap my arm around her so we're both sitting a bit more comfortable - and also because I really want to. "We were driving two trucks, but we had to give up the other one as we could find less and less gasoline. Won't take long before we lose this one, too."

She tilts her head. "This plan- place, I mean, hasn't always been like this, has it?"

I shake my head. "No, it hasn't. It used to be alright."

"So when did it change?"

"Honestly? I lost track of time. Ten years maybe? Al, what do you think?"

I look aside, suddenly realizing this conversation must make no sense to my friend.

"Ten sounds about right," she nods, before looking at Clarke. "You're not from around, are you?"

"She's from LA," I quickly come in between, "just like me."

"So you guys go far back?"

Clarke looks at me, then back at Al. "You wouldn't wanna believe!" she sniggers, before nestling herself a little bit more into my arms.

The rest of the ride we are mostly quiet. Fortunately we are not bothered by blockages or other road problems, and our tank seems to be just full enough. Morgan, sitting right behind Al, tells her where to go and ultimately where to stop.

"We're almost there. Let's walk the last part, since our vehicle doesn't look as friendly as we do," he suggests.

The walk is short indeed, it only takes a couple of minutes before we get the first glimpse of the community. Or the walls around it, actually. As we slowly approach we can see guards on top of them. Getting even closer we can see their faces.

That's the moment Clarke and I abruptly stop walking.

"Is that...?" Clarke cries out, right when I start asking her the same.

We look at each other, almost too flabbergasted to finish our own questions. But we do, together in one breath.

"...Luna?!"

... ...


	6. 06 Clarke

_And here we have our third series: The Walking Dead! (Canon until ep 9x10 - meaning a few eps after losing Rick and that big time jump, and a few eps before the heads on spikes drama.) I realize my reading audience will decrease with every show I add, as less people watch all three of them, but hey, let's just accept that as a fact and consider ourselves a select company (or clan?) from now on. This part being for those still with me! Enjoy!_

* * *

 **CLARKE**

We're lead towards the gate by a man named Morgan, as I just learned, and who's apparently been here before. There are ten of us. Is that a lot? How many men and women will be behind that wall? Probably more.

We come to a hold.

"I'd like to see Maggie," Morgan tells the armed man at the gate. His voice is calm, almost polite.

The man crosses his arms. A scowl darkens his face. "Maggie is gone," he states.

The news seem to shock Morgan. To unbalance him. "Did she- Did they get her?"

"No," the guard answers, shaking his head. "She just left. Joined another group. Who are you, anyway?"

"Morgan!"

The reply isn't coming from Morgan himself. It's coming from someone behind the guard. A woman, as it turns out when she gets closer to us.

"Tara!" Morgan's face lights up. "How 'bout that? You live here now?"

"Worse," she snorts, "I'm running this ship."

"Then you're the one I need to talk to," he smiles. "We're looking for a place to stay. To settle down for a while."

She narrows her eyes, drawing a line between her brows. "All of you?"

Morgan nods and takes a step closer to her. "Yes, all of us. I know we're with many, but we can all help out. And I can tell you these are all good people. I've traveled with them for years, I know all of them very well," he tells her, before partly turning around to follow her gaze, as she's already checking us out like we're on some kind of meat market. His eyes linger on me for a second. "Almost all of them," he quietly adds.

When he faces her again she shrugs apologetically. "I'm sorry, Morgan, but we don't have the space for that many people. We accepted a group of five just a few weeks ago, they got the last trailer. We're packed."

"We've got tent-"

"Besides," she goes on, ignoring his attempt to convince her, " _you_ might know them, but we don't. And like you said, it's been years. Things have changed. We've all changed. Who tells me you didn't? Who says you're still _our_ Morgan?"

"You don't trust me?!" It's hard to tell if it's a question or an observation. I can't see his face, but he sounds stunned. This clearly isn't the welcome he was counting on.

"I want to, but come on, you know we have to be very cautious," Tara shrugs again. "We can't be naive. To us you are nine strangers. Ten if we count you."

"We're not all strangers."

The words are out before I know it. Yet before I can worry if this is my smartest move, I already hear myself go on. "We know her!"

I point at Luna.

Tara looks surprised. "You do?"

Without waiting for my confirmation, she turns around. "Magna!" she calls for Luna, who's still up on one of the walls, "Can you come down for a second?"

Before Tara's focus is back on me, Lexa leans in. "Clarke, what are you doing?" she murmurs beneath her breath.

I look at her from the corner of my eye. "Trying to get us in," I whisper. "Isn't that what we're here for?"

"Yes, but don't you think-"

She can't finish.

"What is it?" Luna - or Magna was it? - questions as soon as she shows up next to Tara.

Tara faces her. "These people claim to know you. Is that true?"

"Not all of us!" I quickly clarify, "Just us." I gesture at Lexa and myself.

With a blank expression on her face Luna gives the both of us a once-over before turning to Tara again. She gives a dismissive wave of her hand. "Never seen them before. Whatever they're selling, don't buy it."

As she's about to turn around, I instinctively take a big step forward, though I stop right there as I catch the guard doing the same.

"Wait!" I try to stop her. "Please, I know it's been years, but-"

This time it's Luna who takes a step closer - a little too close for my liking, to be honest. On the other hand, the fact that she's this intimidating just proves to me that it's really her.

"You question my memory?" she snarks.

"No, she doesn't." Lexa rests her hand on my shoulder and discreetly pulls me two steps back. "We're just talking about a real long time ago. I believe I haven't seen you since I was twelve, so..."

Luna frowns. "Seen me where?"

"At the- At the training," Lexa answers her. I can tell she carefully weighs her words, trying to avoid names and places, yet also realizing she does need to give her _something_ , since Luna just keeps staring at her. "You know, for the Conclave? We were both novitiates."

"Novi-whats?"

I search for a sign of recognition on her face, but there is none. She isn't lying. She really doesn't remember.

And she's really not going to help us.

Luna turns towards Tara again, showing us her back. "Seriously, I have no clue what they're talking about. They're frauds. You should send them away!"

She doesn't wait for Tara's response, neither does she give us a second look; she just walks away. I follow her with my eyes, watch how she meets another woman halfway between us and some big mansion in the far back. The woman wraps her arm around her and pulls her close. She kisses her temple. They laugh.

"... can't right now, I need to talk to some others." Tara's voice coming from afar draws my attention back to her conversation with Morgan. "I'm not sending you away, but I can't let you in either. For now you can set up your camp over there, next to the crops."

When I peek over her shoulder again, Luna is out of sight. And when Tara closes the gate, the entire settlement is.

Mission failed.

We all look at each other. "Now what?" a woman called June wonders out loud.

"Set up camp," Morgan sighs, "And hope for the best."

Together we walk back to the truck. I make sure to stay close to Lexa - not just because there might be Walkers around, but because I am very aware of the disappointment of the group - a heavy feeling that outweighs the fear of the living dead.

"I made it worse, didn't I?" I quietly ask her.

She takes my hand. "Maybe," she admits, "But maybe we didn't stand a chance to begin with."

"Your friends might feel different. They might want me to leave now," I mutter. I can feel panic sneaking up on me. Will I lose her if they do?

"No, they won't," Lexa calmly reassures me with a light squeeze. I mirror her action, only to hold on more tight. "Like Morgan said, they're good people. They're not out to judge, or punish. The days that we're all at each other's throats - sometimes even literally - are far behind us."

I look aside, the corner of my mouth quirking up in sudden amusement. "You've come a long way."

She returns my smile in a way that makes my belly flutter. "You have no idea," she grins.

We make it back to the truck without any trouble and drive it to the designated spot next to the vegetable patch, and close to the wall. The tents are up in no time, and Lexa and I retreat in ours.

"This isn't right," she sighs. "Being this close to a wall that can actually protect us, yet being at the wrong side of it."

Rolling out the mattresses, and making sure they're right next to each other this time, I look at her over my shoulder. "You think it would have made a difference? With Luna, I mean. Would she indeed have helped us, if she remembered?"

Lexa hands me the blankets. "I don't know, she might have. The Luna I knew would have."

"I hate to tell you that she changed a lot after your-"

I fall quiet mid-sentence.

"-after my passing," she completes my words, showing me a soft, warm smile. "It's okay, Clarke. _I'm_ okay. I found my next shore, remember?"

I force myself to answer her smile, despite that I can only offer her a sad one in return. I'm glad that she's okay. Relieved to know she didn't suffer, and that she was able to leave it all behind her, even though that meant she forgot about me. But I never forgot about her. I had to live with it, for all those years. With the pain, with missing her every single day. Yes, we found each other again, in some miraculous way, but every day I spent without her feels like a lost one. There's nothing that can change that.

Heaving a small sigh, I lie down on top of the blankets. Lexa watches me, then follows my example, nestling herself in my arms.

"What happened to her?" she asks, her voice hardly louder than a whisper.

I swallow. "She died in pain."

"Doesn't everyone?"

"That's not what I mean. I'm not talking about a painful death - although from what I've heard, it wasn't a good one. I'm talking about darkness," I start to explain, making sure to keep my voice down. "To you she is the girl who stopped fighting. Who went away to live her life in peace. Believing there was still good in the world, that people were good. And worth saving. That's how I met her as well. But Lexa, she lost it all. Her entire clan. Her faith in humanity. And in the end, even herself. The last time I saw her, I hardly recognized her. She was bitter, and angry, and just.. giving up on the world."

Lexa doesn't say anything. I give her a second to process it all, before I quietly continue, "And that's why I'm not sure we should try again. What if remembering means going back to that very last moment, to that very last memory, right before the fear of-" I can't help but hesitate once again. "-the fear of dying?"

"It does," Lexa slowly nods. "But it's not a bad feeling. Remembering made me feel happy. Of course there was this sadness and unfairness of how I'd got ripped away, but it brought a smile to my face nonetheless. Because..." Tilting her head, she looks up at me through her lashes. "Because more than anything I felt blissful in that very last moment. Because I was with you."

She lifts her hand and tenderly caresses my cheek, following the contour of my jaw and my chin, before resting it on my chest - on my heart.

"My whole life had been about this predestination," she continues. "Being a Natblida, I always felt I simply had to... exist. Exist and play my part. Be this person, this Commander, people expected me to be. I felt like I never lived for me. Until my final hour. Being with you finally made me feel alive."

Not knowing whether to cry or laugh, I lean in and press a soft kiss to her forehead.

"And so did remembering that past?" I ask, my lips grazing against her skin. "It made you feel alive?"

Lexa props up on her elbow and gazes down at me. "Yes," she simply answers. With our eyes locked she brushes a strand of hair from my forehead. "But that wasn't all. As soon as I saw you again, it just hit me. I- I just knew..."

"What?" I breathe.

"I knew that for you I'd die all over again."

Lost for words I just stare at her. Watch how her lips curve into the cutest smile, before she closes the gap between us to kiss me. I open my mouth to kiss her back, and as I do so I immediately forget everything around me. There's only one thought left breaking through my clouded mind: I'm home.

One kiss turns into another, and another, quickly changing from sweet to passionate. I can feel my heartbeat rising. Hear our breathing increase. My hands slide up, until they find the lapels of her leather jacket. I scoop it off her shoulders, eager to pull her in again. Yet right when she's about to reconnect our lips, she pulls back and looks around.

With her head less than two feet from the flimsy canvas, and the indistinct chatter of her people within hearing distance, she suddenly seems aware of where we are... and what we're doing.

She takes a deep breath and looks down on me again, a little sheepishly. A soft chuckle escapes me. It's okay. This isn't the time, or the place.

Giggling as well, Lexa rests her head on my shoulder again. I press another kiss on top of her head and pull her a little closer. For a while we just lay like this, blissful and content. But then I remember what we were actually talking about before.

"I'm really glad these recollections haven't hurt you," I break our silence, "But it also kinda proves my point. About Luna, I mean."

I can feel her smile against my skin. "Does your brain ever catch a break?" she hums.

"I'm sorry," I mumble, drawing another laugh from her.

"I'm not!" she chuckles, "You wouldn't be you without your strategic mind. Tell me, what about Luna?"

I sit up, forcing her to do the same, and look at her. "Like I said, she wasn't doing well. If it's true that you pick up right where you left off, if we bring her back to _that_ place, to _that_ moment... we might change her - the new her - forever."

Lexa raises her brow. "Change her from what though?"

"From someone who is actually happy now? I know, she seemed a bit defensive at the gate, but I reckon everyone would be in this world. And I watched her when she walked away from us, when she let her guard down. She looked comfortable. Relaxed. Like she's... like she's at home."

"And you're afraid we could ruin that?"

"Honestly? Yes," I admit.

She bites her lip, looking pensive.

"You might be right," she nods understandingly, "But you might also underestimate who she is today. Remember how I told you I am as much Alicia as I am Lexa? That really is the deal. It's fifty-fifty. Lexa isn't in control. If she were I'd be in that spaceship of yours right now, back in command."

"You're saying we should trust on... Magna, was it?"

"I'm saying we should take the risk, hoping that I'm right," she says, "If we want to live, like actually _live_ , without constantly having to look over our shoulders, we need protection. We need a wall."

"Even if we might damage her?"

She exhales, her eyes still fixed on mine. "You think it's harsh. But-"

"-that's how we survive?"

I can't suppress a small smile. I'm not the only one who hasn't changed.

"In this case, yes," she lifts her shoulder in a half shrug. "I don't plan on fighting her. I don't want any war. I want to live _with_ them, peacefully, or move on. But I think we should give this a try."

Now I'm the one nodding. I hate to admit it, but I think she's right. "But how though? She remembered neither of us, nor her own past."

"Because we're not the key here," Lexa quietly muses, almost to herself, her eyes now focused onto nothing. "I mean, in my case, yes, some things started to surface when I saw the ship. I got this déjà vu feeling, maybe because the whole spectacle was so absurd, but it wasn't enough. It wasn't until I saw _you_ that it all came back to me."

She looks up at me again. "It was like you were the last one I saw when I closed my eyes, and the first one when I opened them again."

"Well, if that's the case than I'm afraid I have bad news," I sigh.

Lexa sharply inhales, holding her breath for a second. "She got killed, didn't she? Someone did this to her, on purpose?"

I just nod.

"And her killer isn't with you?"

"Oh no, she's with us," I sigh again. "Her killer is Octavia."

... ...


	7. 07 Lexa - Alicia

**LEXA | ALICIA**

We get up as soon as the first ray of light hits the ground. We pack light, since we don't plan on staying away too long. On staying with _them_.

Her people.

 _My_ people...

I'm not ready to face them. I'm not ready to be me again. That part of me.

Clarke knows. More than that: she accepts. She's not pushing me. She's not forcing me to be that one and only person she once got to know. And I realize all too well how selfless, how exceptional that is.

It reminds me of the time we met. Two people from different worlds, with different ideas and different customs. Yet she didn't ridicule ours. She didn't question us. Well, not at first at least. She adjusted. And with that she impressed me.

Oh man, did she impress me. Not just by everything she did, but by who she was. She made me fall for her, like no one ever did before... or after.

And now, years later, she's doing it all over again.

"You're ready to go?"

A little startled, I blink. Did she catch me staring at her?

"Y- Yeah, I am. Let's do this," I nod.

We reckon it's about a six hour walk, more if we run into trouble. It would be safer if we follow yesterday's road, but also triple the distance. A day at least. For some reason it doesn't feel like an option.

So we choose the woods.

"Tell me about her," I inquire as soon as we've left the camp. "About Octavia."

Last night, after learning that it was Octavia who took Luna's life, we had to drop the subject as we were called for dinner, and although there'd been plenty of time after that, I just couldn't get myself to drag her away from the others. Seeing her chatting with June and Lucy, goofing around with Charlie, taking first watch with Strand - basically watching her slowly stepping into my world - I just had to let her be. Well, let her be and look at her, with an undeniable flutter in my heart and an indelible smile on my lips.

It must have been the first night in a long, long time that I felt slightly relaxed again. I'd almost say happy, if it wouldn't be too scary to admit such a thing.

But that was last night.

Today is about reality again. About wanting more nights like that - way more - and the need to build that. The need for an actual life. The need for safety.

Clarke looks at me. She heaves a heavy sigh. "Well, you know part of her story. How she didn't really got to live until she got to the ground. How she found her tribe there, feeling related to the Grounders instead of, well, us."

"Yet she killed one?"

"More than one," she corrects me. "But I'm not there yet."

As we keep walking she tells me all about Second Praimfaya, the threat that was bigger than all the clans together. The death wave that was going to be the end of the world. She tells me about the bunker, that wasn't big enough for everyone. And about the final conclave. One champion from each clan fighting to the death, until one would remain. First price, apart from staying alive: the bunker.

"Despite her dreadful history in space, and one of our own chancellors executing Lincoln, Octavia fought for Skaikru."

"And won?"

"And won," Clarke nods.

I narrow my eyes. "By killing them all?"

She slowly shakes her head. "By killing the last one... Luna."

"Luna?" I frown. "Why would she fight? You told me she'd lost her clan. Who would she share that bunker with?!"

"No one. She was willing to go down... and take the whole world with her," Clarke answers quietly, before shrugging her shoulders - almost apologetically. "I told you she'd gone dark."

We stay quiet for a moment. I try to picture Luna the way she turned out. The girl I grew up with. My sister... kind of. The girl who didn't want to fight.

I can't.

"After winning the conclave Octavia surprised everyone by refusing to only take Skaikru into the bunker," Clarke goes on. "With twelve clans left, she decided each clan could choose a hundred people to stay in there. To survive Praimfaya. With that, Wonkru was born."

I look up in surprise. "A coalition?"

She doesn't get the chance to react. As I keep staring at her, instead of watching the ground in front of me like I should, I trip over a root. Clarke reaches out and grabs my arm, preventing me from a mud dive. When she sees that I'm alright she lets go again and answers in a mocking tone, "I wouldn't call it that. There weren't any ambassadors there, to start with. Just one leader: Queen Octavia." Without slowing down she rests her hand on my shoulder again. "Believe me, she was nothing like you!"

I glance at her, making sure not to stumble again, and scoff. "You make it sound like I was some saint. Like I tried to unite those clans by inviting them over for tea, instead of fighting wars over it. Like I never kicked those against me off my balcony. Or-"

I fall quiet when I feel her arms around me from behind, pulling me tight into her embrace. She nudges her nose into my hair, then kisses the skin underneath. "I mostly remember how you _stopped_ doing all that. For me," she smiles, her warm breath caressing my neck.

Wide-eyed, I turn around in her arms to face her. "You're saying I went all... all... _weak_... for you?"

Trying - but failing - to keep a straight face, she raises her brows. "You didn't?" she chuckles.

"No!" I exclaim. However, my attempt to appear offended does not last long as the corner of my mouth starts to lift. "I mean, maybe I took it down a notch, you know, and maybe, just maybe, that was a little bit _because_ of you," I mumble. "You did teach me a thing or two."

Clarke leans in for a quick peck on my lips. "Thank you," she winks, "That's all I wanted to hear." She rests her forehead against mine. "And for the record, I'd never call you weak. You're the strongest warrior, the strongest woman I know. A soft side doesn't bite strength, you know. It only adds to it."

A small sigh escapes me, telling me I'm quickly losing self-control. I close the distance between us. With our lips already brushing against each other, she quietly continues, "Plus it makes you look adorably cute!"

"Ugh!" I grumble, abruptly taking a step backwards. "That's it. No more kisses for you!"

Bursting into laughter, she shakes her head. "Only making it worse, babe," she grins. "Only making it worse."

I want to keep muttering, but her laugh is too contagious. I can barely get out a _shut up_ before cracking up as well. "Alright," I giggle as soon as I can form words again, "Let's just move on!" and we both know I don't mean that just figuratively. Both still smiling we continue our way, well aware that we can't afford ourselves to linger.

"Maybe that was the thing though," Clarke muses after a few minutes, now almost sounding like she's just thinking out loud. "With Octavia, I mean. She'd lost it all, just like Luna had, except for the urge to do good. To be fair. And although that's a great intention, it's not easy. Especially when you're alone. And she was. She had no one to fight with." She takes my hand, lacing our fingers together. "No one to fight _for_."

I give her a soft squeeze. "Sounds lonely."

"Yeah, it does," she sighs, before suddenly changing her tone again. "Wouldn't call it an excuse for turning into a bloodthirsty dictator though. And that's - in the end - the question we're dealing with right now: who are we going to wake up when we get to the ship? Octavia... or Blodreina?"

With her question hanging in the air we keep walking - sometimes in silence, sometimes while sharing updates about our lives - but walking nonetheless. The sun is already high in the sky, and telling me we must be getting close, when I decide it's time for that other question.

"So, tell me..." I start, as I try to ignore the sudden nervous twitch in my stomach, "Has there ever been anyone else?"

I force myself to look at her, to smile. I need her to know that I understand, no matter what her answer is.

She mirrors my smile, yet with a hint of melancholy, then slowly nods. Just once.

"For a little while, yes," she admits. "Niylah... kom Trikru."

"Another Grounder?" A soft chuckle escapes me, releasing some tension I was holding within. "I guess you have a type."

Not able to hide her pink cheeks she joins my laughter. "Can you blame me?" she chuckles, and I can't, just like I can't deny that she never looked any cuter.

The moment quickly passes though. With her face turning all serious again, she continues, "We weren't together, or anything. I wasn't... we weren't in love." She swallows. "After I lost you, I was... broken. I could barely function. Yet I felt like the whole world was looking at me, like everyone counted on me. First there was Alie, then Praimfaya. It never stopped. Niylah was my break. My moment to breathe, to just be me. She accepted me, took care of me, kept me sane... but never asked me for anything in return."

"I'm glad she was there for you," I tell her, and I mean it.

"I care a lot about her, I really do. She got me through it. But she was a bandage, she was there to stop the bleeding."

As if on cue we both stop walking. She looks at me again, and as our eyes meet I nod understandingly.

"Your Niylah sounds like my Jake," I softly smile as my memory goes out to him.

"What happened?" she asks when I stay quiet.

For a second I just keep staring into nothing. Then I clear my throat and look her in the eye. "He died," I shrug. "They all die."

I know I sound bitter. I guess, when it comes to this, I _am_ bitter.

Clarke steps forward and takes my hands into her own. "I won't," she simply states.

I raise my eyebrows. "You still have no clue where you ended up, haven't you?"

"Oh, I do," she sets me straight. She's got a serious look on her face, yet her eyes shine brighter than ever. "I ended up exactly where I needed to be."

"With me?" I murmur, looking away as I suddenly feel a bit shyish. She gently lifts my chin and connect our eyes again.

"With you!" she nods affirmative. "Listen, it took me over a century to get here. I'm not saying I survived worse, cause I simply don't know. But I do know that I don't plan on losing it all again. On losing you again. So dying... nope... not an option!"

Shifting from one foot to the other I take in a deep breath. "You can't say that, you have no i-"

"But I do! And I can! Lexa, I can say that. Don't you see? You told me you would die for me, and even though I hope you never have to, I believe you. I believe you would. Now I'm telling you that I'll live for you. And you have to believe me that I will."

I swallow.

I want to. So badly.

"I changed my mind," I mumble, making her frown.

"About what?"

The right corner of my lip slowly curves, showing her a small grin. "About no longer kissing you."

With her eyes twinkling she takes a small step towards me. That's when I hear the sound.

The sound of a zinging, well-aimed arrow.

... ...


	8. 08 Luna - Magna

**LUNA | MAGNA**

"Got her!" Miko exclaims right next to me. "Straight in the head!"

We step out of the bushes. The two women on the other side of the small glade stare at us in shock. While Miko walks towards her target to get her arrow back, I approach them.

"You guys willingly looking for trouble, or what?"

Jaws closing and eyes narrowing, they quickly seem to find their cool again. "You've been following us?" the blonde questions me.

"You gave us no choice." Somewhat defiantly, I raise my chin. "I saw you two sneaking off this morning, straight into Whisperer's territory. If you cause any trouble here we'll be the ones to be held accountable. We'll pay the price. Believe me, it wouldn't be the first time."

The other girl takes a step forward, the one who made up this crazy, shared childhood to win us over.

"Why would we cause any trouble?"

"Well, to start with, you're not paying any attention," I scoff, as I wiggle my brows and nod in the direction of the lifeless body lying six feet away from them. "Jeez, you know how tiring it is watching you two, being all over each other? You're acting like you haven't seen each other in a lifetime!"

They share a look, right when Miko joins us. "And?" I ask her, "Walker or Whisperer?"

"Walker," she answers. "The only one it seems, though we can't be sure. There's some kind of rope around her middle that looks suspiciously clean."

I open my mouth, but don't get the chance to react. Before I fully realize what's happening the brunette dives on top of me, like a lioness, using her full weight. Taking me with her in her fall we both land on the ground.

"What the h-" I shout out, but I abruptly fall still when I catch the big, sharp knife that's stuck in the tree, right behind were I'd been standing, and two pair of wide eyes staring in fear at something behind me. I swiftly glance over my shoulder. Whisperers! Two, to be exactly.

They're no giants, but they're both holding a gun; one of them pointing it at the blonde girl, the other on mine. I guess they reckon us as the lesser threat, since we're on the ground. Turning my head to the side again I exchange a quick look with the girl right next to me. Our eyes meet, just for a nano-second, but it's enough.

With a force I didn't even know I had I manage to get back up with a backflip I can't remember ever pulling off before, launching myself in the Whisperers direction in the blink of an eye. I notice from the corner of my eye how the other girl is doing the exact same thing, which makes the whole thing even more bizarre - we must look like two synchronized ninjas! - but there's no time for questions or amazement right now.

My body seems to know what to do even before my brain does. My leg stretches. Fast. Strong. Kicking whoever is hiding behind that mask against the knee cap. He goes down, at the exact same moment as his companion, screaming in pain. They are less in sync than we are though. As the left one reaches for his leg, my opponent manages to raise his shaking hand again... and shoots.

The shot is loud and distracts me for a split second, but the bullet misses me and my body is still on auto-pilot. My foot finds his hand, my heavy boot crushing it till he lets go of the gun. My foot keeps squeezing down though, shattering the bones of his fingers.

"Magna! Magna, enough!"

She sounds miles away, but slowly her voice reaches me. "They're down. We got them. Enough!"

I look up, my eyes meeting hers again, and I realize I'm out of breath.

"We got them," she tells me again, "Let's just... avoid any trouble, like you said."

I exhale and take a step backwards. They're not worth it anyway. I turn around.

"We can use that rope. Babe, can you- Nooooo!"

Miko! She's on the ground, a grimace of pain on her face, while the girl on her side has both of her hands pressed against her upper leg. There's blood running through her fingers.

Instantly forgetting about our attackers I run to her, push the blonde aside and kneel down. As I rest one hand on her hair, the other finds the shot wound. I lightly touch it, my fingers immediately drenched in blood. "No, no, no," I keep muttering, "This isn't happening."

I don't look up until I feel a soft hand on my shoulder. It's the blonde again. "Hey, it's okay, she'll be okay. I know it looks bad, but we can fix this. Okay? It didn't hit the femoral artery."

"You're a doctor?" I breathe, staring at her with both hope and disbelief.

She shakes her head. "No, I just... I just know a thing or two. If we can stop the bleeding and get some help-"

"Help?!" Aghast, I jump to my feet. "We're in the middle of freaking nowhere! There's no one here! Except for-"

Turning around again I look at the two Whisperers on the ground, now held at gunpoint by my, well, fellow ninja warrior, I guess. In a few big steps I make my way back to them, feeling the rage boiling up inside me again - faster than I can ever remember.

"You! You did this!" I draw my knife and lift my arm above my head, ready to strike. Yet again it's the brunette who jumps in between - literally, as she promptly blocks me with her body. She's surprisingly strong.

"Magna, don't do this," she pleads, though I can barely hear her. For the second time today I feel like something awakens inside me. Something dark. Something stronger than me.

"Blood must have blood," I hiss between my teeth, my eyes on the target, shooting fire.

"I know," she quietly tells me, "I _know_."

For some reason I believe her. There's something in her voice that tells me that she does, that she gets where this is coming from, even if I myself don't. It calms me, at least enough to listen. She keeps talking, her voice low and understandingly.

"I know that's how you feel. I used to, too. But it's not going to help us. And it won't make you feel any better."

Taking a deep breath, I try to contain myself. I'm not so sure if I agree. "They don't deserve any compassion," I snarl, "They're monsters."

Keeping her eyes on me, she takes a step backwards, towards the two on the ground. "Are they though?" she wonders out loud. Not giving me a chance to fight her on this she reaches her arm and pulls their masks off. There's a girl on the left, barely fifteen, and a boy on the right - maybe even younger. They look scared.

"See, they're kids. Stupid kids who made stupid choices," she goes on. "Or maybe they didn't even got to make a choice, maybe their parents did. Or they were forced. They wouldn't be the first to believe surviving comes with joining the bad guys."

I roll my eyes. "You don't seriously consider letting them go, are you? They'll stick a knife in your back as soon as you turn around!"

"Maybe," she nods, before moving her eyes towards the two teenagers on the ground. "But maybe they are less stupid than we think."

Dropping my shoulders in some kind of defeat I sigh and walk to the Walker on the ground to get the rope. As I hand it to her I mumble, "You saved us, so it's your call. Let's hope you won't regret it."

She nods again, takes the rope and starts to tie them up, telling them it won't take them too long to free themselves, but it will give them some time to consider their options, and to use it wisely.

I hardly listen to it.

As I turn towards Miko again I notice the non-doctor taking off her henley and tying it around Miko's wound. My girl looks tired, and in pain, but also aware - thank god.

"There's no exit wound. We need to get the bullet out," the blonde speaks up. I look at her.

"What's your name?" I ask.

She slowly exhales, a small smile appearing on her lips. "Clarke," she answers, "And that's L- that's Alicia."

"Okay Clarke, let's get our tweezers out. Oh wait, we didn't bring any," I snark, unable to act friendly, even do I start to believe she might deserve it.

"We are actually pretty close by my uhm.. my camp by now," Clarke goes on, ignoring my temper. "We've got medical equipment, and there's even a doctor. A real one."

I raise my eyebrows, as this sounds a bit too good to be true, then look at my girlfriend again. She can read the question in my eyes and nods. What choice do we have?

"All right," I sigh, looking at the two newbies again, "But no more of that funny stuff, claiming that you know me and all! That's just... too fucking weird."

"Yeah," Clarke mumbles, her eyes on the Walker near her feet, " _that's_ the weird part..."

Alicia bumps her shoulder. "Come on, let's get her up!"

Miko clearly can't stand on her wounded leg, but with me on one side and Clarke on the other she manages to limp. "It's not far. Two or three miles maybe," Alicia reassures us.

She might be right, but it's the longest two or three miles I ever crossed.

When we reach the edge of the forest Clarke suddenly stops, making us almost trip.

"They're gone!" she cries out. "They- They left!" She sounds shocked, but that's not all. There's something else in her voice. Disappointment maybe?

For a moment they both look desperate and lost, and it's hard not to feel the same, as I'm still supporting my heavily injured girlfriend - very aware that she's quickly losing her strength by now.

"Now wh-" I break their silence, but Alicia beats me to it as she points her finger.

"Look, they're still here. They built a camp!"

I shut my mouth again and shake my head. First we go to a camp, then there is no camp, then they built a camp. I just can't with these two. There's no time for confusion though.

Alicia faces me. "I'm staying here. You might wanna do the same."

"What?" I exclaim, "No! I'm not leaving her!"

They briefly share another look. "It's just that... there are more people over there that might... confuse you with someone else," Clarke tries to clarify their absurd suggestion.

"Then I trust you to tell them wrong," I grumble, taking a step forward, dragging both Miko and Clarke along. "Come on, we don't have time for this bullshit."

The three of us cross the field and reach the camp, which seems poorly guarded. That is till a young girl shows up out of nowhere, carrying a heavy - wait, is that a _sword_? Who the hell are these people?!

The girl might be young, but just one look at her tells me you don't wanna mess with her. The look on her face changes as soon as she recognizes Clarke though. Guess there's a puppy in there after all.

"Clarke! You came back!" she cheers, before a look of horror dawns her face. "Oh my god, you're bleeding!"

Clarke lays her free hand on the girl's shoulder. "I'm not, I'm okay. It's not my blood, it's..." She suddenly falls quiet.

"Yumiko's," I finish her sentence.

"Right," Clarke nods, showing me a small smile again. "It's Yumiko's. She got shot. Please tell me they left the medical equipment here before they went back up."

"Up?!" I blurt out before the girl can answer. "You're saying you guys have a chopper?!"

Maybe we should befriend them anyway?

Seemingly caught off guard Clarke blinks a few times. "Yeah, no, it's... it's a little bigger. Just... forget about it. Let's get Yumiko on a stretcher." She turns towards the girl again. "Who else is here?"

"Right now it's just Gaia, Miller and me. Raven, Emori and Abby went back to the Eligius to get more people. They should be back soon. I sent Bellamy, Echo and Murphy exploring, together with-"

Wait, _she_ sent them? This... this _kid_?! Nope, nope... no chopper is worth this madhouse!

As their name dropping conversation goes on I turn to Miko and rest my hand on her cheek. Her eyes find mine and despite the fact that they look weak I spot a little twinkle in there.

"Is this for real?" I whisper.

She chuckles, which makes her groan and tighten her grip on our shoulders again, telling us we shouldn't linger.

"Take that tent," the girl says, pointing to the nearest and biggest one. We enter and find a rather large table right in the middle. I help Miko lay down on it and make sure to keep my eyes on her, as I'm more worried than I'd like to admit. A bullet is a bullet, after all.

"The Gagarin is in sight. They'll be here in a few minutes," a woman entering the tent tells the girl, before suddenly falling quiet. "Wait, is that...?"

Before she can finish whatever she's about to ask, Clarke takes a big step forward. "This is Magna," she quickly says, "She's from here, as is Yumiko. They need our help. Can you help, Gaia?"

"Y- Yeah, of course," the woman nods, though she doesn't move, but keeps staring at me instead. She looks bewildered.

"Gaia!"

Clarke snaps her fingers, and it suddenly hits me how much more in charge she seems today then she did yesterday, with those other folks. Gaia blinks and forces herself to focus on Clarke again.

"Go to the dropship and see if my mom's on there. Or Jackson. Both if possible!"

Gaia nods again and leaves the tent. That's the moment I realize the roaring sound I've been hearing in the far back is getting louder. Something is out there, getting closer. Something big.

"M- Magn-"

Miko's soft voice draws my attention back to her. Whatever is out there will have to wait. I take her hand in mine and softly squeezes it. "I'm here, babe. I'm not going anywhere."

With my eyes stuck on the only woman, the only human being, that really matters to me I listen to the sounds outside. First there's more noise, then there's a short silence, followed by some kind of... hissing sigh? Then there's silence again.

Clarke, not seemingly impressed by all of this, doesn't wait for what's coming. She gets a knife, cuts Miko's pants open and inspects the wound. She looks up again when we hear the sound of footsteps draw near. I follow her gaze to the tent's entrance. Two people walk in. However, I don't think there's a Jackson among them.

"Mom!" Clarke cries out, before turning her eyes to the other woman. There's a a flash of surprise on her face. "Octavia? You're awake!"

The two women don't even seem to notice her though. As soon as they see me they freeze, showing me that same bewildered look as that Gaia girl did.

"This can't be..." the older of the two murmurs underneath her breath. The other one squints her eyes.

"Luna?"

Whoever this doppelgänger of me is must have made a great impression on this people!

"Is it really...?" As her voice drifts off the younger woman takes a step closer, examining me like she's watching a ghost.

"Clarke!" I hiss, but instead of telling them wrong she just peers at me, with some strange expectation in her eyes.

"What?" I snap.

She briefly averts her eyes to look at the others, then returns her gaze to me again. "Just..." Deeply exhaling she shakes her head. "Nothing."

"We had a deal," I remind her, shoving her slightly towards them with a push of my shoulder. She coughs, straightens her back and takes another step forward without my help.

"This isn't Luna," she finally tells them, "You _know_ this can't be Luna. I know they look shockingly the same, but you guys need to pull it together. Cause we need your help, right now." She takes the older woman by the arm and pulls her towards us. "Mom, this is Yumiko. She got shot, close to the artery. The bullet is still in."

Glad to see that this woman's attention does go to Miko without hesitation I ignore the other one's stare and focus on the bloody situation on the table again. Miko's starting to drift off, which can't be a good thing, but this woman - who I assume is the doctor - seems to know what she's doing. Nevertheless I keep a close eye on her.

Which is why I don't pay any attention to the movement at the entrance of the tent.

"What's going on here?"

The new voice fills the stuffy air around us... and slaps me in the face at the same time.

 _"It's not your blood that defines you. It's your heart."_

I'm on a shore. Staring in the eyes of the only person who seems to care about me. But that person isn't Miko.

And I'm not me.

Suddenly afraid that my legs give way beneath me, I hold on to the table, my knuckles turning white from squeezing. I gasp for breath, but it doesn't stop my head from spinning.

I'm not me.

I'm not me.

I'm not...

I need to know for sure. I need to see those eyes, need them to tell me the truth. The only truth. I deeply inhale, close my eyes, then slowly open them again... and look up.

It's Raven.

... ...


	9. 09 Clarke

**CLARKE**

"What's going on here?"

The new voice makes me briefly glance up. It's Raven, entering the tent with a puzzled look on her face. There's no room for any explanation though, as Mom keeps giving directions on how to assist her. She hands me an IV bag. Yet before I can raise my arm to keep it up high, I get distracted again.

This time it's Luna, who unexpectedly lets go of Yumiko's hand and leaves the tent without a word, but with a rather disturbing expression and a firm tread, almost walking over Raven in her way out.

"Hey, watch it!" she shouts, while she's trying to keep her balance. "Jesus, whoever that was, I suggest we put her back to cryo-sleep asap!"

She must have missed the resemblance in the promptness of it all. Since I remember them being pretty close back then, I can't think of any other reason why Raven wouldn't recognize her.

And then it hits me.

They were close. They had this understanding, this deep connection between the two of them. Could it be...?

"Raven, come over here!" I call without further thinking. I shove the bag of fluids in her hands as soon as she's close enough. "Hold this up high!"

She does as I tell her, though she wouldn't be Raven for not asking questions. I get it, I would too, but again: there's no time for answers.

"Later!" I vaguely promise her in the midst of walking away. Once outside it doesn't take too long to find Luna. She's standing on the far edge of the campsite, leaning against a tree with one hand, the other one pressed against her chest. When I get closer I notice that she's panting.

I walk over to her, until I am about five feet behind her.

"You okay?" I quietly ask.

She doesn't turn around. Doesn't respond either.

I take another step forward, cautious, though unsure why.

"What happened in there?" I try again.

By the raising of her shoulders I can tell she's drawing a long breath - desperately trying to pull herself together. With her hand still against the timber she hangs her head.

"How?" she speaks up, though barely audible. "How do I have memories that aren't mine?"

"I- I don't know," I honestly admit. "Madi thinks it must have been the City of Lights. Alicia s-"

"Lexa," she interrupts me, her voice now loud and clear. Slowly, she finally turns around, her eyes boring into mine. "Her name is Lexa."

I nod.

We both stay silent. Her face is set in despair, and it breaks my heart to see her this confused. This lost.

"I don't really know how any of this is possible," I tell her again, "But those memories, they _are_ yours. You're not just Magna, you are-"

"No," she cuts me off again, shaking her head fiercely. "No!"

With two more steps I close the distance between us and rest my hand on her shoulder. To my relief she doesn't push me away.

"You are Luna... Luna kom Floukru. And you know it."

Deeply exhaling, she shakes her head again, then abruptly drops herself to sit on the ground. I squat down in front of her.

"I know remembering all this brings you back to a place, a darkness you don't want to relive. But you don't have to. You're not really there anymore. You're here now. You got another chance."

"Which I don't deserve!" She looks up at me. Her eyes are darkened, filled with pain. This time I'm the one to shake my head.

"You are one of the most heartfelt, diligent, compassionate persons I've ever met. You stood for your beliefs, and built this peaceful, selfless world. Taking care of those in need. How could that not deserve a second chance?"

She scoffs. "You forget about the part where I was about to destroy that world."

"After we destroyed you! Luna, if there's any blame, it's ours."

She stays quiet again.

"I know you've got a lot to process. A lot of feelings to deal with. Including those feelings of your final moments." Suddenly uncomfortable, I swallow. "Please don't feel like you have nothing to live for. Cause you do." I point to the biggest tent, about eighty yards away from us. "She's right there."

Luna lets out a harsh breath and rises to her feet. "You're right," she says, looking down on me, "You are to blame."

Alarmed by the sudden calm in her voice I quickly stand up as well. "Wait! I- I can't let you go back like this. I need to ask you for your weapons."

She narrows her eyes. "You think I'm going to fight the people who are saving my girlfriend's life? If I'd wanted you guys dead, I'd killed you all a long time ago."

She walks past me without waiting for my response. I hastily turn around.

"What about Octavia?"

Holding her pace she looks over her shoulder, shrugging lightly. "She did what she had to do."

The look on my face must tell her that her indifference doesn't reassure me just yet. Heaving another sigh, she turns and walks back to me.

"Listen, I just need some time, okay? To process, like you said, and to be with Miko. I don't want to harm anyone, and I don't think you want to either." Before I can answer she gestures to the sky. The sun is about to set. "I don't reckon we're going anywhere tonight. You think we can trust each other?"

I press my lips together and peer into her eyes, trying to read her. I can't. I have to trust my instinct.

"Yes," I slowly nod. "Tell me what you need."

I might be wrong, but I think I catch the tiniest lip quiver. A hint of a smile? One of relief, maybe?

"I need to be me. Magna, I mean. To the people I've just met. And not to meet anyone else."

"I might need to talk to Madi then. Don't worry, we can trust her," I rush to add. "She knows about Lexa, too. And she can make sure you guys will be left alone."

"Why on earth are people listening to that kid?" Luna frowns, right before I see the dawning realization in her eyes. "Wait... she's the Commander!?"

I lift my shoulder in some half shrug and pull a face. I know how she feels about the subject.

"Come on," I tell her instead without going into the matter.

Together we walk back into the camp. There's a lot of people around now, there must have been at least forty on the last ride down here. Everyone is busy setting up tents and preparing for the night to come, but I'm still aware that we're easy to spot - and recognize - which is why I quickly dive back into the tent that's now serving as an OR.

By the looks of it Mom has just finished. She's covering Yumiko's lower body with a thin sheet. Madi is still there. Everyone else is gone.

"Is she okay?" Luna asks from behind me.

Mom looks up at her. "She is," she softly smiles, "You can come closer. Take my place." She steps aside and focuses on me. "We got the bullet out. She'll be fine."

"Great," I mirror her smile, "Thank you."

She opens her mouth, probably about to shoot the first of the many questions she must have, but my eyes already meet Madi's.

"We need to talk," I simply tell her.

Madi follows me outside without question. Once out of hearing distance from everyone else we sit down on a fallen trunk. I lean towards her.

"Remember what I told you about Lexa?"

"How could I forget?" she snorts. Then, more eagerly, "What about her? Is she here?"

I smile, understanding her avidity. "Kind of. She's in the woods. This isn't about her though. We uh, we found out there are more like her. One, at least."

Madi stares at me, expectantly, clearly wondering where this is going.

"Octavia and my mom, they weren't wrong. Magna isn't just Magna. She's also Luna."

"Luna?! The Natblida that ran?"

"...and eventually got killed by Octavia during the final conclave," I nod.

A flash of terror crosses her face. "Is that why she's here? For revenge?"

I quickly move my hands to her knees, preventing her from jumping up and storming back to that tent, and shake my head. "No, she's not. She's not here to fight us. Any of us. She didn't even remember us, or herself for that matter, until she got here. And now that she does, Octavia seems to be the least of her issues."

"So why did you bring her here?"

"Because we need her. Lexa and I. We need her."

Madi sits up. "And so you need us, too. How exactly?"

I brush my palms together, then bob my head towards the camp. "They both need to stay here for the night, in that tent, without anyone knowing. Or bothering them."

"What about you?" she asks.

"I'll go and find Lexa. Stay with her in the woods. I'll come back tomorrow to get them and bring them back home... somehow."

"You can't stay in the woods. It's not safe!"

"We'll be fine," I wave away her concerns, "You know she doesn't want to be seen. And I'm not leaving her there alone."

"Then we'll sneak her in," Madi determines. "You find her, then come back after dark. You can stay in the loading space, the one you can acces from the back. I'll make sure the door is open."

I hesitate. "I don't know, there might be people wandering around."

"I make sure they're at the camp. I call for a briefing, let's say in half an hour?" Leaning in to look into my eyes, she takes my hands. "Clarke, please don't stay out there!"

Giving in once again, I sigh. "I'll try."

With that promise I get up and make my way to the deeper part of the woods. As I'm trying to find the correct spot I suddenly realize it was only yesterday I was running here as well, about to find Lexa... who wasn't there. What if today is the same?

Somewhat to my relief it turns out there's no need to worry. She's there. Waiting for me, and finding her place in my arms as soon as she gets the chance.

"What happened? Is she okay?" Her warm breath hits my neck.

"Yeah, she is," I tell her, holding her close for just a little longer. "My mom was able to help her. But that's not everything. Luna, she... she remembered!"

Lexa frees herself from my embrace, her eyes wide open. "She did? How? Did she meet Octavia?"

"Shortly, yes. But nothing happened there. Not even a hint of recognition. Turned out it wasn't Octavia we needed. It was Raven."

"Raven?!"

"Which makes sense, actually," I continue, as a grin sneaks up on my face. "See, we were thinking about the last person, but I'm starting to think it's not about that. I think it's about the person who _means_ something. Who's important to you."

Lexa's lips turn into a smirk, telling me she must be thinking the same thing I am. "Like you are to me," she grins.

I take her hand. "Could that be it?"

"That must be it," she nods, "Cause you mean the world to me!"

She pulls me in for another hug before I can say anything, and for a little while we just stand there, in silence and rapture.

"Come on," I say when I finally break our embrace, "I got us a place to sleep, in the back of the ship. It will be safe."

Going in a wide circle around the glade, and hidden by the shadows of the trees, we sneak to the dropship where we hide in the bushes until it's completely dark. That's when we look around for a final check and quickly cross the open space between us and our shelter.

The heavy door opens with a pull of the lever and closes behind us with a firm push. There's a lock switch on the inside. There's also light, running on the generator, but I know it's connected to a small warning light on the control panel which might draw someone's attention. Madi must have realized that as well, cause she left three oil lamps, together with some blankets, food, and a basin with soap water.

Before I know it a heartily laugh escapes me.

"What?" Lexa asks, a curious frown furrowing her brow.

I tilt my chin towards the basin. "Madi," I grin, "When she was just with me, she loved running around bare feet. So we had this rule: 'You can get as dirty as you want by day, but your bed stays clean. We might be the last two people on earth, but we're still not animals.'"

She smiles at me, in that controlled but oh so genuine way, with only one corner of her mouth slightly moving, yet with her eyes lighting the room. "You raised her well."

"I tried," I shrug, and then we both laugh.

I pick up the lamps and light them one by one. As soon as they spread their typical, warm glow through the room, I turn around and switch off the light. There. We're out of sight.

Spreading the blankets on the floor, I create us an improvised bed. When I look up again I see Lexa standing by the basin, her back turned to me. She has taken off her shirt and washes herself with the sponge. I go stand behind her and let my finger glide over her spine.

"Your tattoo... it's gone."

"Born with a clean slate," she mumbles, almost to herself.

I reach forward and take the sponge from her. Without a word I unhook her bra, exposing the skin underneath, and start to rub her back - slowly, like we've got all the time in the world. Which for once, we do.

When I'm sure I got every inch of her back I move the sponge to her shoulder, then leisurely stroke it down all the way to her fingertips. She lifts her hand, stretches her fingers, welcomes and accepts me. Our hands for a moment lost in a silent dance.

As I finally switch to the other arm, I wipe her hair to the side with my free hand and brush my lips against the hollow of her neck. There's no scar. No sign of her ever carrying the Flame.

It doesn't make her any less her.

I taste her skin - her typical sweet and salty skin. Inhale her scent that's still so distinctively her, despite the heavy smell of soap that's now surrounding her. And, as she slowly turns around, drown in the green of her eyes like I've done so many times before.

"You're still you," I whisper.

Without taking my eyes off of hers I lay my hands on her shoulders and let her bra slide down her arms. In the same pace as before I gently wash her chest, her breasts, her rib cage, before lowering myself to graze my lips over the smooth, unharmed skin of her belly. There's no blood this time. Just goosebumps.

"I'm glad you got to leave the bad behind."

She doesn't answer. Instead she makes me stand up and slips her fingers underneath the hem of my tank top. I raise my arms above my head. The top finds its way next to her bra within seconds.

Lexa takes the sponge from me, rinses it and starts washing Yumiko's dried blood from my hands and arms. She takes her time, like I just did, and I let her. Why wouldn't I? When she moves her wet hand to the sensitive skin around my belly button I shiver.

She looks up through her lashes. "Cold?"

I shake my head.

It doesn't take long before my bra hits the ground and her fingers find the button of my pants. As her eyes cross mine again I can tell she hesitates. I show her a small, reassuring smile, then pull her in for a kiss. With our lips connected she continues to undo my pants, before slowly sliding it down.

To step out of it I try to kick off my shoes without breaking our connection. It's a hopeless attempt. Besides, Lexa already kneels down to help me out and, as it turns out, to wash my feet, my calves, my thighs, in the same way she did before - exploring every part of me and slowly making her way back up again.

I try to stay patient, but my hand, that's now lightly resting on the top of her head, gives me away. I start to fidget, and when it takes too long, even pull. When she rises to her feet there's a smile lingering on her lips that tells me I don't have to worry. She has only just begun.

She reaches behind her and grabs the towel that's next to the basin. She dries me off, gradually once again, then hands it to me to return the favor.

The next step is not hard to guess. As the towel finds its way to the growing pile on the floor our mouths find each other again. It's just a few steps to the spread out blankets, but we manage to lose more clothes along the way. All our clothes, to be exact.

As soon as we lie down, we find ourselves in an embrace. In an exploration of hands and lips. In a renewed discovery of each other's body, while our breathing is quickly losing control.

I want this to last for ever, but despite my clouded brain I can tell it won't. After all this time, all this build up, we're just too impatient. Too eager. When Lexa's fingers find their way to my throbbing core I know I'm down for the count.

She touches me, strokes me, electrifies me in a way no one else ever has, and no one else ever can.

A deep moan escapes me. Throwing my head back I stretch and arch my back. She doesn't allow the distance between us though. Without pulling her hand back, she moves up, maneuvering her free arm underneath my head and tilting it towards her.

"Stay with me," she breathes, our mouths now only an inch away from each other.

Unable to control it, my body keeps writhing underneath her touch, but she manages to keep me close. To keep our eyes connected in those short moments between my heavy panting. God, I love how strong she is.

Gasping for the little air between us I raise my hips to meet her hand, to claim more pressure. She gives me what I want, and more; she also increases the speed of her fingers. That's when I fall, over the edge, into a deep, mind-blowing bliss that keeps the world from turning.

Hardly able to breathe I slowly open my eyes to gaze into hers, as she's hovering above me. Her eyes blazed with love and passion. Her lips forming the most beautiful smile.

"You okay?"

I just nod. I'm more than okay.

For the first time since I lost her I feel like I'm alive again.

... ...


	10. 10 Lexa - Alicia

**LEXA | ALICIA**

We wake up in each other's arms. Just like we did the other four times we woke up this night. But unlike all previous moments we don't lose ourselves in passionate kisses and endless lovemaking this time.

Morning has come.

I blink against the bright light that enters through the small skylight. With my cheek still resting on her chest, the steady beat of her heart underneath my ear more comforting than anything else, I can feel how she softly presses her lips on top of my head.

A smile creeps on my face, the subtle graze of my lips against her bare skin giving me away, and making her chuckle.

"What?"

"Nothing," I mumble.

She gently lifts my chin with her forefinger, making me look at her. Her brows draw together as she narrows her eyes.

"Nothing?" she echoes. "With you it's never nothing."

I mirror her grin, then lower my head again, as I already miss her warmth.

"Some things are better left unsaid," I hum. "So the universe can't screw it up. You know, start throwing curve balls."

Clarke starts raking her fingers through my hair. "You really believe the universe has ears?"

"I wouldn't be surprised," I shrug.

With her hand still gently stroking me, she seems to give it some thought, before resolutely breaking our silence.

"Well, I don't!" she states, making me look up at her again. "I'm just gonna say it: I'm happy. Right now, I'm happy. You make me happy," she goes on. "And I know there's a whole lot of scary shit around the corner. I know a future can be over before it begins. Boy, do I know! But if it taught me one thing, it's to really live in those moments that matter. To really feel them, and acknowledge them. Savor and cherish them. Cause in a world like this, moments count."

Lost for words, I blankly stare at her. I know she's right. I'm just... not there yet.

And she knows. As she suddenly rolls us both over so I'm on my back, with her hovering over me, she brushes a lock of hair off my forehead and stares deeply into my eyes. "You feel it, don't you? Here?" Her hand moves to my heart, then to my belly. "And here?"

I just nod.

Her smile returns. "Good. Then, with your permission, I'll say it for you."

I nod again.

"You are happy, too. You are. And you're allowed to be. You deserve to be. Whatever happened. And whatever will happen next." She leans in to kiss me, tenderly, before continuing with her lips still close to mine, "This night was ours - ours alone. So is this moment. No bullet, no sword, no death can take that away from us."

She kisses me again and this time I don't give her the chance to pull back. Pulling her closer I deepen our kiss, savoring the moment like she told me to. When we break apart after all, our eyes lock again. That's when I finally find my voice back. Kind of, at least.

"I love you, Clarke Griffin," I whisper breathlessly.

Her beaming smile makes me gasp for air.

She slowly brings her hand to my face and strokes my cheekbone with the tip of her finger. "I love you, Lexa kom Trikru," she softly breathes, while she reaches my jawline and starts following its contours, her thumb now grazing over my lips ever so lightly. " _And_ I love you, Alicia-"

She abruptly falls quiet.

"Clark," I help her out, with little success as I make her look even more confused instead.

"Yes?"

"No, not you. Me!" I giggle - highly aware that I'm ruining the moment right now. "Alicia Clark, that's my name."

For a few seconds she just stares at me. Then she cracks up laughing. "Are you kidding me?"

"I wish I was," I snort as well, and with that we're ready to leave the sentiment behind us for now and start this brand new day. Still shaking her head in amazement Clarke sits up.

"Let's find Luna. See how she's doing, and make a plan for today."

I follow her example and look around, absorbing the mess we made last night.

"How did she take it?" I ask.

"Not well," she sighs as she leaves the blankets that make our bed - or what's left of it - and starts dressing herself. I know I should do the same, but right now I'd rather watch her. "She wasn't too happy remembering herself. Even less remembering us."

"She's angry?"

Clarke doesn't get the chance to answer. A sudden, rhythmic knocking makes us both look at the door, though she noticeably less startled than me.

"Madi," she deduces, "I taught her how to tell me her name in morse code."

She stoops, picks up my clothes from the floor and tosses them at me. Without leaving my spot I quickly put on my panties and shirt, then pull the sheet over my bare legs since Clarke is already opening the door. It's not Madi though.

Luna steps in, raising her hands in some reassuring white flag kind of gesture, or just an apologie maybe, since the entire scene doesn't leave much to the imagination. She quickly closes the door behind her.

"Madi told me where to find you, and how to get in," she explains. "Some kid you got there!"

Clarke flashes a grin. "She sure is something. How's Yumiko?"

Luna shows her a weak smile - the first one I'm witnessing, I realize, at least in this lifetime. "She's alright. She can't really walk yet, but it looks like she'll be fine."

Clearly relieved, Clarke exhales and relaxes her shoulders. "Great. Now let's make a plan-"

"We already have a plan," Luna interrupts her, "We're going home. Today!"

"You just said she can't walk yet," I frown.

"That's right. That's why you and I are going to find us a car." She turns to Clarke without waiting for my response. "I want you to stay with Miko, prepare her for the trip."

I jump up, drawing her attention again. "Why should we look for a car? There's not a drop of gasoline left on this entire planet!"

"Well, luckily for us, our new friends brought a whole new stock from outer space. Madi gave us two cans - two gallons of liquid gold to bring us home," she refutes my point as she looks at me again, her eyes now on my legs. "So chop-chop, lover girl, put on your pants. We've got an appointment at the dealership!"

Unable to keep from laughing I shake my head. "You haven't changed a bit, have you?"

She glances at Clarke, then back at me. She doesn't join my laughter. "I have, actually, and you should be glad about that," she grumbles. "Now, come on, we don't have all day."

I swiftly put on the rest of my clothes, kiss Clarke goodbye and follow Luna outside. There are two cans of gasoline at the door. She picks them up, shoves one in my hands and disappears between the trees without waiting for me. I quickly run after her.

"Luna, wait!"

"Magna," she replies without slowing down. When I'm almost caught up with her, she looks at me over her shoulder. "Luna is dead. Let's leave her there."

A sorrowful sigh escapes me. "I get it. Clarke told me what happened. But..." I lay my hand on her shoulder, yet she shakes it off like it's burning her.

"But nothing! You wanna cling on to the past? Fine, your choice. But I won't." Without blinking she draws her knife and stabs a legless Walker that's blocking our way. As soon as she pierces his skull, silence returns - with the exception of the soft rustle of the wind in the trees. "Bringing the dead back to life has done no one any good. I'm not gonna add one to it."

I look at the gross puddle of human brains at my feet. The days that this made me hurl are far behind me. Still, it's not a pretty sight.

"Please, don't compare yourself with... them," I sigh.

Luna - or Magna, I correct myself - steps over the mutilated half-body on the ground and continues her way. I rush to keep up with her.

"Listen, I know things are different for you. That you've got people from back then to hang on to," she says as soon as I'm next to her again, her voice a little milder now. "I don't blame you for that. Just don't ask me to do the same."

We reach the main road and keep following it for a few minutes in silence, before I turn my head to look at her again. "You're not going to help us, are you?"

"What makes you think that?"

"Because you're mad," I raise my shoulders in some half-shrug. "I don't know exactly what happened between you and them, but you seem to have quite some reasons to hate their guts."

Magna moves the heavy can from one hand to the other and wipes her hair from her face. "You're right. They hardly deserve my help. Let alone my forgiveness."

"And with Clarke being one of them...?" Afraid of the answer, I don't finish my question.

She stops walking in the middle of the road, taking me by surprise by the abruptness. "Clarke is with you," she states the obvious. "And you- well, you are you. You and I grew up together. We were both doomed by our blood. Killing my brother was the worst thing I ever had to do, but I knew that killing my sister would top that."

I stay quiet, let her talk.

"We never saw each other again after I fled. But I had my spies in Polis. I heard what I needed to hear. You were the one who refused to track me down. You let me live. Don't think I ever forgot about that!"

"Well, except for the last hundred and thirty years," I blurt out chuckling. Regretting it straight away I'm about to bite my tongue, but then I see that I don't have to: I actually made her laugh!

"Well, yeah, except for that," she smirks.

I raise my brows. "So, you're saying what? That I'm important to you?"

"Believe me or not, but yeah," she shrugs. "You are."

"Not as important as Raven, though?" I wink.

The palm of her hand hits my shoulder before I can dive to avoid it, making me stumble backwards. "Shut up," she grumbles, "How was I supposed to recognize you? You aren't exactly twelve anymore!"

"Yeah, let's leave it at that," I laugh as I start walking again, having her following me for a change, albeit just for a second. "And hey, there must have been _some_ recognition, right? During that fight yesterday?"

"That was some long-lost routine, indeed!" she smiles at the recollection.

I open my mouth, about to point out that our past really wasn't _all_ that bad, but I change my mind as I don't want to push it. Besides, we need to get back to business as we just happen to find a car on the roadside, its key still in the ignition. Of course it doesn't work.

We use about half of a can to see if it solves the problem, which it does, before filling it up with the rest of the gas. With Magna behind the wheel and me in the passenger seat we make our way back to Madi's camp.

"You haven't answered my question yet," I remind her when we're almost there.

She turns her head. "You want to know if I'm going to help you?"

"Yes. Me _and_ Clarke?"

"I am," she nods, "You _and_ Clarke. And the kid, if she wants any help. I mean, she was just out of diapers when this whole thing was happening. Can't really blame her for anything."

"How about Raven?" I can't help but tease, drawing a deep sigh from her.

"You really can't stop, can you?" she murmurs, before briefly looking at me once more. She takes in a long breath. "Okay, fine, whatever. If she'd ever be in need, yes, I'll help her, too. Of course I would... But the rest of them can rot in hell!"

I answer her grumpy face with a playful grin. "Fair enough," I nod. "Now, let's return to the present. There are some people waiting for us!"

Magna stops the car. From here it should be less than a mile, which we'll have to walk.

We do so without facing any problems and before we know it we're back at the glade. When Magna crosses it to get the others, my mind wanders off to the day of our conclave. The day she ran away. What if she hadn't? Would I have fought her? Killed her when I got the chance? I probably would. Even though she was my friend - my family. I would have done it, cause nothing was more frightening than not doing it.

They called her a coward, but the truth is I wasn't half as brave as she was.

And now she's about to save me again.

Sooner than I'd expected the three of them show up, with Yumiko leaning on Clarke and Magna for support.

"No Madi?" I carefully ask.

Clarke shakes her head with sorrow in her eyes. I don't ask any further.

The car is waiting where we left it. This time Magna climbs in the back, together with Yumiko, who rests her head on Magna's lap. I dangle the keys in the air.

"You got your license?"

Clarke forces a smile. "Just years of experience in a 4x4. It's okay, you drive."

The drive back to Hilltop, as we learn the settlement is called, takes about an hour. We don't talk much. Clarke keeps staring out of the window, her face clouded with sadness. I rest my hand on her knee and she covers it with hers, telling me without any words that it isn't me. I wish it was though. Then at least I could do something to make her feel better...

"You two wait here," Magna speaks up when I stop the car in front of the gate. "I'll try to find our leaders, ask them to come and talk to you. Come on, babe."

She helps Yumiko out of the car and through the gate, while Clarke and I get out as well and take a seat on the hood. I look to my side.

"You're okay?"

"Not really," Clarke sighs, before looking back at me. She bites her lip and I can tell she's trying to smile again. "But I will be."

I caress her back. "We're not giving up. You hear me? Her home is with you."

"With us," she corrects me.

Smiling for the two of us, I nod. "With us. And it's going to be right there."

She follows my gaze to the closed gate. The gate that's between us and our future.

"You think it's gonna work? She's gonna help us?"

I cock my head. "I think she's gonna try. Let's hope that will be enough."

Right then the gate opens again. Magna walks towards us, together with the woman we met two days ago. Tara, if I remember correctly. When they're getting closer they slow down, both looking over their shoulder to the man who apparently came along with them, but now lingers at the gate. He doesn't move. Instead, he just stares at us.

"Jesus, come on, let's just hear them out," Tara tells him.

It gets him in motion, but not for long. After only five steps, he stops again.

"I'm not talking to her," he states, his voice cold and determined.

His eyes are on me. There's no doubt about that. But why? Have we met before?

I don't recognize him, even though he has quite a striking appearance. He has a full beard, and long, light-brown hair, tied in a knot. He looks strong. Not so much muscular, but athletic. I reckon he's around thirty, thirty-five maybe. I can't imagine we shared the playground together.

He takes another step forward. "She doesn't get anything from me," he tells Tara, before looking straight at me again. "You took enough already!"

My mind keeps racing. He doesn't seem like someone I'd easily forget. Then again, I met so many people these past few years, it would be a miracle if I'd remembered them all. Maybe it was in Mexico, at the hotel. Or in Texas, at the stadium? Or at the dam perhaps?

Catching us all off guard he suddenly closes the distance between us, until he's only two feet away from me. Without blinking, his eyes are peering into mine.

"You have know idea, do you?"

"I- I don't," I stammer, "You're sure we know each other?"

"Oh, I'm sure," he slowly bobs his head. "Maybe you should dig a little deeper... _Heda!?_ "

... ...


	11. 11 Jesus - ?

**JESUS | ?**

"Alright, keep practicing," I tell Gage as I wave at Magna to tell her I'll be right there. I pick up my coat, put it back on and leisurely walk toward her. The moment I get to her, Tara shows up from the other side.

"What's up?" we ask simultaneously.

"I was wrong," Magna jumps straight to it, her eyes flicking between the two of us. "About our campers out there. I didn't remember right away, but I do now. I _do_ know a bunch of them. And I think we should give them a chance."

Tara frowns. "You know how strange that sounds, right?" she asks, her voice full of suspicion. "You were pretty convincing before, about not knowing them. I mean, if they did anything to change your mind, if they are threatening you-"

"They are not! I just- I'd forgotten about them. It's been a really, _really_ long time since we saw each other. We were different people back then. Like... very young... and all."

"So you shared a swing set in kindergarten," I shrug, "How's that helping us today? What do they even have to offer?"

Shifting from one foot to the other Magna draws in a deep breath. "Well, to start with, a kick-ass SWAT truck?"

My co-leader rolls her eyes. "In a world without gasoline? Useless!"

"They've got weapons. And a few real good fighters. Who I prefer to have on our side, when it comes to it," she tries again.

We stay quiet.

"And beer..."

Tara's face lights up in an instant. "For real?"

Now Magna's the one to raise her shoulders. "Evidently, yeah."

Leaning in a bit, Tara looks at me. "Maybe we should give them a chance? You know, hear what they've got to say?"

Unable to suppress a chuckle I shake my head. "I guess you should have started with the beer," I grin at Magna. "Alright then, let's go."

Without another word we make our way to the main gate behind which Magna's long-lost friends are waiting for us. Though not in a hurry we're all walking with a quick pace, yet as soon as the heavy door opens I freeze to the ground.

One look.

It only takes one look. One look at a face I've seen so many times before. A face I looked up to, often literally, as one does in the presence of a Commander, standing majestically in front of her thrown.

The memory hits me at full force. It's so strong, so sharp, that it doesn't even confuse me, although at some level I realize it doesn't make sense. But there's no time to ponder on that. I'm already back. Back in the last place I recall. Back in the throne room.

Yet this time she's not there.

She's gone. The throne is empty. And now it's up to me.

I shouldn't have to worry though. I'm prepared. I prepared for this my whole life. She did that. She taught me everything. Sure there were others, but they were just talking. Their words didn't mean anything. It was all her. She made me believe. In myself. In my destiny. In serving this higher purpose.

Such horseshit!

As I watch the massacre around me, watch how this place turns into a bloodbath in the blink of an eye, that's all I can think: such horseshit!

This can't be anyone's destiny. There's no way this can be the fate of an innocent.

The thought paralyzes me. With everyone around me fighting for dear life I just stand there. It isn't until the _Azgeda_ girl is coming straight towards me - her blood-drenched sword drawn above her head - that I suddenly become aware that I'm the last one standing. That this is it.

I clench my fist around the handle of my sword and take a step to the side in an attempt to seek cover behind the throne. I glance at it, just briefly, and realize how for the first time in my life it doesn't give me strength. It doesn't remind me why I'm doing this.

It only makes me angry.

When I try to fight off my attacker, who's so much stronger, so much bigger than me, I don't even see her. All I see is Lexa. Who I loved. Who I trusted. And who put me here to die.

I don't fight for the throne. I fight for my life. But I don't stand a chance. I never did. I see it crystal clear now. Now - as the sharp blade pierces my abdomen.

"Jesus, come on, let's just hear them out!"

Tara's loud voice pulls me back and makes me focus on my surroundings again.

With my eyes stuck on the young woman less than thirty feet away from me, I take a few more steps, until once again I simply can't anymore. An overwhelming sense of betrayal engulfs me.

"I'm not talking to her," I state. Still staring at this ghost from my past I take another small step. "She doesn't get anything from me!"

I take a quick look at Tara, then force myself to look straight into Lexa's eyes again. Fueled by pain and bitterness I raise my voice, "You took enough already!"

She doesn't say anything. She just sits there, on the hood of an old car. I watch how confusion clouds her face. She doesn't recognize me. For some reason that angers me even more. It awakens me. My body takes over and before I know it I cross the open space between us and stand eye to eye with her. For the first time in my life - the first part of it as well as the second - I look down on her.

"You have know idea, do you?"

She shakes her head, just slightly. "I- I don't. You're sure we know each other?"

"Oh, I'm sure," I nod without breaking eye-contact. "Maybe you should dig a little deeper... _Heda!?_ "

The mention of her title makes her gasp. Just for a second, but enough to notice. She's unsure. Unbalanced.

Her jaw tightens.

"Did you... Did you fight for me?" she quietly asks under her voice. "I'm sorry, there were so many, I didn't know every-"

"Oh, I fought for you!" I cut her off harshly. "Not in your army though. Oh no, I was way too young for that. Fighting till death, on the other hand, doesn't know age... does it?"

She blinks, leans forward and peers deep into my eyes, searching for any sign of recognition in the one part of me that hasn't aged.

"A- Aden?" she whispers.

"I was only eleven!"

My sudden outburst makes her flinch. She starts stammering, but I don't want to hear her weak excuses.

"I was just a child," I go on, a little less loud this time.

"A special child!" she corrects me as she quickly sits up straight. She reaches out her hand, about to rest it on my arm, but I move away to avoid her touch.

"Right. A special child that got zero chance to become a special man. Or any man at all. I need to be grateful for that?"

She heaves a deep, sorrowful sigh. "I know it's not fair. I do, I _know_. Now more than ever. But Aden, that's how we lived!"

"That's how I died!"

"What was I supposed to do?!"

"You were supposed to protect me!" I cry out, taking a last step forward while I point my finger at her. "You were my Commander. You were the one to keep me safe. If any one could have ended this-"

"No! No, I couldn't!" she exclaims. She shakes her head, more vigorously than before. "There was no choice. I had no choice."

"A Commander always has a choice! You chose culture - ancient history! - over life. You chose to prepare us for death. And the worst thing is you did so by making us believe it was the right thing to do. You made me trust you, worship you, willing to die for you. You know what we call that here? Indoctrination!"

She swallows and averts her eyes to the ground.

"You chose not to save us. Not to save _me_ ," I go on unabated. "Now I'm doing the same."

I turn around and start walking towards the gate without looking back.

 _"Reshop Heda,"_ I call over my shoulder, right before I pass Tara and Magna. "I want you off our grounds before sunrise."

... ...


	12. 12 Clarke

**CLARKE**

For the first time since I set foot on this planet I really don't know what to do. Or to say.

Jesus - or should I say Aden? - left minutes ago, followed by Luna and Tara. Lexa hasn't said a word since. She hasn't even moved. And so neither have I.

I turn my head to look at her. Her eyes are fixed on nothing. I'm not even sure she realizes I'm still here. Cautious not to scare her I gently lay my hand on her upper arm.

"He's wrong," I quietly tell her, "You know that, right?"

She draws her lips between her teeth, swallows visibly, then slowly faces me.

"Is he?"

"Of course he is!" I cry out, startling myself with my forcefulness. I lower my voice again. "You were the most bold, the most committed and the most caring Commander one could wish for. Always striving for a better world, with less war. Less pain. You were the only one who didn't want to hide behind traditions or culture any longer. Who made people see that it's not always an eye for an eye."

She scoffs. "And yet I didn't do anything to protect those kids." Her voice sounds unrelenting. "I went through the same childhood, survived in the most horrible way, then had to become someone I didn't even want to be. I experienced it - lived it! - and still made them go through the same."

"You cared about them! I've seen it with my own eyes."

"I did," she nods, "Which makes it even worse..."

She jumps off the hood and straightens her back. "He's got every right to hate me."

Without waiting for my response she turns around and starts to walk towards the camp. Still unable to move I watch her go. I can see her misery reflected in her defeated stride, in her slumped shoulders. Like she's carrying the weight of the whole world on her shoulders, all by herself. All alone.

Then it hits me.

Taking a sprint I quickly catch up with her. "It wasn't you," I pant, my chest rising and falling as I gasp for air. "You told me yourself. The other Commanders, their voices in your head, being stronger than anything. Insisting-"

"Clarke!"

"No, listen to me! I know you feel guilty, but how can you be when you weren't in control?"

She inhales sharply. "You make it sound like I wasn't me. Tell me this, then. You think it was them who changed Finn's death sentence? You think it was them accepting you as our allies, as our 13th clan?" Taking a step closer she looks deeply into my eyes. "You think it was them who fell in love with you?"

I stare back at her, speechless.

"The Flame tells you to be the best Commander. It reminds you to fulfill your duty. Which is why I knew Madi would never leave. How to be that Commander, that's up to you though. I'm not blaming anyone else for my decisions. And neither should you. _I_ failed those kids. I let them down. That's something I will have to live with."

I feel conflicted. It hurts to see her this upset, this angry with herself, but I can't help feeling a little proud as well. She doesn't shirk away from her responsibility. I realize she doesn't want me to say anything to make her feel better. So instead I take a deep breath, force a small yet sad smile and just nod.

She takes my hand and gives it a light squeeze. "Come on," she sighs, "We've got less than a day to come up with a new plan. We need to find the others."

Our camp looks the way we left it, except that it seems deserted now. It isn't though. As soon as we reach the campfire spot in the middle of it Al and Strand appear from both sides.

"You're back!" Strand welcomes us.

"We are," Lexa grins, although her eyes don't match her smile. "Where is everyone? They aren't looking for us, are they?"

Al shakes her head. "No, they're not. We found your note. They're just scavenging." She closes the distance between us, continuing in a soft voice, "You did got me worried though."

Lexa takes a seat on one of the logs. "You really didn't had to. At least not about our trip."

"What's going on?" Strand asks, his forehead creasing into a frown as he squats down. When Al sits down as well I don't hesitate to do the same. Lexa briefly glances at me, inhales and nods as if to say 'here we go', then looks at her friends again.

"Okay, I'm just gonna say it. We can't stay here. We have to be gone before the break of day."

She shares the news in one long breath. For a moment the others just stare at her.

"But... why?" Al questions, "Did we do something to piss them off?"

"You didn't," Lexa reassures her, "And neither did Clarke!" she quickly adds when they're both suddenly looking at me. "Look, it's me. I know a few of them from a long time ago, and-"

"Lexa!"

Luna's voice makes us all look up. As she makes her way towards us Strand frowns again.

"Alright, that's the second time someone calls you Lexa. What's up with that?"

Lexa opens her mouth, but no words come out.

"You didn't know she's actually called Alexa? Lexa for short?" I come to her rescue, "Huh, I'd think she would have told you somewhere over the years."

"Y- Yeah," Lexa stammers, her eyes meeting Luna's who's now joining us, "It's true. I just... I always hated that name. So I changed it into Alicia when I was like twelve, or something. She doesn't know any better," she goes on with her eyes still on Luna, before directing them at me, "And she's just a big tease."

Acting along I pull a face and shrug. "I just got a thing for the past."

Luna sits down on the ground with us. "Right, of course - Alicia. Sorry about that!" she starts as she stifles a laugh, " I uhm, I talked to Jesus."

Lexa jerks up her head. "Did he change his mind?"

"No. He just clarified that he was only talking about you. You need to go. The rest can stay."

Deeply exhaling, Lexa stares at her feet. She doesn't say anything.

"You gotta know, Jesus... he's not like this," Luna goes on. "He's a good guy. Friendly. Fair. And merciful. So whatever happened between the two of you must have really hurt him."

"It did. And I _am_ to blame. So I will go," Lexa sighs, breaking my heart as she does so. I rest my hand on her knee.

" _We_ will go," I tell them.

Strand stands up and stretches his legs, groaning since he's been kneeling down for too long. "I have no clue what you guys are talking about, but if you're going, I'm going."

Lexa thanks him with a grateful smile, but before she can speak up Luna comes in between.

"Well, here's the thing. I might know a place where you could go - Tara just told me about it. But they have a women-only policy." She looks up at Strand, apology shining through in her eyes.

Al leans forward. "There must be other safe places you know of...?"

"Yes, I know two more," Luna nods, "They're up north. But Hilltop works closely with them. All together, we're like one big community. So Jesus will not allow you to go there."

I shift in my seat, then turn towards Lexa. "What do you think?"

"I don't know." She shakes her head slowly before looking up again, her eyes now on her friends. "I lost one family already. I don't think I can lose another."

Now Strand's the one to show her a smile, warm and caring. "I hear you, girl. But for now it all comes down to safety. It's pretty clear there's nothing in this whole wide area, nowhere to be safe. The dead are in the majority. And then there are these clowns with their masks. We gonna need an army to defeat them!"

"What are you saying?" Lexa asks him.

"I'm saying we need all the safety we can get. If you can get in there, and we can get in here, then we live. We live, and we become part of a bigger world, and we become strong enough to fight whoever we need to fight. We survive and... and..."

"...we meet again," I complete his sentence.

He nods. "And we meet again."

Lexa heaves another sigh. "I don't know," she murmurs again, before looking at Luna. "Where exactly is this place?"

Luna takes a stick of the ground and sweeps the leaves aside with her foot. She draws a cross in the sand. "Okay, we're here. About seventy miles southwest of DC." She writes the letters down, followed by two more small crosses close to the D. "These are our other communities, so let's call that the wrong direction for now. This area in the middle is even more no-go, as it's claimed by the Whisperers."

She swiftly moves the stick through the soil, indicating a rather large area.

I raise my brows. "Weren't we there this morning?"

"Yes, right here," Luna nods, drawing another small cross, about twenty miles north from Hilltop. "Now as you can see you don't want to go in that direction. Oceanside, on the other hand, is somewhere... here!" She draws an O, southeast of Hilltop, and too far away from it for my liking.

Lexa seems to read my mind. "Seems far away," she mumbles.

"According to Tara, about eighty miles. A four hour ride, without any trouble. Or a three day hike... at least," Luna confirms my suspicion. She throws the stick to the side. "It's not next door, but not the end of the world either."

I swallow. It is when you've got a kid a hundred miles away.

Without a word Lexa suddenly gets up. I tilt my head and follow her with my eyes as she starts pacing back and forth. She looks pensive.

"I think you should do-"

"No!" she harshly interrupts Al, yet with her eyes back on Luna. "It's too far, and in the wrong direction. I'm sorry, I appreciate you trying to help, but it's not an option."

I jump to my feet before anyone can fight her on this. Grabbing her by the elbow I pull her along with me, until we're out of hearing distance.

"You're thinking about Madi, aren't you?" I quietly ask her.

"Of course I am!" she exclaims, though also beneath her breath. "About Madi, and about you. You can't be that far apart from each other. I won't let that happen. If we want to get her back-"

"Lexa, we are not getting her back! Not any time soon. No matter where we are. That's a fact we have to accept. A fact _I_ have to accept." A sad sigh escapes me. "She made her choice. And even though I don't particularly like that choice, I am proud of her for making it. For knowing what she wants, and acting to it. You know, people keep telling me she's like me, but to be honest she's way more like you. If I didn't know any better..."

I wink and finally get her to laugh for a moment.

"I think Strand is right," I go on without joking, "We all need to be safe for now. And we need to trust that Madi is okay, even though she's in this... this Whisperer territory. She _is_ safe. Cause she's got an army of Grounders to protect her. Who are real warriors. Those folks here are nothing compared to them! You know that. She's got Indra by her side. And a huge arsenal of weapons from the Eligius those people here can only dream about. Truth is, if anyone can defeat those assholes, it's Madi."

"So you'll have her go to war while we drink piña colada's at the beach?"

I shake my head. "No. I'm going to build her a home. Make sure she actually has something to fight for. With the choice she made not to leave them, and the choice you made not to join them, that's really all I can do."

She squints at me. "Are you sure that's what you want?"

"I am," I nod as I tuck a lock of hair behind her ear, "But only if you're with me."

Her eyes drift off to the camp. To her friends with whom she has traveled and lived with for so long. When she turns to me again she slowly bobs her head. "I'm with you. Of course I'm with you."

"Then let's tell Luna," I smile, secretly a little relieved.

Lexa lowers her chin, widening her eyes. "Magna," she corrects me.

"Right! Magna! Magna, Magna, Magna! I really need to get that into my system," I smirk as I pull her close to me. "Can I still call you Lexa, though?"

"You can call me anything you want," she hums, "But I prefer Baby, Gorgeous or, you know... the greatest love of your life."

My laughter is cut off by her lips.

When we break apart I take her hand in mine. Together we join the small group again.

"We'll go to Oceanside," my indeed Greatest Love tells Magna(!). "How will we find it?"

She gets up. "I'll ask Tara to draw a map - a real one," she grins, "And I'll go with you. Yumiko and I both will."

"Yumiko? No, we can't ask her to walk that far," Lexa calls out, wide-eyed.

Magna smiles at her. "She can do it, trust me. By tomorrow it's been two days. The stitches will hold, right?"

I nod. They will.

"We can use the car, it will bring us at least halfway before it's empty again," she goes on. "Maybe I can get us a horse as well."

Lexa lets go of my hand and takes a step towards her old friend. "You really don't have to c-"

"I told you I'd help you, didn't I?" Magna cuts her off.

Lexa's lips curve into a thankful smile.

I join them and lightly rest my hand on Lexa's lower back. "So it's the four of us?"

"Make that five," Al speaks up before anyone can confirm my question. "I will come, too."

Taken by surprise, we all stare at her.

"You are?" Lexa asks in astonishment.

"Hell yeah," she laughs, "Being around saves me from worrying. Plus it's all women there, right? I bet there's some great story behind that!"

... ...


	13. 13 Lexa - Alicia

**LEXA | ALICIA**

It's still dark when we meet at the gate, right where we left the car the other day. Magna and Yumiko are already waiting for us. And they're not alone. They brought two horses with them.

"These are yours?" I ask in surprise.

"We borrowed them," Yumiko explains while stroking the horse's neck, "With the promise to bring them back. Whenever that will be."

Clarke steps forward. "How's your leg?" she checks like a true physician.

"Much better, thank you," Yumiko smiles at her. Magna lays her hand on her girl's shoulder.

"Although she's healing well, we figured more rest can't harm. So Miko will take the car till it runs out of gas. To avoid overburdening the leg, and friction from the saddle."

"Then again, riding is still better than walking," Yumiko adds. "So as soon as the car is useless I'll jump on."

Magna looks at me. She winks. "You still remember how to ride?"

I scoff. "I remember quite well. My butt on the other hand..."

We all laugh, and with that it seems decided that Magna and I will ride the horses for the first part. Magna shows us the map she asked Tara to draw. With the amount of gasoline left in the tank we reckon we can make it halfway. Those first forty miles aren't exactly a straight line though.

"Looks like Magna and I can take a lot of shortcuts. Which is good, cause it means you guys can actually drive with normal speed. I'd say we wait here, here and here for each other," I suggest as I circle soms junctions on the map. "When it takes over half an hour to meet up at these points we start looking till we're complete again."

"Sounds like a plan," Al nods. "Let me draw a copy."

While Al duplicates the map, Magna, Clarke and I load the car with our backpacks, tents and blankets. When everything is in place we're ready to go.

I turn around and gently pat the horse that will be my companion for the next two or so hours. It's my way of getting acquainted before we can give each other our full confidence. A habit that has stuck from my past, I guess. However, before I can mount the animal, I feel a pair of arms tightly wrap around me from behind.

"Stay safe... baby," Clarke tells me in a whisper, her lips close to my ear.

A giggle bursts out of me and I quickly turn around to face her, smiling from ear to ear. I lean in and kiss her. "I will," I promise with my lips still close to hers.

She returns my smile, lets go of me and starts to walk towards the car.

"Hey," I call after her. She spins around. "It's gonna be alright, you know?"

Her forehead creases. "What is?"

"Everything! We'll find a place. Build a home. Our people will join us - if they want to. Heck, I might even marry you."

"You love me that much, huh?" She takes a step closer, her eyes twinkling as they meet mine.

"Nah... I just really want you to become Clarke Clark," I tease before suddenly pulling her in and locking our lips again. "Yes, you moron, I love you _that_ much!" I tell her as soon as we break apart. Moving my lips to her ear I whisper, "I always have."

... ...

"I really appreciate you helping us, joining us all the way there. Especially since you're leaving a great place behind."

I look to my side, where Magna is riding right next to me. She turns her head and smiles with a nod.

"Well, in all honesty, it's not all just for you," she confesses. "This whole previous-life thing, it's... overwhelming. To say the least. All the emotions, and all the questions on top of that. It just seemed wise to be around someone who's going through the same."

"Makes sense," I agree, "But for that you actually could have stayed right where you were."

She glances at me with a questioning look. I lift my shoulder in a one-sided shrug. "Why do you think Jesus sent me away?"

As we cross an open meadow I tell her all about Aden, who she got to know as Jesus, and who now is both of them - in the same idiotic way as we are one with our past. I tell her about our connection back then, and how it's now firing back at me.

"I still haven't figured out why all this is happening to me - to _us_. But the encounter with Jesus got me thinking... maybe it's some kind of karma? You know, what goes around comes around?"

"Hm, I don't think that's what it is," Magna murmurs. "If it were I'm pretty sure I would have returned as an armadillo bug."

I want to laugh, but I stop myself when I see she isn't joking.

"I don't know," she goes on, "It feels like we've been given a fresh start. At least that's what it looks like. Don't know about you, but my life ended with a giant hole in my torso, yet I was born again without a scratch. I'm not even a Nightblood anymore. Are you?"

I shake my head. I'm not.

I let her words sink in. It's true that we left a part of ourselves behind. But it feels like I took the bigger part with me.

"How about the memories," I muse out loud. "The fact that we recall who we were? And what we did? That doesn't sound like a common reincarnation thing - which I'm not even sure I believe in. And it definitely doesn't feel like a fun bonus, since it wasn't exactly all beer and skittles back then."

"You think we remember it all for a reason?" she wonders, raising her brows.

"Maybe? What if that's what it's actually about? Having to deal with the bad stuff - the memories, the darkness, the consequences of our choices? We never got the chance to make things right, as our lives ended all so abruptly. We never got to feel it... to live with it."

"That wouldn't explain Aden's comeback though, would it? He sounded pretty innocent to me?"

A sigh escapes me. "You're right. I can't think of any reason why he would deserve this... this... punishment."

We reach a stream and stay quiet for a moment while we cross it, as it turns out to be a little deeper than it looked like at first sight. We make it to the other side with dry feet though.

"Maybe it doesn't have to be a punishment," Magna continues when we're back on the shore. "Maybe there's not even a higher purpose? It might just be about second chances. About coming to terms with whatever we need to deal with, whether as a perpetrator or as a victim, so we can move on after all."

"So we can actually live _this_ life without any burden?"

She shrugs. "Well, dwelling in the past never helps. The sooner you can leave it all behind..."

"You think it really works like that?" I question, "Like, when you decided to distance yourself from Luna, to simply state she's gone, did that help you to turn that switch?"

Moving her eyes to the path in front of us she draws in a long breath, then blows out her cheeks. "No," she admits. "As much as I want to stick my head in the sand I know there are a few things I have to face. I just don't know how yet. Also, I can't help but wonder..."

She falls quiet.

"What?" I cautiously ask.

She looks at me again, briefly. There's this sadness in her eyes I haven't seen before.

"Do you... Do you think my brother is somewhere out here as well?"

Her question surprises me. I hadn't thought about the possibility yet.

"Honestly? I don't know. But yeah, maybe. I mean, it's three of us already. All ending up in the same area. So, sure... who knows."

"Guess it would be impossible to find him though," she sighs. "He might be aged, like Jesus. Or-" Her eye catches a walker, tied to a tree and deliriously biting into the air. "Or look like him."

As we pass the undead I smash his brain with my gun barrel, releasing him from his inhumane, endless sentence.

"No, let's not go there! If he's here indeed, and he's anything like you, I'm sure he's doing alright," I tell her. "But I think you're right, looking for him would be useless. This world is too big, and he could simply be anybody."

She nods, and as our eyes meet again a small smirk appears on her face. "Plus there's the fact of us heading towards an all-female hideout."

"Plus there's that," I grin in response.

"Or at least that's the plan," she goes on as she points in the distance, where a four feet high wall is blocking our way. She looks at me defiantly. "You think you can handle that one?"

I answer her by spurring on my horse and galloping straight towards the barrier.

"Meet you on the other side," I call over my shoulder, and when I make the jump I realize that's exactly what happened with us - and I'm really, really glad it did.

... ...

We were right: the car ran out of gas when we were almost halfway. As soon as it did we put the blankets and tents on the horses and strapped our backpacks on. The easy part was over.

Forty miles by foot takes about six times as long as it does by car. So we were up for at least twelve to fourteen hours, more if we'd run into trouble. We walked with hardly any breaks and covered a large part all together, but besides the fact that darkness fell, we all had to admit that our legs (and butts) were done with it.

Luckily we found an abandoned building that had once been a small shop, which offered us a safe place to sleep (and also - finally - some new clothes for Clarke).

After a good night's sleep, we started part two this morning.

Just like yesterday, Yumiko rides on one horse and the rest of us takes turns riding the other. That is, the rest of us except for Al. She refuses to climb on it because, as it turns out, she once fell off one.

Thinking back of the moment when she confessed her fear yesterday I can't help but laugh again.

"You know Al, I kind of thought you weren't scared of anything," I chuckle as I look at my friend who's walking in front of me. She holds her pace so I can catch up with her, then looks at me. She knows what I'm talking about without asking.

"I'm not scared of horses!" she sets me straight, "I'm just not riding them."

"Sure, whatever," I laugh. "It's funny, isn't it? We've met years ago and there's still so much I don't know about you."

"Ha, and that's coming from you!" she snorts.

I narrow my eyes. "What do you mean?"

"Are you ever going to tell me about her?" she grins, bobbing her head towards Clarke, who's now riding the horse, about twenty feet away from us. "Your instant girlfriend who came falling out of the sky just like that?"

"I can imagine it looked like that," I chuckle, understanding her curiosity. "But we actually go far back. We were together before."

"Before the outbreak? I thought you had a boyfriend back then?"

"I did, yes. Matt..." I smile. A feeling of melancholy hits me. It's been a while since I thought of him. I sigh and focus on my friend again. "No, I actually met Clarke way before that. We were in some kids club together. Like the Girl Scouts. That's where we met Magna, too."

She looks at me, her eyes full of questions. The journalist in her wants more. Yet knowing her longer than today, I prepared myself for this moment.

"We lost touch during high school, but ran into each other again shortly after the world fell apart - but before I met Strand," I start to tell. "We weren't exactly kids anymore, and we uh... we really hit it off. So to speak. Sadly we lost each other soon after. I learned just now that she'd been taken by the army. She's been with them ever since."

I can't believe I'm lying to my friend like this. Especially because Al is always in for a good story and I'm positive she would really love the original one - if she could ever believe it. I'm just glad that she at least seems to be digging the alternative version as well.

"Those people she was with, they were soldiers?" she asks eagerly, yet with some understandable skepticism in her voice.

"Yes. Well, no, not soldiers like any soldiers we know," I go on, trying to remember the story I made up in my head. "They were part of some special division. After the US army had fallen they kept going on, now adjusted to this new world. Fully undercover, they aim to do good by going after the bad. That's why they chose this area, apparently. They're here to fight the Whisperers. That's all I know. I can't tell you anything more, since Clarke claims she already said too much. It's a secret mission."

Al nods. "I get that. How 'bout that rocket... spaceship... whatever that thing was? How did they get it?"

I put my hand on her shoulder and pull her a bit downwards to get closer to her ear. "Dreamland," I mumble beneath my breath.

"No way!" she gasps, wide-eyed. "Area 51?! For real?! They got in there?"

I wiggle my brows. If I have to come up with a story it might as well be an entertaining one. Nevertheless I swear to myself right here and right now that one day I'll tell her the truth, and make up for lying in whatever way I can or need to.

"You know what, forget that I even asked," she cries out, "Hearing these kind of stories, now that my camera broke down... it's too much!"

I can't help but laugh. "You can always consider reviving the written press," I joke, bumping my shoulder against her arm in my failed attempted to hit her shoulder.

She playfully pushes me back aside. Frolicking like this we reach the bridge where the others are waiting for us.

"Time to get out those white flags," Magna tells us.

Unlike us, she isn't joking. Tara explained how Oceanside manages to keep the enemy out: they simply kill every stranger that gets to close. And although they are supposed to be on better terms with some other communities these days we don't want to take any risk.

With white rags in our hands we cross the bridge and leave the road to follow the dry river to the east. Somewhere between these trees and the ocean should be a place we might call home. If we make it there alive...

We walk through the nullah in silence, all five of us, with the horses right behind us on their leashes. Despite the fact that we must be getting closer to the coast the forest around us is getting thicker with every few hundred yards, making it more and more difficult to see through the trees. Which is why the young woman in front of us seems to be coming out of nowhere.

"Stop right there!" she tells us in a clear, steady voice.

Magna immediately waves her flag, and we all follow her example. You'd think I'd feel silly, but the rifle she's holding stops me from thinking anything at all.

"We're friends of Tara," Magna starts explaining. She makes sure not to make any unexpected movements. "She wrote a note for Cyndie. You know her?"

"I do," the woman nods, "I am her."

Exhaling in relief, Magna forces a smile. "Great! I've got it right here in my pocket. Can I take it out for you?"

"Yes. Show me from over there, then bring it to me. The rest of you stay there!" Cyndie orders, continuing when Magna slowly walks towards her, "I told Tara to never ever tell anyone about us. So far that's not going great."

She might be pointing a heavy shotgun at us, but somehow I like her already.

Cyndie takes the note from Magna, who quickly takes a step backwards, and reads it without giving us the chance to pull a trick on her. When she's done she lowers her hand with the small piece of paper _and_ the one with the rifle.

"Okay," she nods again, "Any of you know how to fish?"

... ...


	14. 14 Al(thea)

**AL(THEA)**

Cyndie took us to her settlement without further questions. Evidently Tara's letter was that convincing. Or maybe she owed her something? Whatever it was, it finally felt as if luck was on our side for once.

The feeling only increased when we actually got to Oceanside, which turned out to be a former beach resort or campground. I don't know, something fun and recreational.

Although they turned it into a small village, with people actually living and working in the various cabins, and with the old swimming pool now serving as a vegetable garden, the whole place still has this cozy, holiday ambiance. Homey, even. An atmosphere I wasn't aware I needed this much until I set foot there. Me - the always yearning for excitement, restless, metropolitan (yet you-can-send-me-anywhere-for-a-story) reporter!

Then again, even without the disastrous outbreak my young and fearless fresh-out-of-college days would be far behind me by now, so perhaps the adventurous missions and bar hopping nights would be, too. Who knows what life would have looked like these days if things hadn't gone to hell?

Anyway, we made it to the compound, where they happened to have one cabin left. The poorest one - of course. Between you and me, a shack would be a better word. But it's still a whole lot more than anything we've had for the past year. It has a roof, decent beds and a small kitchen with a stove. It even has running water.

So far for the good part. It's also the size of a shoebox, while we have to share it with the five of us. And sharing with two couples... not that great.

Cyndie and her friend Rachel, the two leaders, didn't ask us for much in return, except for our contribution. No one stays at Oceanside without a job - with the exception of the few kids that grow up here; they actually go to some kind of school. So the question was: what did we had to offer?

Unfortunately for me they didn't need a journalist. In retrospect it might have been better not to ask them what they _did_ need, because now I'm part of the fishing team. And unlike Magna, who joined me, I'm not doing that well in, on and around the water.

Where Magna dazzled everyone with her natural fishing skills from the first minute on (I am starting to suspect that she's secretly a mermaid), I've been failing on every level. It's been a week and I still hardly caught anything. Instead I got seasick twice - barfing and everything - and fell off the boat once. I don't know why I'm not fired yet.

While I've been making a fool of myself, Alicia and Yumiko both joined the hunting squad, and Clarke started helping out at the small clinic. Finally, all five of us also started helping to guard this place, just like everyone else who lives here.

So, I guess it's safe to say that we've all been pretty busy since the day we arrived. Which is certainly something I needed to get used to again, but a little to my own surprise I have to say it mostly just feels really good. For the first time in forever things seem as they used to be in what now feels like a previous life... Well, except for the wild Friday nights that is.

But it turns out they even found some kind of alternative for that as well. Cause tonight it's party time in Oceanside!

To celebrate Rachel's birthday they built a bonfire on the beach, and although we're without Jimbo's Beerbos, they managed to organize some good snacks and drinks. With lots of laughter, chit-chat and even a few songs the night really isn't that much different from a night in a bar. A beach bar instead of a Manhattan one, but still...

It's not just funny tales though. Tonight we also get to hear the sad ones.

We learn why there are no grown men around here, and how it has nothing to do with rainbow flags. They used to have plenty of brothers, husbands, fathers and sons around. Until a couple of years ago this group called the Saviors decided to kill every male over the age of ten. Which is why the few boys left are now all between five and fourteen.

The truth about their history leaves us speechless. We're only left with a handful of people, now that the evening is turning into night and with most of the attendees gone (or on watch - like Magna and Yumiko), so our sudden silence is quite dominant. For a short moment the air is only filled with the crackling sound of the fire and the rolling roar of the waves.

"Anyhow, enough with all the misery," Cyndie blurts out, cracking a smile as she looks round at us in her attempt to lighten the mood. "How about you guys? You've always been friends?"

A snort escapes me. "You wanna tell me how we met?" I ask Alicia. She's sitting on the other side of the fire, whose flames are now less than two feet high.

"You mean how I pretended to be hurt before I almost pierced your throat?" she grins, "I'm not sure if I should, Al."

I mirror her grin. "I also remember some serious wrestling in my truck. Actually still got a scar from that!"

"Ah, the classic foe to friend story," Rachel laughs. "They are always hard to beat!"

Alicia's smirk grows even bigger. "How about the enemy to lover version? I'm not the only one putting knives to people's throats. This one almost slit mine once!"

She wraps her arm around Clarke and pulls her close against her, showing everyone that whatever happened between them is clearly in the far past.

"You might want to mention how you betrayed me not long before that," Clarke mumbles in a quasi-defensive way, yet unable to hide the beginnings of a smile.

"Yeah, that _also_ might be a bad idea," Alicia sniggers. She wiggles her brows at her, which seems to be the start of a silent conversation between the two of them I don't necessarily need to witness.

I poke a stick in the fire to stir up the flames and watch the sparks fly up in the sky.

"Well, I think we can all agree that _not_ always going for the kill works out sometimes. Right, sis?" Cyndie winks at her young companion. "We wouldn't be sitting here with new friends if we had stuck to the rules and killed Tara years ago."

"You mean if you hadn't stopped me?!" Rachel scoffs.

Cyndie spreads her hands. "Well, I didn't wanna say it..." Without waiting for her mate's reaction she raises her glass. "To new friends! And to old one's adding another year to the list!"

We all toast and congratulate the birthday girl.

"Now tell me, how do you even know it's your birthday?" Alicia asks laughing.

Rachel grins. "I don't. I mean, no one has a clue what day it is, right? But that doesn't mean we shouldn't celebrate anymore. So whenever we decide we deserve some fun we pick a night and the next person on the calendar, and we have a party. And hey, as long as it's not snowing it _could_ be the right day... I'm born in June, you see."

Clarke shakes her head. "I'm really starting to wonder why they got us thinking you're all rough and tough, and not to mess with!"

"Because we are!" Rachel exclaims. "Believe me, you don't wanna fight us! This, what you see here, this is just us behind the scenes."

The sound of laughter rises up again. Nonetheless I can still hear Alicia's voice, quietly asking Clarke if she's ready to move behind the scenes as well. I can only assume Clarke's giggling means yes, especially when they both stand up, together as one.

Mary and Deb, two of my fellow fishing mates, follow their example, as does Rachel. After wishing everyone goodnight the whole bunch leaves the small beach. My gaze only follows my own friends though.

"Does she know?"

Cyndie's voice besides me startles me. For some reason I thought I was the only one left.

"What? Who?!" I stammer.

"Alicia? Does she know you're into her?"

"I- I'm not..." As I stop myself from talking a heavy sigh escapes me. I look heavenward, cursing myself, and shake my head, slowly. "No, I don't think so."

Cyndie shifts in her spot. We'd be facing each other now if I would do the same - which I don't. I do look at her though, from the corner of my eyes. There's a soft, friendly smile on her lips, and despite the fact that I would do anything to lure a potential deadly herd right now, just for the sake of distraction, I catch myself briefly smiling back at her. I make some hopeless, half-shrug gesture.

"So, what's your story?" she asks.

"I thought there was no place for journalists here?" I scoff, laughing.

Her brows arch and she keeps staring at me with those big, brown eyes - eager yet patiently. A dangerous combination.

Feeling more uncomfortable by the minute I clear my throat and shake my head again, before surprising the both of us by suddenly pulling my beanie down, covering at least half of my face. Her laughter sounds warm and genuine, like she actually thinks I'm funny, which is why I don't fight her when she pulls it off my head.

"Isn't it weird that no matter how old you are, there are just some things in life that will always make you feel fifteen again?"

I nod in understanding, then turn my head, facing her again.

"I used to be cool, you know?"

"Weren't we all?" she laughs, and I can't help but chuckle along. She tosses the beanie into my lap. "For what it's worth, I still think you're cool. The whole world went down, but you're still standing. You survived. _You_ did that. Nobody else. And not just by depending on others. I heard about your skills-"

"From whom?"

She cocks her head.

"Alicia..." I mumble.

Leaning forward she pats my knee and smiles again. "I'm just saying you're more than a chick with a crush. And _way_ more than a chick who can't fish."

I moan. "You heard about that too, huh?"

"I hear everything," she grins. "You want me to find you a better job?"

A deep, relieved sigh escapes me. "I think that's best for everyone!"

"Consider it done," she shrugs with casual authority, "...if you tell me about Alicia."

"Oh, come on!" I cry out, throwing my head back in despair. "Why would that even interest you? It's just more misery. Weren't you done with that for tonight?"

She shrugs again. "I don't know. Perhaps I just hate how the apocalypse wasn't just the end of civilization... it also robbed me from my soap operas! I guess after all this time I'm just dying for a juicy story - even if it's a tragic one."

I roll my eyes. Hopeless. This girl is hopeless. Even more hopeless than me!

On the other hand... all joking aside, she does sound sincere. And would it really be so bad to let my guard down for once? To trust someone a little? It might actually be nice to have another friend here. One that isn't _her._

I take a deep breath and turn towards her, mirroring her cross-legged position.

"I don't think there's a real story to tell here. Alicia and I, we've been friends for quite a while. Just friends. We're real easy around each other. Always goofing around, cracking jokes - at least that's what I want her to believe. Sure as hell don't want her to think I might be flirting with her, even though once in a blue moon I get this feeling, this hint that it isn't just me. Like there might actually be some vibe between us. But I always kept telling myself it was all in my head. Because I knew her. I knew her well enough to see that it couldn't be real." I pause for a moment to catch my breath. "Yet of course I knew myself even better. I knew I was falling for her. I couldn't deny those feelings. I could shove them to the background though. Which I did, obviously, as I decided that acting on them would only jeopardize our friendship."

My shoulders sag and I exhale. "You know, I simply believed she wasn't an option. I really never knew she was..." I raise my hand and give a vague wave. "I just never knew. And when I found out that I was wrong, I was clearly too late."

Cyndie narrows her eyes. "Are you really?"

"You've seen them, right?" I sigh.

Slowly nodding her head, she pouts compassionately. "Must be tough, watching them together all the time."

"Watching them, listening to them... living with them! You know the worst thing is that I'm doing this to myself. I could have let them go - let _her_ go - and just stay behind with the others. Out of sight, out of mind, right? But I reckoned I'd rather be around her knowing she would never feel the same, then..." I fall quiet for another moment. "Clearly I am my own worst enemy."

"Well, you couldn't know you had to live in a frat house," she laughs, before quickly resting her hands on my knees again and adding, "Sorry, that's not funny!"

An unexpected but very welcome chuckle bursts of my lips. "It kind of is, actually... when you think of it. The five of us cramped in there together."

"I'd rather not, but I'm glad to see you laugh again," she joins my snickering. "And you know what?"

I break my stare, which I was unaware of till now, and move my eyes from her hands on my knees up to her face. The warm glow of the campfire illuminates her caramel-colored skin.

"What?"

She scooches closer, our knees now practically touching, and leans in as if she's about to share a secret. "I think it's her loss."

Accepting the lie for once, I feel my lips curve into a grateful smile.

"And if you ever need a place to stay..." she goes on.

My eyes grow wide. "You got an extra bed?"

She lifts her hand and gently brushes the lock of hair from my forehead to the side. Our eyes lock.

"No," she answers, her voice dead serious.

I freeze, swallow, then crack up laughing - nervously, so basically like an idiot. It doesn't unbalance her though. She doesn't look away, startled by her own words. She doesn't even blink. Instead her mouth slowly forms a small, seductive grin. The most beautiful one I've seen in a long time. The most tempting one, too. But...

"I- I'm flattered. But I... I can't," I murmur, averting my eyes to the darkness of the ocean. "It wouldn't be fair. To you, I mean."

She gets up, wiping the sand of her jeans. "Who says it needs to be fair? Who says it needs to be anything at all? Anything but some well deserved distraction?!"

She reaches out her hand to me.

Unconsciously my eyes wander to my cabin, half hidden behind the trees. The lights are out, but I can still see the outline. I press my lips together.

Cyndie doesn't say anything. She doesn't move either. She just waits, patiently, as she watches me - with her hand still open like an invitation. I look up at her and catch the sparkle in her eyes. A sparkle that somehow brings me back to that other life.

Ten years ago I would not have thought twice about this. Eager for life I took every chance I got, always, and I didn't allow myself any regrets over lost opportunities. Why would today be any different?

I mean, come on... look at her!

Fighting another chuckle, I shake my head.

"It's time, Szewczyk-Przygocki," I smile to myself as I lay my hand in hers and let her pull me up, "Time to start living again!"

... ...


	15. 15 Clarke

**CLARKE**

"Wow, I'd never thought I'd say this, but you're terrible at this!" Trying to keep from laughing I quickly suck my lips into my mouth. Lexa gives me a death glare.

"Not helping, Clarke!" she grumbles.

"I'm sorry," I nicker, unable to control myself any longer, "It's just... how can you throw spears - and knives! - piercing moving body parts from afar... yet not shoot a single arrow?"

She takes another arrow from her quiver and places it in position.

"I _can_ shoot!" she sets me straight - eyes on the target as she pulls the string back. As she lets go the arrow whistles towards the tree about thirty feet away from us, missing it by at least an arm's length. A deep sigh escapes her. "I just can't hit."

I make my way to the tree for what feels like the hundredth time - my job for the day as I promised her to help her train - and look back at her over my shoulder, beaming. "Which is of course the least important part, so why bother, right?"

When I return to her with the collected arrows she groans again.

"I just hate that I can't use a hunting rifle. Or that knives and spears are so ineffective. I always sucked at archery," she mutters in frustration. "Why do you think I choose swords?"

I hand her the arrows and boop her nose with my index finger. "You'll get the hang of it. I'm telling you, before you know it you'll be the hunter of all hunters."

She scoffs. "Yeah, right."

"Just give it time," I cock my head, a smile lingering on my lips. "You know we've got plenty, right? Now that we're here."

Although her moping is wondrously adorable I'm glad to see the corner of her lips quirking up.

"We made it, didn't we?" she smiles, making me grin as well.

"Sure looks like it." I step closer and place my hands on her hips. Pulling her in with no resistance from her side our noses graze, and I softly hum, "Though honestly every place with you feels like home."

I give her a light peck, but she surprises me by pressing her mouth firmly to mine, reconnecting our lips as soon as they lose touch. With her tongue running across my lower lip I surrender without giving it a second thought and open my mouth to welcome her - ignoring the bow that's now pressed against my back as she pulls me even closer.

By now we've been this close, this intimate, more often than before I lost her, but it doesn't seem to make any difference. It doesn't seem to matter. I honestly don't think I ever get used to it. My stomach still flips, my heart still feels like it's about to explode as soon as our lips touch, as soon as our tongues collide - as soon as we breathe as one.

It doesn't take long for the rest of my body to respond, craving for more. More hands. More lips. More Lexa. I briefly open my eyes to see if she's with me... and realize we're still in the middle of this small yet very public beach.

"Wait, wait!" I mumble against her lips. With my hands on her shoulders I reluctantly push myself away from her a little. "Not here."

She takes a deep breath, then glances over my shoulder to our cabin, half hidden behind the trees. She grabs my hand. "Okay. Let's go home."

I stop her by pulling her back, sighing, "The other's are there." As soon as she's facing me again I lift my hand and tuck a lock behind her ear. "Guess we haven't made it just yet."

We exhale in unison.

"Now what?" Lexa ponders, suddenly looking a little lost.

I shrug. "Back to practice?" I lean in to nudge her with my shoulder, then swiftly press a kiss on her cheek, making sure to stay away from her lips this time. "Play a little Cupid?"

"Make the trees fall in love with each other?" she snorts. "Sure, why not?"

Adjusting another arrow she gets in position again, draws, and releases.

"Yesss!" I cheer as the arrow hits the trunk. "See?"

She shakes her head.

"What?!"

"I was aiming for the other tree!"

My shoulders sag. "Oh." I move my eyes from Lexa to the tree with the arrow, then back to Lexa. "Well, at least it's stuck. That's progress."

Lexa puffs, telling me she doesn't agree, but already prepares for the next shot, not ready to give up - what I absolutely love about her.

The next two arrows are definitely more in line with the target, hitting the ground right in front of it. I stay quiet this time, not wanting to come of as annoyingly cheerful, but I exult in silence when I note the hint of a smile on her lips.

I leisurely wander to the tree again and kneel down to pick up the two arrows, freezing in my motion when I don't find two but three of them in the sand. Did I miss one before?

The third one is partly hidden under some leafs, which is why I don't notice the difference until I pull it out. Unlike Yumiko's, which we're using for practice, the fletching is quite small and although black and white as well the color seems slightly off.

"Clarke?"

I look up, watching Lexa walk towards me, a curious look on her face.

"What's up?"

As an answer I show her the arrow.

"You found us an extra one? Cool!" She stretches her hand to take it from me, but I'm already examining it again, more closely this time.

"I'm not sure we're talking lost and found here," I mumble. "I think I know this arrow."

She squats down besides me. Her eyes break from the arrow and find mine. She raises her brows. "You do?"

I slowly nod. "I think it's from Echo."

"Echo? The _Azgeda_ spy?!" Lexa's eyes grow even bigger.

Understanding her confusion as she still doesn't know the full story, I chuckle. "Believe me or not, but she's one of us now."

"Shooting arrows at us? Doesn't look like it!"

"Trust me, if she'd been shooting them _at_ us we'd be lying on the ground right now, bleeding to death." Unable to stop it I feel my lips curl into a goofy smile. "She's not one to hit the wrong tree."

"Oh, shut up!" she snarls again, though with laughter sparkling in her eyes. She playfully pushes me backwards, my butt hitting the sand before I know it, and grins at me like this settles the score.

"What do you think this means," she asks as I scramble back to my feet. "She's here?"

My eyes are already scanning our surroundings, peering through the trees for any sign. Of course there's no Echo. If she wants to be invisible, she's invisible. There is a clue though, about twenty feet away from us.

"There!" I point.

It's another arrow, stuck to a tree. It's not a lot, but when we get there and look around again, we spot a third one, even further away from the settlement.

"She's leading us away from Oceanside," Lexa states.

I nod and take her hand. "Come on."

When she doesn't move I face her again. "Please, come with me? Something must be going on. And whatever it is, I feel I really need you with me. And I swear Echo won't hurt you. Or want anything from you. She never did, did she?"

She shakes her head, slowly, but keeps hesitating.

"She watched us at the beach. Maybe even before that." I give her a light squeeze. "Like it or not, but she's seen you already."

Lexa doesn't answer. Instead she inhales deeply, lifts her free hand and abruptly pulls the arrow from the tree. "She might need these again," she murmurs, her voice hardly audible, before looking at me. "Let's go."

We follow the trail of arrows, collecting them all as we move away further and further from the place we call home. By the time we've got our hands full we must have crossed at least a mile. That's where the second surprise awaits us.

Echo is not alone.

Next to her, sitting on the hood of a rusty jeep, is Raven.

There's no point in turning around. They see us as soon as we see them. I quickly glance at Lexa. I know the history between them. I was there.

My own unresolved issues with her are nothing compared to theirs.

As we slowly draw closer I realize that Raven doesn't look shocked by the sight of Lexa. Puzzled, yes. But not dismayed. Echo must have told her about the resemblance.

Or maybe they already know - somehow - that this girl right next to me, dressed in sneakers, tight jeans and a light bomber jacket, is actually the fearless, former leader of an entire nation?

When we're only a few steps away they both jump off the hood. I feel the sudden need to hug them, despite the fact that I know too well how Raven feels about me, but I fight the urge. It's really good to see them again though and it hits me how much I miss my own people.

I'm not sure if they feel the same.

"Hello Princess," Raven breaks our silence. Her eyes are cold. I hate that. "We didn't get the chance to catch up last time. I see you made some remarkable choices again. Or should I just call this the easy way out?"

Before I can answer she looks at Lexa. "You're really her, aren't you?"

Lexa swallows, but doesn't flinch. "You remember?" she asks in return.

Raven lifts her arm, showing us the scar on her triceps. "Call me crazy, but I don't easily forget torture. Not to mention my boyfriend's death sentence."

My eyes are glued on Lexa. She doesn't say anything, nor does she move. I recognize the slight clenching of her jaw though. Just like the fierce look in her eyes. She doesn't want to hear it, but I've been noticing more and more _Heda_ shining through since she remembered her old self, and today is no exception.

"How are you here?" Echo asks.

"I don't know," Lexa answers truthfully, "How are you?"

"Madi," Echo shrugs. "She made me follow you guys the morning you left our camp. Needed to know where to find you, just in case..."

I narrow my eyes. "That's half a moon ago. You've been here all along?"

She shakes her head. "No, I went back as soon as I knew you found a safe spot here. You might not be aware of it, but we got ourselves into a war pretty much straight away after landing."

"See, that's what friends do," Raven snarks, "They stay around when they're needed."

"Yes Raven, I know!" I snap, louder than I want to, "I know I let you down - I let everybody down! You wanna hear me say it? I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

If it weren't for the sudden though gentle touch of Lexa's hand on my shoulder I'd probably apologize a thousand more times. Instead I fall quiet and just stare at my estranged friend, my face more grim than she deserves. She stares right back at me, keeping any more possible comments to herself. I guess this is our way of a ceasefire.

Lexa looks at Echo again. "Why did you come back? Need help fighting those Whisperers?"

"Whisperers?" Echo frowns.

"Yeah, those masked idiots. I assume you're at war with them?"

"Actually we pretty much got them already," Echo smirks scornful. "Indra led our army right into their territory, defeated everyone they encountered, and Shaw and Raven blew up their camp - Skaikru style. They didn't stand a chance."

"Not the most peaceful solution," Lexa nods with a blank expression, but with a shimmer in her eyes that tell me she's trying really hard to suppress a grin at least as wide as Echo's. Like I said: once a Commander... "But problem solved," she concludes.

"We wish. Those fools were never a problem. Not for us. Maybe you forgot, with whatever happening to you," she makes a vague gesture, "but the you I know could have finished them with your eyes closed."

I cough, just to check if I'm still capable of making a sound. "Then what is? The problem, I mean?"

Echo directs her eyes to me. "The problem is the fact that after we kill people around here they stand back up!"

"And turn us into them!" Raven adds.

They share a quick look and I intuitively feel that it's time to get nervous. My hand reaches out until it finds Lexa's. Our fingers lace together like silk. Her grip is firm and steady though, assuring me that whatever I'm about to hear, she's with me.

"Which is why we're here," Echo goes on. "It's Madi. She asked us to come get you. She..."

When Echo stays quiet mid-sentence I look at Raven. To my relief I finally recognize my old friend, with sympathy shining through her eyes. Averting those eyes she takes a sharp breath, before looking at me again - the anger on her face now replaced with sorrow.

"Clarke... Madi got bitten."

... ...


	16. 16 Raven

**RAVEN**

As soon as my words are out, Clarke stumbles backwards, gasping for air and vigorously shaking her head.

"No! No! No!" Her frantic eyes move rapidly between me and Echo. "Tell me she didn't-"

"I'm sorry-" Echo tries to comfort her, but she doesn't even get the chance to explain; when Clarke collapses to her knees, a gruesome cry escapes her lungs - louder than every other sound around us. Louder than I ever heard before.

Despite everything that happened between us, everything she did to me, it breaks me to see her like this. No single soul should have to go through this pain.

Aware that every second of this unmeant torture is one too many I speed towards her, with Echo right behind me. We both kneel down on the ground, close enough to make her really see us, but far enough so that Lexa, who's holding her tight and looks more protective than ever, can't lash out at us - physically that is.

"Clarke, no, wait! It's not like that. It's- Hey, look at me!" I pant, desperately trying to reach her, and relieved when her eyes finally find mine. "Madi is okay," I slowly go on, making sure she gets every word I say. "You hear me? She's sick, but-"

"What's wrong with you?!" Lexa cries out, her voice raised and her blazing green eyes spitting fire. "This is how you tell someone her child is about to die? Picking a fight, then casually mentioning that sh-"

"She's not!" I manage to interrupt her. "She's not dying!"

"Don't fool yourself! She got a bite? She dies! Just like everybody else," Lexa snarks, while pulling Clarke even closer into her arms. "You just got here. You have no clue. Or maybe by now you do, and you're just lying to yourself. But don't lie to us - to _her_. It's her kid you're talking about."

Echo shuffles closer and rests her hand on Lexa's shoulder. I wouldn't call myself a wimp, but I'm not ashamed to admit I'll never be as brave as her.

"Lexa, we're not lying. I swear. Just... try to calm down. Breathe. Take a second, both of you, and we'll try to explain."

Without checking at each other Echo and I both move backwards again, giving them some space to catch their breath. From a short distance I watch how Clarke tries to control her breathing, while Lexa gently strokes her hair, wipes away her tears and talks to her in the softest voice.

A zillion questions cross my mind.

How is she here? Both Clarke and Murphy watched her die... didn't they? Did she trick them with some macabre act? Was she never really gone? But she has hardly aged... Was she in cryo-sleep, like us?!

My biggest question though is how the young woman I'm watching right now is the same as the merciless army commander I once met on the battle field.

As soon as Clarke is able to talk again she looks at us and nods, telling us she's ready. We all move from the middle of the road to the side of it, even though I have the feeling not a lot of traffic drives by. Once seated two pair of eyes, full of expectation, meet ours again.

"The day we arrived here Diyoza got bitten," Echo starts. "Madi told us you know about that. That you were actually the one explaining to her how to handle it. How to... end it. Madi was stubborn though. She wanted to see what would happen. She did however lock her in a storage room at the Gagarin, for safety reasons. Within the next two days Diyoza got sick."

Clarke narrows her eyes. "Sick how?"

"Sweating, shivering. Everything that comes with high fevers, basically. Could have been a delirium as well," I answer, trying to paint the picture. "That's when we came up with the plan of bringing her back to the Eligius. To the lab, where we could run some tests - and hopefully find a cure. Or put her back to cryo sleep in case we had to. We - Abby, Jackson and me - left shortly after you guys did, so we learned. By that time three others were bitten as well. So we ended up back in space with four people being infected with God-knows-what."

"In the meantime people on the ground started to run into these monsters by daylight and realized what we're actually dealing with. Not just some wild animals indeed!" Echo adds.

Remembering the vivid horror stories they reported to us, my face twists. "Up in space we kept hearing these horrible examples of what would happen if we acted too late, while in the meantime Abby and Jackson didn't get any further. With all questions unanswered they had to admit that they couldn't help any of them. All they could do was putting all four of them to sleep. So we made sure to get them in those pods before they turned into... I don't even know what to calm them."

"That worked?" Lexa asks, raising her brows in marvel. "They didn't turn?"

I shake my head. "They didn't. But it didn't resolve anything either. We had no clue if we could ever wake them up, so this was hardly any better than death. Plus I was already called back to get the next victim. Imagine my shock when I got back to the ground and found out it was Madi who got a bite."

By the mention of Madi's name Clarke gulps for air again. Lexa gently strokes her back and rests her other hand on her knee. She nods at me to go on.

"I brought her up to the mothership and we prepared ourselves for the worst, especially when the fevers started. But to everyone's astonishment she stopped getting worse after a while. On the contrary, she seemed to be doing better. She _is_ doing better. Clarke, you gotta believe me, she really seems okay."

Clarke looks straight at me. The fear in her eyes is indescribable.

"Then why are you here?"

"We got worried that maybe we'd acted too hastily. That we'd misunderstood. That those bites might have caused some serious infections, hence the fevers, but had nothing to do with those gnawing creators on the ground. So we decided to wake one of them - Brell, a former Grounder. I don't know if you- doesn't matter..." I take a deep breath. "Point is, we shouldn't have... She turned before our eyes and we had no other choice than stab her brain."

"Told you," Lexa remarks with a shrug.

Clarke keeps her eyes on me. "And with all that you're still saying Madi is fine?"

"Because she sure as hell looks fine! She's healing, pretty quickly actually. I'm telling you, that kid is anything but dead!"

"So she's the one exception?" she frowns. "Why?"

"That's what we're trying to figure out. What's the difference between her and everyone else? What are the variables? A question we asked ourselves once before, as you might remember. Yet this time we came up with not one but two things. Nightblood, once again, and-"

"-the Flame," Clarke beats me to it.

"Exactly. Now it could be both, it could be neither, we don't know. But we sure as hell want to find out. Correction: _need_ to find out. Cause maybe, just maybe, this could save us all."

Lexa pulls a face. "You're here two weeks and you found a cure for human kind? I knew you space guys are cocky, but this beats everything..."

"I won't take it that far, but we found _something_. There's no denying there. We just got stuck already."

"How?" she asks.

Now I'm the one to shrug. "We can't take the next step. If we take out the Flame to try it on one of the others, we might harm Madi. Cause if it _is_ the Flame protecting her, what will happen to her when we take it away?"

"Besides, no one can bond with the Flame, since no one besides Madi is a Nightblood," Echo further explains.

Clarke exhales. She still looks beaten, though slightly less upset. "So start with the blood," she suggests.

"That's what we figured," I smile without joy, "but we can't do that either. Turned out Madi's blood is contaminated by the bite. She _does_ carry the virus - if that's what this is. It just doesn't affect her."

"Yet." Her voice is thin and fragile. "It doesn't affect her _yet_?!"

I slowly nod, not wanting to raise any false hope. Or being called a liar again.

"Abby thinks she can fix her with a full blood transfusion. That's why Madi sent us. To get you, and the others. The last part didn't make sense, but I'm starting to understand," Echo goes on, her eyes now on Lexa.

Lexa sits up, with her back straight, and her hands now back in her own lap - radiating authority without even trying. The lack of warpaint really doesn't make her any less of a commander.

"We're not Nightbloods anymore," she says.

Echo subconsciously mirrors her pose. "We?"

Clarke and Lexa exchange a brief look. When Clarke faces us again she inhales deeply and rolls her shoulders, as if tension suddenly hit her, "Well, yeah... Lexa is not the only familiar face around here."

Confused, I sit back, blink a few times as I try to wrap my head around this, then look up at Lexa again. "But I don't know any Nightblood other than you. Except..." I falter for a moment. "No, that can't be. She died."

"I died," she shrugs with a small, lopsided smile.

"That's what I believed until a few minutes ago," I scoff, "But you look very alive to me. So unless you came back from the death in a much prettier way than everyone else around here..."

"I'm sorry," Echo's voice drowns out mine, "who are we talking about?"

As I look to my side I notice she looks just as puzzled as I probably do.

Lexa and Clarke share another glance, most likely trying to decide what to do. Shaking her head, Clarke lightly shrugs. "There's no going back now," she quietly mumbles.

Lexa turns to Echo again. "Luna," she sighs, and although I was waiting to hear that name it still shocks me.

"The Floukru Nightblood!" Echo exclaims. " _That's_ who was with you when I followed you here. I knew she looked familiar!"

Lexa cocks her head, a curious look on her face. "You two met?"

"Well, we didn't exactly shake hands or anything, but yeah, I saw her once," Echo nods. "At the final Conclave. Not the finest moment for either of us, let's keep it at that."

"She got any reason to rip your throat?" Lexa questions.

"Not that I'm aware of, but I think we're about to find out."

Echo points towards two women, standing at the other side of the road, about a hundred feet behind Clarke and Lexa. I follow their gaze as they look over their shoulders, feeling slightly embarrassed that I hadn't seen them yet, while they're pretty much right in front of me.

They're observing us from the distance, seemingly at ease, which makes sense since our gathering looks more like a family picknick than a threat.

I force myself to look better. To actually look at _her_. That's when our eyes meet. Even though this isn't my first unexplainable rendez-vous today, and I already learned she'd be around, my heart still skips a beat.

Surreal. It's just... surreal.

Echo's voice right next to me makes me break my stare.

"They followed you?"

Clarke faces her, a hint of a smile on her lips. "Wouldn't be the first time!"

She turns a second time, waves at them and calls them over, before quickly glancing at us again with a sudden, more serious look in her eyes. "One more thing: Luna is Magna now. And this precious babe goes by Alicia these days. If you wanna avoid any trouble, go along with it!"

Before I can even response, Luna - or whatever her new name is - and her friend join our little group.

"You guys okay?" the unknown woman asks.

Clarke nods. "We're fine. These are Raven and Echo. They're friends of mine from back home. Raven, Echo, these are Magna and Yumiko. Also friends, but from around here."

The almost official way of introducing us tells me this Yumiko, probably together with quite some others, doesn't know about Luna's shared history with them, let alone with us.

We all stand up and I do as asked: I shake hands and share polite smiles, and do my very best not to show any recognition, curiosity and excitement. I'm feeling it though, with my pulse still racing and a huge smile trying to sneak onto my face. Standing eye to eye with my dear friend feels like a spacewalk!

"You followed us again?" Lexa asks them.

"Don't flatter yourself," Luna grins. "It wasn't till Miko needed her bow back that we noticed you were gone. That's why we started looking. For the bow, that is. But hey, it's always fun to find out how you got yourself in trouble again. Couldn't know you were having a little reunion here. What's going on?"

"They're here for me. I need to come home with them," Clarke tells her. "Won't be till tomorrow morning though. The sun is about to set. I'll ask Cyndie if they can stay for the night."

Yumiko squints her eyes. "Two more after the five of us?"

"It's just for one night," Clarke waves the issue away. "Besides, Cyndie seems to be walking on sunshine these last couple of days. I bet she can't even remember how to say no."

Easily convinced Yumiko gives her a nod. "Alright, let's go then!"

Without further questions Echo and I quickly get our stuff from the car and follow the others into the woods. Wherever we're going, we do need a place to crash.

It doesn't take long before Echo and Yumiko are deeply engaged in some conversation about archery, with Echo gushing over Yumiko's bow. Clarke and Lexa walk in front of them, leading the way, while I stay a bit behind, my leg not working with me the way I want to when we have to climb over some fallen trees.

"Hey there, stranger," Luna cheers in a soft, but exciting voice, when she suddenly pops up next to me. "Need a hand?"

She offers me her hand for support, which I gratefully accept. As soon as I'm over the barrier I let go and show her a bright smile instead. "Thank you," I grin. Then, after a swift glance to the others, estimating the hearing distance, "I can't believe you're here!"

"Honestly? Me neither. Don't even ask me about it, cause I'm afraid I can't give you any answers," she sighs. I look at her as we keep following the others. Searching for... what exactly? Proof that it's her, or proof that it isn't?

"It's really you though, isn't it? Not some distant descendant?" I ask her at last.

"It's really me," she laughs. "But also really someone else."

"Magna," I state, showing her I actually paid some attention.

"Exactly," she grins. "So how about you? Is it really you?"

To my own surprise I laugh full-heartedly. "Why wouldn't it be me?"

"I don't know. People change. Especially when life gets rough. Clarke told me some things. About Praimfaya destroying the world as predicted, and what happened after."

"She told you about me?"

She shakes her head. "Not a thing."

I wonder what she did tell her. I bet there are quite some versions of the same story, depending on the narrator.

"Well, whatever she shared with you, she's been right about life not being easy on us. But yes, I do believe I'm still me. Despite the horrors. Or even the fact that my brain got an actual upgrade - as you partly witnessed. But all of that only affected my head. In the end it's still the same heart I'm listening to."

"And such a heart you have," she smiles, and I don't feel any need to fight her on that.

Besides, we just reach a small beach that seems to be our destination. Clarke and Lexa both turn around. "You guys wait here. I go and try to get you in," Clarke says.

Luna looks at Lexa. "Go with her. We'll stay here with them."

As the two of them wander towards what looks like a gate to some kind of camp or settlement, leaving us on this strip of sand, Yumiko turns towards Luna.

"Mind if we split for a bit? We wanna shoot some arrows over there, switch bows and all."

The moment Luna returns her smile I spot a twinkle in her eyes I've never seen before. That's when I can finally pinpoint the difference I noticed, but couldn't define yet: the old Luna wasn't happy. This Luna is.

Unaware of my little epiphany she still has her eyes on Yumiko. She grins from ear to ear. "As long as that's all you're switching..."

A wink. A laugh. A kiss.

There you have it. The source of said happiness. Go Luna!

We sit down next to each other in the sand and watch Yumiko and Echo exchange their gear, before giving each other instructions and making some shots about twenty feet away from us.

"So you found someone?" I break our surprisingly peaceful silence, nudging her shoulder with mine. I turn my head to look at her, witnessing the almost endearing smile on her face as she looks from her girl to me, then back to her girl.

"I'm afraid I did," she nods, a small chuckle falling from her lips. "Would've waited for you of course, had I known we'd meet again. Too late now. My heart is sold."

I snort and shake my head.

"Idiot," I hiccup, more sheepishly than intended. As I feel my cheeks turn red I can only hope she thinks it's from laughing. She might be kidding, but they say there's a grain of truth in every joke, which in this case I think I can actually understand, maybe even relate to. Super brain or not, till this very day I've never been able to define that instant, almost spiritual connection between us.

"How 'bout you?" she pulls me out of my thoughts, "Anyone special?"

Just thinking of my man makes me beam. "I'd say so, yeah. His name is Shaw. He's a real good guy. From space... but even you would like him!"

She tilts her head. "Does he make you happy?"

It's the easiest question ever. "Yes," I nod with conviction, "he does."

"Good," she smiles, "Then I don't care where you found him."

We stay quiet for a bit, our eyes now on the horizon in front of us, with its pink and orange glow. I never hated space as much as the people around me did, but so far both planets I set foot on turned out to be even more magical.

A blissful sigh escapes my lips. "Seems like everything worked out, huh?"

"Sure does," she nods, smirking.

I shift in the sand, turning towards her.

"I'm really glad that it did. And that I got the chance to find out, before leaving again tomorrow. About you, I mean, and the fact that you're okay."

She doesn't say anything. She just watches me with a patient smile on her lips. Like she knows I'm not done yet.

"I never got the chance to tell you this, but I want you to know you meant a great deal to me," I go on. "And you still do."

"Ditto," she answers with a single nod, but that same calm smile. "It's too bad we're parting again."

"It is. But to be honest, I don't think this is our final goodbye. You know, I still have to give myself to the miracle of the sea," I lower my head, just a little bit, making sure to keep our eyes connected. "So if we ever find ourselves on yet another planet, which I'm sure we do, let's meet again. After all..." I wink, "they do say three times is a charm!"

And with that the score on making each other blush is equal again.

... ...


	17. 17 Lexa - Alicia

**LEXA | ALICIA**

I did not think this through.

When the question was raised whether to join Clarke or not, the only thing I asked myself was: am I ready to face my people again? To be me again? The short answer was no. I was not.

Yet unlike before I knew it didn't matter. It didn't matter what I wanted, or needed. Cause this wasn't about me. It was about her. I would go for her. To support her with the calamity she was about to face. Ready or not. Because I meant it. I meant it when I told her I'd die for her. It's the truth. I do anything for her. Even facing my own past. My own demons.

It's easy as that.

What I didn't realize though was that joining her to see Madi meant going into freaking space!

Now I have been in airplanes a few times, before the world went down. When I was still a toddler and Mom and Dad, who was still with us then, took me and Nick to Spain for a holiday. And years later, when Travis took all of us to meet his family in New Zealand. But this is no airplane. I don't even know what to call this. An unidentified flying object? Regardless the name, by the looks of its giant engines alone it tells me it's something that doesn't just... take off. It's going to launch us.

The thought alone makes me squeeze the edge of my seat, bracing myself for whatever comes next.

"Relax baby," Clarke tries to calm me down from the seat right next to mine. "Raven and Shaw are the best, they know what they're doing."

I glance through the window that separates us from the pilot cabin. They are preparing themselves for our flight - as I quickly decide to call it to make it sound as normal as possible - and seem quite at ease.

Turning my head I look at Clarke.

"You know this is anything but normal for literally _anyone_ who isn't Skaikru, right?"

"I know," she smiles patiently, "We took some guests before, remember? You should have seen Indra on her first launch. Pale as moonlight!"

An instant, soft chuckle escapes me. It's hard to imagine Indra scared, but I really can't blame her, considering the jumbled ball of nerves in my own belly right now.

Clarke takes my hand. "Think of your song. It's happening, you're going to live it. You're going to sail across the sun. All the way to the Milky Way..."

"...to see the lights all fade," I mumble along with her. Now I'm the one who's smiling. "You learned the lyrics? How?!"

"I asked Al," she shrugs nonchalantly, "I guessed she'd probably knew it as well. She did, though she wasn't a fan like you."

"That's because she had to listen to me sing it for years when we were making miles," I confess with a slight not-even-sorry grin.

"Yep, she mentioned that, too. I think she was just joking though, she didn't really seemed to have mind."

"Probably not, no. We're always bantering, I guess it's kind of our thing. But we're never serious. It's just our way of... killing time." Thinking back of our years on the road I stare at my hand inside of Clarke's. "...I think."

Clarke gives me a soft, playful squeeze. "You think? Did I miss anything?"

Suddenly a little uncomfortable I shift in my seat. It's not even because of her, she mostly just sounds curious. Entertained even.

"I don't know," I murmur. Is it hot in here? "Forget about it. It's stupid... and embarrassing."

"Stupid and embarrassing sound like the perfect ingredients to get your mind off all this for a second," she winks, gesturing at all the high-tech around us, and though I wish she was wrong I know she probably isn't.

A bit uneasy I clear my throat. "I just... I sometimes felt there was this... this chemistry between us. Or I thought so, I was never sure. And I didn't know how to feel about that. It confused me, obviously, because of, you know... the girl-thing. And maybe even more because although it unsettled me, I actually kind of liked it."

I glare at her from the corner of my eye, looking for some sign of understanding. I find it in her nod.

"You'd never been with a girl?" she asks with a soft smile.

I shake my head. "No. Well, at least not that I remembered!" Our eyes meet and - unable to stop ourselves - we both giggle at the same time. At moments like this it still strikes me how absurd this whole situation is. "I was hardly twenty when we met. Hormones raging, but till then only when it was about boys. I never even thought about girls. Like I said, the whole thing was confusing as hell. So I went for the easy way."

She raises her eyebrows, creasing her forehead.

"Full blown denial," I shrug.

She snorts, though with compassion, so I don't mind.

"You think it was another dot?" she asks, "The girl-thing, I mean."

My eyes drift off. "I don't know. Maybe."

We stay quiet for a few moments, my hand still in hers, before I abruptly turn towards her again.

"Nothing ever happened. I'm not even sure if there ever was anything to happen. I could've been wrong the entire time. Might as well been all in my head. And whatever the hell I thought I was feeling, it's all gone. As soon as I saw you I-"

"Lexa!" Clarke stops my rambling, "Calm down, it's okay. You had a life - between ours and this one. And you lived it. I'm glad! I'm glad you found people you care about, and who care about you." She lets go of my hand and lifts hers to my cheek, gently caressing it. "And I'm not worried for a second that you might be thinking about anyone else. I know I'm yours. It's in your eyes, every time I look into them."

I gasp, unaware till now that I was holding my breath. "I- I just want you to know that I wasn't confused. When I saw you again, I mean. Not for a second. People always talk about not messing up facts and feelings, but when it's about you, about my feelings for you, it _is_ a fact. There's no question. No counter-hypothesis. You _are_ my other half."

She leans in. "And you are _my_ other half," she sighs against my lips before kissing them, "The most cheesy, dorky other half I could wish for!"

"Shut up!" I grumble, already searching for her lips.

 _Tick tick._

"Buckle up, lovebirds!" Raven draws our attention, tapping the window. "We're off in a few minutes. Be ready!"

She turns to her pilot seat next to Shaw without waiting for our reaction - mine being subconsciously gasping for air, now that I'm reminded where we are and what we're about to do. So far for the distraction.

I watch Clarke closing the buckle in her lap. A seat belt? We're getting launched into space with just a seat belt to keep us in place?! Clarke's clear laughter makes me look up at her again.

"Don't worry," she snickers, "this is just the first one."

She pulls down a firm shoulder harness till it clicks, seemingly keeping her tight at her spot. If I wouldn't know any better I'd say she's about to take a ride at the carnival.

"Just like a rollercoaster, right?" I murmur as I follow her example.

Clarke tries to look at me, which isn't that easy anymore now that she's all locked in. "I wouldn't know, actually. I've never been in one. Only know them from Earth class. Aren't they going upside down?"

"Sometimes, yeah," I nod, while double checking the harness by trying to get out, which I can't.

"See, then this should be a walk in the park for you," she laughs. "No loopings on this ride. Nonetheless, if it helps you can still hold my hand. Although you might feel more secure holding on to the rail."

Right then the engines start to blast - sounding even louder than before, now that I'm actually inside this monstertruck from space. Shaw raises his hand, indicating we're about to take off, and Raven starts to count down over the speaker.

My hand lets go of the rail before she gets to zero, finding Clarke's without giving it a second thought. Nothing in this whole wide world, including space, can make me feel more secure than she does.

... ...

"Okay, I think I'm officially done with rollercoasters. For like... forever. Next time when you plan a trip, just take me to the zoo, or something!"

"Right, cause the last time was such a success," Clarke giggles. Unlike me she sounds completely normal.

I frown. "When did we ever go to the zoo?!"

She leans forward to look at me. "Don't tell me you forgot about Pauna!?"

"Oh right," I chuckle, "Wait, you're telling me that wasn't the perfect first date for you? Huh, I guess we need a do-over then."

Her laughing gets interrupted by the hissing sound of the shoulder harnesses moving upwards again, freeing us from their tight grip. I unclasp the buckle around my waist.

"Well, that's disappointing," I mumble.

Clarke turns in her seat to face me. She looks puzzled. "What is?"

"I'm not... going anywhere. We're in space. Aren't we supposed to float around?"

I can tell she tries to suppress another laugh, but she fails. "Sorry babe, I'm afraid we managed to have gravity up here. If you wanna experience Zero-G you have to step out. Which I wouldn't recommend."

"Are you kidding me? There's absolutely no feeling compared to getting out there," Raven cries out as she just steps into the passengers cabin. She looks over her shoulder at Shaw, who's right behind her. "Well, except being with you."

We get up and follow them towards the exit, which looks like a heavy, steel door. Raven pulls a lever, opening it with another hiss. There's a young woman waiting for us on the other side. Her lips curve as soon as she sees us. Or Clarke, to be more specific.

"Hello, old friend," she smiles. Her voice is calm, and a little husky.

"Niylah," Clarke breathes with a mirrored smile, one you save for old friends indeed, and speeds towards her for a warm embrace. "It's so good to see you again!" When she lets go again she steps aside and turns around, facing me again.

"Niylah, this is-"

"Heda!" Niylah exclaims in awe. Before I can stop her she already kneels down, her eyes on the floor between us. "It's an honor."

She's pretty. Not that I had any reason to assume she wouldn't be, but for some reason I hadn't pictured her like this. It doesn't matter to me though. Quite to my own surprise I don't feel any jealousy, or discomfort. At least not about the fact that she's shared the sheets with my girl.

"Please get up," I quietly tell her, "I'm not your Commander anymore."

She stands up without hesitation, but when her eyes meet mine I can still catch a hint of veneration and subservience.

"I.. I can not believe you're here. Even though Raven informed me, even though I'm seeing you with my own eyes, I..." She lowers her lashes again.

I take a step closer to her and rest my hand upon her upper arm, somehow hoping to... I don't know... break the spell, I guess.

"It's alright. It's confusing for me, too. But I mean it, I'm not someone to look up to, to follow or to serve. I'm just..." I fall quiet mid-sentence, as it hits me: I actually have no clue who I am anymore. I swallow. "I'm just Lexa."

Niylah looks up again. "Of course, if that's what you want. But, please, let me take this opportunity, just this one time, for all those times that you _were_ my leader, that you gave yourself for all people of Trikru, and for peace... let me say thank you for that."

I accept her praise with one single nod, realizing she's not the only one feeling gratitude. I can feel my expression soften, with the smallest smile creeping on my face. I lean in just a little.

"Thank _you_. For being there for Clarke, when I... couldn't."

Now she's the one to nod - an unspoken, shared feeling of respect and understanding between us, before taking a step back and looking at Clarke again.

"Let me take you to Madi. She's waiting for you."

We both follow her through a corridor which already tells me how big this place must be. We stop in front of a door that says 'Clinic'.

"Why is she still in here?" Clarke asks, her voice suddenly filled with worry. "Raven said she was doing fine."

"She was," Niylah nods. "She recovered. But then the fevers came back. Maybe because of the infected blood, we don't know."

"She's still her though, is she?" Clarke goes on, her lip now trembling. "Sh- She..."

I take a step closer and wrap my arm around her. "She didn't turn, did she?"

Niylah shakes her head. "No. No, she didn't. But she's afraid she might. So she asked us to chain her."

Clarke's head shoots up. "You chained her?!"

"Only because she made us," Niylah quietly admits, before she looks at me with apologies in her eyes. "She's our Heda now."

"I know," I nod, "And I know about the power that comes with that. The Flame can be very convincing. And it can also protect you from a lot of things - maybe even from this. But it doesn't protect you from fear. She may be your Commander now, but she's also just a kid."

I pull Clarke a little closer against me, before I step forward, to the door.

"She doesn't need chains," I go on, not waiting any longer to open it, "She needs her mom."

... ...


	18. 18 Clarke

**CLARKE**

The second the door opens before me, revealing what's behind it, I impatiently step inside. There she is, lying on the examination table, with her eyes closed and her wrists and ankles strapped down.

My Madi.

I sprint towards her and start pulling the chains with a force from within I never experienced before. Rage and despair take over, making me blind for anything else around me. All I see is Madi, looking so small and innocent, yet shackled like an animal. She blinks, slowly opening her eyes, until her gaze meets mine.

"Clarke, no, don't," she murmurs, her voice fragile at first, but quickly gaining strength. "Leave them."

"There's no way in hell!" I mutter. My eyes are already back on the chains, as I keep fervidly twisting and pulling them without success.

"Stop!" she tries again, "Please! I'm a hazard."

I shake my head, my teeth deeply sunken in my bottom lip. "You're not, you hear me? You're not like any of them. I won't accept that. I'm not-"

"Clarke, you're hurting me!"

My hands freeze and I stare at them. What am I doing? These chains are made of steel! I exhale, releasing the air I was holding, and look at her again. My hand cups her cheek, gentle now, my thumb brushing her clammy skin.

"I'm sorry," I pant, slightly out of breath.

Madi averts her eyes. "I'm sorry, too."

"For what?" I frown.

"For getting in trouble," she mumbles, drawing another sigh from me.

"Oh, honey..."

"You warned me about them," she concedes, her gaze still stuck on her feet. "And I'd seen them, too. Growling and grasping and savaging, coming towards us with their jaws already open. But these ones were different."

"How?"

"They were... calm, I guess. They were just standing there. Their heads bowed, almost dangling. Their bodies slumped, with their arms just hanging there. They didn't seem dangerous, they were more like... like sleepwalkers."

I grimace at the comparison, quietly moaning, "Yeah, hungry sleepwalkers."

"I thought we could pass them," she goes on. When her eyes finally find mine again I can feel her jaw clench underneath my touch. "I misjudged. I brought our people in danger by underestimating the enemy, and when Murphy got attacked-"

"Wait, Murphy got attacked? I thought you did?"

She shakes her head, slowly and with some effort, telling me she feels much weaker than she wants me to believe. "No, it was Murphy. He got pushed over and jumped on. I just came in between."

"You _just_ -" I gasp, my eyes widening in astonishment. "Madi, you can't just... What were you thinking?!"

"I wasn't. I was doing. Doing what needed to be done. A Commander doesn't stand and watch. A Commander fights."

I turn around, my eyes finding Lexa's right away. "That freaking Flame," I grumble between my teeth, "I swear to God-"

"Shhh," she hushes me, "Not now, Clarke. She won't hear you. Here, unchain her."

She hands me a small key that Niylah must have given to her. I take a deep breath, swallow and turn towards Madi again. "Don't fight me on this," I tell her in a stern voice, and she doesn't. As soon as her wrists are freed she sits up and embraces me.

"Please don't be mad," she breathes into my hair.

I pull her in even closer. "I'm not mad," I sigh. "I'm just worried. I'm so damn worried, Madi. I- I can't lose you, okay? I can't stop you from being the Commander, but that _thing_ -"

I fall quiet when I feel the light touch of Lexa's hand on my shoulder. I swallow again, then finish my sentence by pressing a kiss on Madi's cheekbone. I let go of her, a little reluctant, and force myself to smile.

"There's someone I like you to meet."

As I take a small step aside Madi's eyes focus on Lexa, who just now appears in her field of vision. They widen, an expression of awe transforming her face. Opening her mouth she lets out a breathless gasp.

"Lexa?!"

"Hi Madi," Lexa softly smiles at her, taking a seat on the edge of the table.

Madi keeps staring at her, searching for words. "Y- You've got to tell me," she stammers at last. Stretching her hand she lets her fingertips slide across Lexa's face, like a blind person trying to catch someone's features. "Tell me!"

Except for my charcoal drawings Madi has never seen Lexa. I know she's heard her though. For Madi, the sound of Lexa's voice is the ultimate prove. And Lexa knows it, too.

"It's me, Madi. It's really me. I'm not in your head anymore," she says, her smile now growing into a goofy, lopsided grin. "At least I hope not. Wouldn't want you to listen to me in stereo!"

A weak but merry laugh bursts from Madi's lips. "Don't worry, you're not. I haven't heard any of the Commander's voices since waking up from cryo-sleep."

"Well, I'm glad," Lexa smiles again as she helps Madi adjust the table, so she can sit up against her pillow. "I know how annoying they can get."

"All but one," Madi smirks, quickly glancing at me for a second. I chuckle and shake my head, but her focus is already back on Lexa, who rests her hand on Madi's knee. Her smile has vanished, but her voice is still soft and warm.

"How are you doing, _ai strik heda_? Are you in any pain?"

Madi shakes her head again and lifts her arm a bit, showing us the bandage that's hiding the bite. "Abby cleaned the wound and gave me some painkillers. I'm just feeling sleepy. Like that time I had the flu." She looks at me, then back at Lexa, then turns her face away, staring at her feet again. "I'm scared, though."

Lexa moves her hand, taking Madi's into her own. Remarkably, she doesn't retract. Even though Madi has grown more affectionate over the years, she always stayed somewhat reserved - vigilant even - when it comes to strangers. Yet Lexa's touch doesn't seem to disturb her. On the contrary, it seems to calm her down.

Their eyes meet again.

"You think you're not allowed to be scared?" Lexa quietly asks her. "Because you're the Commander?"

Madi blinks. "Were you ever?"

" _All_ the time!" Lexa exclaims, throwing her head back dramatically.

"But you're a warrior?! You fought guys twice your size!"

The corner of Lexa's lips twists into that well-known, subtle smile of hers.

"Oh, I wasn't scared of them. I was scared of the responsibility. Of failing my people. Of losing the people I cared about, and with that of caring at all. Feelings are scary. They make you vulnerable." She looks up at me, her smile still lingering on her face, warming my heart as it always does. "But they also tell you there are things worth fighting for."

Facing Madi again, she leans in to continue in a more secretive tone, "Also I had to run for a giant gorilla once. Don't tell anyone, but I came this close to shitting my pants right there!"

Despite my worries a smile sneaks on my face. Watching how Lexa makes Madi laugh, how she makes her feel better with such ease, it leaves me speechless. Lexa, on the other hand, knows exactly what to say.

"It's okay to be a little scared sometimes," she goes on, softly squeezing Madi's hand, "For others, or for yourself. But you know what? I don't think you need to be this time. I think you'll be okay."

"What makes you so sure?" I finally speak up. "When Raven told you about the recovery-"

"I guess I needed to see it with my own eyes," she cuts me off. She takes my hand with her free one, connecting us all, then looks at Madi again. "You know I've been around here for a while, right? That I'm... not just Lexa. I was born here before the world as I knew it went down. I've seen it happening. I've seen people getting sick, before they turned. You don't look like them. You're ill, and you need help, but Clarke is right: you're not one of them."

"So what am I?" Madi asks.

Lexa raises her shoulders. "A miracle?"

I let go of Lexa's hand and take a seat right behind her on the table, my arms wrapped around her and my chin lightly resting on her shoulder. "That we already knew," I can't help but smile.

"And what are they?" Madi goes on, eager for anything that Lexa can tell her.

"Who knows," Lexa shrugs again, "They go with many different names. We used to call them Infected. I heard people call them Biters and Roamers as well. These days we mostly go with Walkers."

"And they are dead? You're sure about that?"

Lexa stays quiet for a second, as if she needs to give it some thought. Which surprises me, since I thought this was pretty clear.

"We have to believe that they are," she nods after all, "To be able to deal with them, to... get rid of them without any emotion. Cause the thought that there _might_ still be someone in there, held hostage by whatever is taking over..." She lets her voice drift off before starting up again. "I mean, yeah, they are most probably dead."

"You're saying there's no scientific proof?" I ask, cocking my head so I can see her.

"Not that I know of," she answers, turning slightly towards me. "But it's a big world. With way more people around than on our former planet. At least before the infection hit. So far I've never heard anything about research though, let alone about a cure."

Madi coughs and shifts in her seat, drawing our attention again. "Abby started to look into it," she says, "She wants to know what we're dealing with. Her hypothesis was either a virus or a bacterium. But then she cut Brell's brain out and put it under a microscope, and after that she didn't know what to think anymore."

I raise my brows. "What did she see?"

"I don't know exactly, she didn't show me. She just told me it looked like something was starting to grow, from inside the brain."

"Like a fungus?" Lexa questions.

Madi looks pensive. "No, I don't think so. It sounded more like some kind of roots. Clarke, remember when we cut off those branches and put them in jars with water, back home in Shallow Valley? To grow more plants? After a week or so we could see all those thin, white threads. Abby's description reminded me of that, although the outgrowth sounded way shorter."

"Might look different on someone who turned ages ago," Lexa remarks.

"That's what Abby thinks, and why she wants to find one of those. Which shouldn't be too hard," Madi nods. "I know it's not on top of her list though. That spot is clearly for me."

"As it should be," I tell her while standing up. We've waited long enough, and although I can tell how seeing us is giving her a boost for this moment, it's also very clear to me that she's becoming more pale every minute.

I turn around to look at Niylah, who's been waiting patiently by the door since we got here. Some might think it's because she's taking care of Madi. Some might think it's because she's my friend. But I know that, despite her promise, she's there waiting for instructions, maybe even orders, from Lexa.

"Can you get Abby and Jackson, please?" I ask her, "We're ready for the blood transfusion."

She just nods and leaves us alone without further questions. Madi's voice behind me makes me quickly turn back.

"Will this give us any answers?" she questions out loud. "About me, and why I'm... different?"

I put my hand on her hair, stroking it gently. "I don't know, honey. And right now, I honestly don't care. I just want you to get better."

Lexa jumps up as well, but instead of staying with us she starts pacing around the room. Her mind seems elsewhere.

"Everything okay?" I warily check, suddenly afraid she changed her mind about Madi's condition.

She comes to a stop, but doesn't look up, as she's still distracted by whatever is going on in her head. "Y-Yeah," she murmurs. "I'm just thinking about the science. Not the pathology part Abby is doing, and who knows who else is, but..."

Her gaze moves to Madi.

"If the answer is with you, if the Flame _does_ have anything to do with you, and the fact that you're the exception, then we're talking science beyond their knowledge. Abby can try all she wants, but she won't be able to crack those codes. Raven might understand some of it, but only if someone helps explaining it to her first. Someone who actually-"

"-designed it," Madi nods, comprehending.

I look from one to the other. "Am I wrong or are we suddenly talking about Becca?"

Lexa starts moving again, stepping closer to me and taking me by my shoulders. "Don't you see? Becca might be the answer to this whole thing!"

"That would be a first," I groan. "Also, she died, remember?"

"I do," Lexa nods, her eyes piercing into mine, and her fingers clenching around my shoulders, "But she didn't _just_ die. She died a Nightblood."

I narrow my eyes. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying she might be out there. I'm saying that if the transfusion works, if either the Flame or the blood really seem to make a difference, then Becca might be the key. And we should look for her."

... ...


	19. 19 Lexa - Alicia

**LEXA | ALICIA**

I'm insane.

That's the last thing she said to me, right before Abby and Jackson walked in to start the blood transfusion. After they told us Clarke's procedure would take at least an hour she sent me away to get some rest - ignoring my heavy objections, and putting our conversation on hold.

I wasn't in for a nap though. Which is why I started wandering around, getting a bit more familiar with this strange new surrounding. Why I'm strolling down one of the many corridors as we speak, letting my fingers glide over the cool steel that forms the walls.

It surprises me how every hallway, every room, every corner looks this futuristic, despite being age-old. Yet ancient or not, the gigantic spaceship does match the imagination of someone who grew up with astronaut stories and sci-fi movies. Nevertheless, walking around here feels extremely surreal, and I try to imagine how I would have experienced this trip if I still had been _just_ Lexa. I can't, and I give up trying when I happen to find a bathroom with an actual shower, which is screaming my name.

The hot, running water makes me forget about my tired bones, and even my need to be alert all the time, but can't rinse off Clarke's words. Is she right?

Not much later I return to the clinic, cleaner than I ever thought possible and feeling close to reborn (once again). They're still busy with Madi, but Jackson tells me Clarke is ready and I can see her. He points me to the recovery room three doors down.

After a soft knock I open the only barrier that separates us - except for some ideas about our future, apparently - and step inside the dimly lit room. I close the door behind me. Clarke is alone, awake, and by the looks of it - though somewhat pale - unscathed.

"Hey gorgeous," I smile, swiftly walking up to her. Without giving it a second thought I climb onto her bed and lay down next to her, nestling my head in the crook of her neck.

"Mmm," she hums, "You smell good."

The memory alone is enough to make me beam from ear to ear. "I had a shower. A bubbly, steaming shower. The first one I had in... I can't even remember!"

She buries her nose in my hair, which is still damp, and presses down a soft kiss. "The first one you had in space," she murmurs.

"That too," I chortle, "Though that basically counts for pretty much everything up here." Brushing my thumb over the band-aid on her arm I tilt my head and look up at her, no longer laughing. "How are you feeling?"

"I've been worse," she answers, her bright eyes locking mine, "They sure got my head spinning though!"

I show her a compassionate smile. "I can bring you cookies?"

"I don't want cookies," she says with a soft but determined voice, while her hand slowly moves up, her fingernails faintly scratching the bare skin of my arm. I narrow my eyes, questioning.

"Then what do you want?"

As her hand finds the back of my neck one corner of her mouth quirks up. "You," she simply states. She leans in, about to connect our lips, but I manage to pull back.

"What are you doing? You just donated a gallon of blood!"

"So?" she shrugs with a teasing smug on her face, not to mention a pretty irresistible sparkle in her eyes.

"So?!" I echo bewildered, "I bet you can't even walk!"

She wiggles her brows. "I'm not planning on walking. I just want to make your head spin a little, too." Shuffling down on the bed she's suddenly eye to eye with me; our foreheads almost touching and her warm breath hitting mine. Her voice drops a notch. "You look so hot when you're wet."

She lets her lips graze against mine, softly and excruciatingly slow. They're trembling. Or is that me?

"Clarke," I mutter, my voice nothing more than a whimper, and betraying me big time. I'm so gonna lose this.

"I just want to be close to you," she breathes, "We're hardly ever alone. I won't go crazy, I promise."

She seeks for my lips again, but I turn my head, avoiding her kiss. "St- Stop," I stammer with my last willpower, "Someone could walk in!"

Gently cradling my jaw she makes me look at her again. "I'll be quick, I swea-"

I cut her off by capturing her lips in a searing kiss, wet and hungry, and probably stupid. But I don't care. Not anymore. She wants to take my breath away? To steal the last air out of my lungs, and the body that comes with it? It's fine. It's all hers. I'm all hers.

As long as it's right now.

With our lips crashing and our tongues twirled around each other I brusquely grab her hand that's now tangled in my hair and direct it down to the waistband of my jeans. A short giggle escapes our lips as we both fumble impatiently with the button to get it open, but we're done laughing as soon as her hand slips into my panties - making me gasp as it grazes over my most sensitive spot.

Using my arousal her slippery fingers slowly slide up and down, before they start to rub me in a rhythmic, circular motion. I squirm against them, unable to stop myself. The sigh I let out is followed by a deep moan, and it doesn't take long before I feel the pressure building inside me.

With our faces this close to each other all I can see are Clarke's darkened, lusty eyes. She draws her lips along my cheek, to my ear.

"Still want me to stop?" she pants, hot air caressing my neck and making me quiver.

"Don't-" I squeak with my last few breaths, "Don't you dare!"

She doesn't.

With her mouth already back on mine she keeps stroking me until it all becomes too much. Until my toes curl, my body shakes and jolts, and bright colors appear behind my lids.

Until for a brief moment I'm no longer here...

My heart still races when I blink and slowly open my eyes. Clarke is looking at me, a sheepish grin dawning on her face.

"Hi," she quietly breaks our silence.

"Hi," I smile blissfully as I drown myself in the blue of her eyes - speechless by so much beauty.

She softly brushes a few strands of hair off my forehead. "What are you thinking?"

My smile grows wider. "I'm thinking I might need another shower," I chuckle, drawing a loud laugh from her.

"Baby, you can have all the showers in the world... as long as I can join you," she smirks.

I raise my hand to caress her face. "How about you? I mean, are you-"

"I'm fine," she says, still smiling. "I told you I wouldn't go crazy. I'll save that for the shower." She winks playfully, kisses the palm of my hand, then rolls over to lay on her back. I crawl closer and lay my head on her shoulder.

"Talking about crazy," I circle back to earlier today, "do you... do you really think I am insane?"

Clarke takes my hand, our fingers mindlessly sliding together in a slow, feather-light dance.

"About Becca?" she asks. "No, I don't. I think you're right. I think she could be of great value. Maybe even save the world this time, instead of destroying it. But about trying to find her? Yeah, I'm sorry, but I believe that's nuts."

"So what if it is? What if we acknowledge it's nuts, and dive into that haystack anyway? Have you never searched for a needle?!"

"Sure I have," she sighs, "but those needles were still, in fact, needles. Who knows what became of Becca?"

I inhale deeply and hold my breath for a second. "I know. I _know_. It's the same as with Luna's brother. She could be twelve, she could be a hundred. She could as well be dead! But we also found Aden-"

"We didn't find Aden," she corrects me, "Aden found you. _He_ recognized _you_. Even if we would ran into Becca she wouldn't know who we are."

"You don't believe either of us ever made that kind of an impression on her?" It's not a real question. I know the answer. I just don't like it.

Clarke throws her hand in the air, dragging mine along with it. "Neither of us ever met her!"

I prop up on my elbow and look down on her. "You did though. In the City of Lights."

She exhales, slowly, and rubs her eyes. "I'm sorry, Lex," she mumbles, seemingly struggling with whatever she's going to say. "I don't think that was her. I- I don't think that was real."

I blankly stare at her. "What do you mean?"

Breaking our gaze she looks at our hands, resting in her lap again and with our fingers still entwined. "I don't know. I just... How could it have been? I was in Polis, fighting for my life."

"Physically!" I cry out, louder than I want to. "Your body was in Polis. Your consciousness - the _actual_ you - was in the City. With me! Or... or don't you believe that either?"

She swallows. "I don't know," she says again, her voice thin and full of doubt. "How do I know?"

I push myself further up till I sit up straight. "Because I'm telling you! Because I know for sure _I_ was there, by your side, and because we're sharing the same memories about it," I rant. "Clarke, look at me. It was real, okay. It _has_ to be!"

Her eyes find mine again. "Why?"

"Because..." Suddenly overtaken by emotions my throat closes up, and I can feel tears well up in my eyes. Trying to blink them away I take a deep breath. "Because that's where you told me you loved me."

To my relief she doesn't tell me wrong. In fact she doesn't say anything at all. She just lightly squeezes my hand, encouraging me to go on. Which I do.

"And- And even though you pulled the switch like three minutes later, erasing everything, including my memory, those words meant the world to me. And I truly believe they stuck with me, even without me remembering them. I believe I took them with me into that void, and even into this new life. Buried deeply in my... my newborn soul."

I draw in another shaking breath, forcing myself to go on. "I stopped believing in a lot of things, learning half of it is just high-tech engineering. And you know what, I don't even care. But this, this I believe. This, I need to be real."

Clarke lifts her hand and gently wipes away the single tear that got through. "Okay," she nods, before craning upwards and lightly kissing me on the lips. "Okay."

I lay down again, resting my head on her chest, and she wraps her arms around me in a tight embrace. We stay like that for a little while. I would never have guessed a spaceship would offer such quietness and serenity. But it does, and I'm glad for it, even though in the end I'm also the one breaking it.

"I know you're right," I softly speak up. "I know it's impossible. And silly. It's just... for the very first time since my life, _this_ life, shattered around me, since I lost literally everything and everyone, I feel like there actually might be a way out. A fix. And letting go of a chance like that, maybe the only one we ever get, without even trying... it's just frustrating."

She traces the line of the heart-shaped drawing on my arm. "I get that," she says, "I really do. But chasing a ghost, with the chance of finding her being close to zero, while the life we could actually have passes by in the meantime-"

"But that's the thing, it wouldn't be a life!" I blurt out. "How can it be? With danger around every corner, in every encounter? With death lurking everywhere - even in the arms of a loved one, who just might peacefully die in their sleep. The truth is, we're not so different from those Walkers. We're not really living either. If anything, we're just surviving."

Her chest moves underneath me as she heaves a heavy sigh. "It just always comes down to that, doesn't it?"

I look up at her through my lashes. "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to convince you. Or bum you out. I guess I just hate that we have to go back to that hopeless place, where the only possible solution to make things better is an impossible one." I lower my face again, my cheek flat on her chest. She starts running her fingers through my hair. "Maybe we should just stay up here?" I hum, drawing an unexpected snort from her.

"I think that hot steam went to your head a little!"

"I'm serious, I like it up here," I go on unabated, "It's peaceful. And safe. Why shouldn't we choose that? A life where we don't have to look over our shoulders all the time."

"You'd die from boredom within a month," she chuckles, "if the algea won't kill you before that!"

"You don't know that!" I abruptly sit up again and turn away from her, about to jump off the bed, yet she stops me by taking my arm.

"No, no, no! No more pacing around! Come here, listen to me," she shushes.

I sigh and face her.

"You're right, I don't know everything about life down there. But I know what life up here would bring us, and it ain't happiness. It ain't anything, actually. Just a whole lot of nothing. And we deserve so much more than nothing."

I nod, knowing she's right - again.

"We're not giving up on this," she continues, gesturing at the medical equipment around her. "The Flame with all its coding might be too complicated, but we still got the blood. We still got something to work with. And we're not giving up on the world down there either. So far I've seen nothing we can't handle. And whoever, or whatever, is telling us we can't _live_ there, well, we're just going to prove them wrong. You and me, and Madi. Together. Okay?"

She cocks her head, her eyes wide and gazing into mine, and the hint of her lopsided grin on her lips. I shake my head and drop my shoulders. What else can I do other than mirror that smile?

"We're going to get healthy, and strong. And then we're going to build a life," she goes on. "A scary one, maybe, that comes with battles and dangers we don't even know about yet, but also a full one. With people who matter. With laughter, and love."

A heartfelt chuckle escapes my lips. " _So_ much love," I nod.

"So much love!" she nods as well. "And we're gonna grow old and grey, you and me. And then, when that night comes, and we're ready to leave it all behind, we'll do it together, too. Cause I'm telling you this baby: no matter where we are, and what might happen, I will always, _always_ , sleep in your arms."

... ...


	20. 20 Madi

**MADI**

"Clarke, I feel fine! Really!" I tell her for what feels like the hundredth time.

She leans in closer, her face now only an inch away from mine.

"I don't know," she murmurs as she looks deep into my eyes, "Maybe we should run one more test."

It's Abby who comes to my rescue. She takes Clarke by the shoulders and gently pulls her backwards again. "Honey, it's been two days. Two days without any fevers, or any other signs. She eats, sleeps, talks and walks just like before. She really is okay."

Clarke exhales, gives me one last once-over and turns around to face the others; her mother, Jackson, Raven and Lexa.

Lexa. I still can't believe she's really here. It all feels so surreal, yet at the same time so weirdly natural.

"So it works?" Clarke goes on, preventing my thoughts from drifting off any further. "We can use nightblood as a cure?"

"Not exactly," Abby answers, shaking her head. "I mean, yes, it seems to have cured Madi, but we also used some of your blood on Crockett, before waking him up. Let's just say that didn't go well."

"He woke up dead?" Clarke asks.

"If that's what we call it, then yes," Abby nods, "It was like the Brell-situation all over again."

"That's because he wasn't a Nightblood to begin with," I speak up, making them all look at me. "That's the difference between him and me, right? To him, the blood wasn't more than some kind of injected cough syrup."

With a pensive look on her face Abby slowly nods again. "That would be my theory. I reckon the result might have been different if we'd turned him into an actual Nightblood before the transfusion."

"It still wouldn't have been the same though," Raven ponders, "Madi was not only a Nightblood before the transfusion, she was a Nightblood before she got bitten. And we know that made a difference already. She never got ill like the others in the first place. So there's no way in telling that making him a Nightblood _after_ the bite would have saved him, with or without the transfusion."

"Well, there's one way in finding out, isn't there?" Abby proposes, as she looks from one to the other. Her voice is steady, but there's something in her eyes that tells me she knows quite well her proposition might cross some lines.

Clarke takes a step towards her, frowning. "This isn't Mount Weather, Mom."

"Or Becca's lab!" Raven adds, "Abby, I thought we were past this?!"

"No, no, we are," Abby quickly tries to clarify herself, "I'm not talking about harming anyone. It's just... we do have three more people in cryo. Three people with bites, who I believe have nothing more to lose. In a way, it's even giving them a chance."

Raven throws her head back, laughing scornfully. "You're saying that now. But what if it doesn't work, because of the post-bite factor? You wanna pick someone healthy? Deliberately send a fresh Nightblood into the arms - sorry: teeth! - of a whatsitcalled?"

"Walker," Lexa mumbles, which makes Raven roll her eyes, and me instantly curious about their history. Apparently I'm the only one though.

"Raven, I- I don't know, okay?" Abby sighs. "I hope we never even have to think about that. I hope the next one we wake up doesn't end up with a knife in their brain, I honestly do. But I do want to find out at least that, and I hope you guys are with me, cause I do need all of you for this."

Her eyes wander from Clarke to me to Jackson and Lexa, till they linger on Raven again.

For a moment they keep staring at each other, in complete silence. Then Raven drops her shoulders. Her deep exhale sounds like a surrender. "You want me to take another spacewalk, don't you? To create the serum?"

Abby offers her a grateful smile, relieved that they seem to be on the same page again. "I do, but I'm afraid there's nothing to work with anymore. We no longer have the chemicals we need for it. Which means we can't create it ourselves."

"We could use bone marrow," Jackson suggests, "Now that Madi seems healthy again-"

"No!" Clarke cries out before he can finish, startling everyone, "No way!"

I sit up straight and dangle my legs down the bed. "Clarke, it's okay, I don't mind."

"But I do!" she goes on, her eyes wide and her voice still raised. "We're not experimenting on you, or using you in any other way. You hear me? I don't want to see another needle near your body!" She turns to Abby again. "Use mine instead."

Jackson coughs in his fist, somewhat uncomfortable. "You're no original Nightblood. Don't you think-"

"I don't care," she cuts him off again, her eyes still on Abby. "It's either this, or nothing at all."

Abby knows her daughter well enough. Taking a deep breath she nods, bobbing her head towards the door. "Alright then, let's go!"

While Jackson and Raven already follow her into the hallway, Clarke turns to Lexa, who steps towards her and rests her hand on her shoulder. "It's okay," she smiles before Clarke's words are out, "I'll stay with Madi. She's in good hands, just like you."

Their moment is brief, as Clarke is been waited on, but to me it's long enough - long enough to know that I made the right decision before. I might be young, and I'm definitely inexperienced when it comes to matters of the heart, but I'm sure that belonging together looks like this.

When Clarke closes the door behind her Lexa looks at me again. "Some peace at last," she winks.

I jiggle my foot. "You know it should've been me, right? It's my people in those cryo-chambers, and my job to... step-up."

"She means well," Lexa shushes me with a tender smile.

"I know," I grumble, sighing, "but will she _ever_ stop treating me like a kid?"

Lexa shakes her head. "Nope," she chuckles, the playful grin on her lips growing wider, "She's not supposed to. Worrying is in a mother's job description."

"Your mom is the same?"

"She sure was... just not about me."

Her smile vanishes - briefly, but long enough for me to notice. Should I not have asked? I don't get the chance to find out. Before I can apologize for bringing it up she continues, quietly, and with her mind seemingly elsewhere.

"His name was Nick. He was my brother, and he was... troubled. I mean, I loved him - a lot! - but he was very problematic and self-destructive. We all worried about him, but at a certain point we also learned to let go. Except for my mom. She never stopped trying to protect him. Or save him."

She blinks and focuses on me again. "Being Nick's mom she did what she had to do. But because of that she often forgot she was my mom, too."

"And you needed her just as much," I quietly gather out loud.

"Of course I did," she shrugs. "See, you want Clarke to have faith in you. And I admit, it's great to know that your parents believe in you. That they acknowledge your strength and your insights. And that they trust, without any doubt, that you'll be okay. But sometimes it's nice to have them a little worried as well. No matter how old you are."

I nod understandingly. There's no need to argue, as I know that she's right. Clarke cares. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Lexa takes a seat next to me on the edge of the bed. She tilts her head to look at me, while more memories bring a small smile to her lips.

"Now of course, when my mom finally did start to worry, I didn't exactly thank her either. Maybe because I wasn't used to it, or maybe because it's just a natural mother-daughter thing. It was easy to act annoyed towards her. Save. Cause in the end, she's... she's Mom. And she won't go anywhere. She'll always be around." She swallows, before continuing, "Until she won't..."

"What happened to her?" I ask, my voice even lower than before.

She stays quiet for a moment, then heaves a deep, shaky sigh. "She did what she was born to do. She saved us. Not just Nick, but the both of us."

I narrow my eyes. "She died, didn't she?"

She slowly nods, with sadness lingering on her face. "Yes."

"I'm really sorry," I sigh, and then, without giving it a second thought, "My mom died too. My real mom, I mean. Just like my dad."

Lexa's eyes light up. "You remember them?"

"I do," I whisper, hardly audible as I'm biting my lips.

She rests her hand on top of mine. "You wanna tell me about them?"

I stare at her fingers. Her touch is light as a feather and yet giving me exactly what I need: the strength to go on. Which I do.

"My family is originally from _Louwoda Kliron_ ," I start a little unsure, my eyes now fixated on my lap, "but we left the Valley shortly after I was born." I peek up at her through my lashes. "Ironically to get away from you." Relieved that my parents' disobedience doesn't seem to upset her in any way I exhale and sit up more straight. Closing my eyes for a second I allow the stored images from a far past back into my mind.

"When my parents found out I was a Natblinda they decided to hide me from the world, as that was the only way to protect me. So we lived far away, deep in the woods, just the three of us. I remember our life as very simple, yet full of love. But it wasn't always safe out there, or easy, which is why my parents made sure to teach me as many survival skills as they could, from the moment I could barely walk." I look at her again. "In the end it wasn't your army that came for us, nor the wild animals that lived in our backyard. It was the Death Wave. It killed them, as it killed everyone else. Except me."

"And Clarke," she smiles, raising her brows.

I can't help but mirror her smile. "Yes, and Clarke. But we didn't meet till months later. And I'm sure that would never have happened at all if it wasn't for those skills. I would not have survived on my own if these two people had not been my parents."

Lexa shifts on her spot, pulling up one leg while the other one still dangles over the edge. "You know, they sound like the only Grounders who actually got it - besides Luna, maybe. They got it, and they saved you because of it. I would say I would have loved to meet them, but of course we both know it's a good thing that I didn't - not back then."

Suddenly we both chuckle, realizing how weird things are, or could have been. Would I have loved her if I were a novitiate, as apparently everyone else had? Or would I have lead her into some bear-trap at some moment, refusing to forget about my family. There's simply no telling.

"How about you," I ask her instead, "Do you remember your family - Lexa's family, I mean?"

She shakes her head. "Sadly, I don't," she sighs, "Like you said, Nightbloods weren't supposed to grow up with their family. I was no exception. According to the law they came to claim me on my third birthday. As far as I know my family didn't resist, and with that, they got to live on. They were clearly less brave than your folks, though I really can't blame them."

I turn towards her, until we're face to face. "You must have felt so alone."

Another hint of sadness crosses her face, but she doesn't avert her eyes this time. "Sometimes, yes. But I wasn't completely alone. Just like you I found myself a new family, more than one actually. The other Nightbloods, the ones in my conclave as well as the little ones that followed, they were like my brothers and sisters. And then there was Costia..."

She doesn't finish her sentence. Instead a startled gasp escapes her.

And I know why.

I've seen it. I've witnessed it in the dreams that showed me the memories of the former Commanders. In the nightmares that have tortured me since the day I carry the Flame. When it comes to horror they are difficult to rank, but besides the atrocious flashbacks leading to Becca's death, there's one that always stands out: the moment the package from _Azkeda_ arrives... and is opened by the one person who shouldn't, since she's the one who loves her most.

Knowing that to her this wasn't just a nightmare, that she actually _lived_ it, I completely understand that the story ends here. There are moments in life you should just never have to go back to.

Lost in our thoughts we've both fallen quiet, until Lexa promptly grabs my hand and makes me jump off the bed with her. "Come on," she forces a grin, "Let's go for a stroll. I'm sure you're done with this room by now!"

I follow her to the door and into the corridor. As soon as I'm next to her she quickly glances at me, still smiling. "I did some exploring on my first day here, and I found something I want to show you. That is if I can find it again, since everything looks the same around here."

We turn from one corridor into another, one that indeed looks a lot alike. The next one isn't much different either. We carry on in silence, until we reach a large, open space.

"There!" Lexa cries out, pointing at the huge window at the far back.

We cross the room till we reach the window, which covers almost an entire wall. From afar it didn't show anything else than the black sky outside, but standing right in front of it, it shows a whole lot more. We're now able to look down. And there it is.

The world at my feet.

As I gaze down on it a speechless 'wow' falls of my lips. The view is absolutely stunning.

Out of words we watch the bright, blue planet on the other side of the window. A planet still full of life, despite what's happening to it. I wonder if there's a place like Shallow Valley somewhere, a place that I can call home again. It doesn't even have to look the same, as it weren't the walls that made the home. It was the people. Mom and Dad in our secret hide out in the woods, and Clarke in our own little universe in the Valley.

I try to picture it, living like that again, with Clarke, and - maybe, hopefully - with Lexa too. But I can't. Cause every time I try, a little voice in my head tells me there are about three hundred people waiting for me to lead them to... who knows where!

I look down again, at that beautiful world out there. Dangerous, obviously, but most of all beautiful. And full of opportunities.

Just not for me.

Sighing wearily, I lower myself to sit on the floor. Lexa looks at me, then follows my example, except for the fact that she turns around to sit with her back against the window. She keeps watching me, patiently, but doesn't say anything.

"My parents risked everything, even their lives, to spare me from the Conclave. To make sure I could live my life in freedom," I break our silence, not really sure where I'm going with this, but feeling once again how easy it is to talk to her. "Clarke despises the Flame. The only reason she didn't destroy it when she got the chance, was... well, the fear of losing you. And I- I..."

When the words get stuck in my throat she gives me an encouraging nod. I let out a harsh breath.

"...I hate being the Commander!"

I hardly dare to look at her, but I do it anyway, and to my surprise I don't see disapproval, just the hint of a smile.

"Then don't be," she lightly shrugs.

"And leave them like that? I can't!" I cry out. "Hell will break loose. I can't walk away before there's a proper solution. I just can't think of anything, especially since I feel like I'm not guided anymore. You were right, those voices could be annoying, but I needed them too. Lexa, I can't do this alone!"

"I know," she nods. Her smile is gone, but to my relief she still doesn't seem angry, or disappointed. Just... concerned, maybe? "I know it's a lot. And I know it's not fair to make you bear it. So I think you shouldn't any more."

"You're not listening," I pant, "Without a Commander-"

"There will be a Commander," she calmly states before I can finish. "I'll take your place. Until I find myself a successor, or some other solution, I will do it. I will be their _Heda_ one last time."

... ...


	21. 21 Clarke

**CLARKE**

I'm holding my breath. I'm very aware of that, yet I don't feel in control to change it. I'm also aware of everyone else holding their breath.

We're all staring at her eyes, staring in anticipation of that first subtle tremble of her closed eyelids. There's no doubt that she's about to open them. In fact that's the only thing we're sure of. No, the real question is: who are we going to meet? Will it be Charmaine Diyoza, my friend or foe (we've been switching sides so many times I honestly don't know anymore), yet someone with a conscious mind either way, or some voracious monster that only looks like the former colonel?

When she starts to blink against the light I raise my arm, my fingers clenched so tight around the handle of the knife that they turn white. I'm ready to strike if I have to. But oh please, don't let me have to!

As soon as her eyes are fully open her mouth follows, ready to bite the air between us. If possible I inhale even deeper.

But her teeth don't snap back together.

"Good morning to you too, Clarke," she grumbles instead, her voice still groggy from sleep.

I don't feel able to reply. Finally letting my held breath escape I immediately start to gasp for new air. I think I need a minute.

"You might wanna lower that," she goes on, nodding at my now shaking hand, and the sharp blade that's still pointing towards her face. While I do as she asks, Mom steps forward.

"How are you feeling, Charmaine?"

Diyoza rubs her eyes, then slowly sits up and takes the glass of water that Mom offers her. "Quite alright, I think. Definitely better than right before this little nap." Her gaze flicks around. "How long was I under?"

"More than two weeks," Mom tells her. "You uh, you're the first one to wake up... alive."

"You're saying there's another way?" Diyoza frowns.

"There is," Raven jumps in, "One of the many things we learned these weeks is that those creatures that bit you are actually dead. Brain dead, to be more specific. And that a bite will turn you into them."

"So the Muppet was right? To lock me up as a precaution, before moving me up here?"

"She was," Raven nods.

As Diyoza stares at her I can see the disbelief in her eyes. "How did she know?" she asks.

Raven's eyes find mine. This one is for you, they seem to tell me. I clear my throat, drawing Diyoza's attention.

"I told her," I finally speak up. "When you guys were looking for me, I met... some people. People who've been around. They gave me a little _Living Dead 101_. I met up with Madi, who told me what happened to you, and passed the information on." I decide right on the spot not to tell her about my you-have-to-stab-her-in-the-head advise, especially when I note how her lips curl into a grin.

"Well how about that?" she smirks, "Clarke Griffin actually saved my life!"

I smile along uncomfortably, while trying to convince myself that ignorance is bliss, but it doesn't really matter; she's already looking at Mom again.

"So tell me Doc, how did you get me to stay me?"

"We have taken the liberty of turning you into a Nightblood," Mom owns up, "I hope you understand that we would have preferred to get your consent, but there was no way of asking you without risking it all."

"I understand the last part," Diyoza smiles in that crooked way of hers, "But I'm afraid the Nightblood thing needs a lot more explaining."

Mom nods. "Of course, I will tell you all about it. I promise. But first I'd like to run some tests."

"You're not sure if you actually cured me?" Moving her hands to her belly Diyoza gently strokes her baby bump, telling us where the sudden worry in her voice is coming from. "How about Hope? Is she okay?"

Showing her a reassuring smile, Mom lightly rests her hand on Diyoza's shoulder. "So far everything seems fine, for the both of you. Your temperature dropped down to normal, which is a very good sign. Probably also a reason why you feel much better. But I can't say anything for sure without some proper examination."

"We learned a lot," Raven adds, shifting from one foot to the other, "but unfortunately there's a lot more we haven't figured out yet." It's probably not what Diyoza wants to hear, but it's the most honest answer they can give her now.

"Come on," Mom says as she helps her out of the cryogenic pod, "Let's get to the lab."

I watch them leave, Diyoza between Mom and Jackson - wobbling, which I assume is the result of a lengthy pregnancy of over two hundred years and thus nothing to worry about.

"You're coming?" Raven asks.

Without much thought I look at my wrist to check the time, even though I know better as I lost Dad's watch years ago - a habit I just can't kick. I feel like it must have been hours since I left Madi and Lexa though.

"I think I'd rather check on Madi," I answer her as our eyes meet again.

She raises her brows. "Madi... or your girlfriend?"

"One does not exclude the other," I mumble, feeling annoyance rise already. Not waiting for her response I move past her towards the exit of Cryo Chamber B.

"Clarke, wait," she says. She takes me by my sleeve, which does make me stop. I look at her, not able to withhold the sigh that falls from my lips.

"What now?"

"I'm sorry," she shrugs a bit awkwardly. "I'm actually really glad you came along with us. The both of you! You seemed to have found a nice place, but you left it to help us anyway. And you've really been a great help," her eyes drift off to the hand I subconsciously press against the sore spot on my body, "and not just when it came to Madi."

I nod and force a smile, realizing she's extending an olive branch. It's up to me now.

"I know seeing her again must have brought back some painful memories to you. But those were different times. We were different people. We made mistakes, all of us, Lexa included. But she's done a lot of great things as well."

She shoves her hands in her pockets, taking a deep breath. "I know."

"And she's really important to me," I go on, "So one way or another, she's gonna stick around. You two don't have to be best friends, but I really hope you can at least get used to that."

"You know what, I think I already am." The corner of her mouth lifts a bit, enough to take it as a smile. "I won't bug you again."

"Oh, I'm sure you find something else," I can't help but laugh, "if I don't beat you to it!"

As I make my way back to Madi's room I'm strangely aware of the wide grin on my face. Things are finally looking up. Madi is out of the woods. We might have found a cure for what seems to be the biggest threat on this new planet. And Raven and I finally buried the hatched - sort of. I still feel the need to be careful when it comes to being optimistic, but it really does feel like we're a few steps closer to home.

Still grinning I open the door, only to freeze in my motion as soon as my eye catches her on the other side. For a second I think it's Madi, her long hair partly braided like before, covering her shoulders that are now clad in a dark, rough and rather long coat. But although Madi has grown a lot she's still a few inches shorter than this dead ringer. And if this isn't Madi, I can only think of one other girl who wears this look.

Right then Lexa turns around and meets my gaze. She flashes me a smile, but I'm unable to offer her one in return. Too overwhelmed by this sight I just blankly stare at her. It's not just the fact that she's completely dressed in Grounder clothes... her face, with the _Heda_ symbol between her brows, is actually covered in war paint.

"W- What's going on?" I manage to ask at last.

She takes a step closer. "It's time, Clarke."

I blink to check if I'm seeing what I think I'm seeing, then shake my head, not understanding any of this.

"Time for what?"

"To take responsibility," she answers with a light shrug, "Starting with taking that same responsibility away from Madi. It's a burden she should not have to carry."

Turning around I quickly close the door behind me before facing her again. "She shouldn't," I agree, "but does that mean you have to?"

"Yes. If that's how I can protect her, it does."

I narrow my eyes. "Is this about Aden? About his accusations, and your guilt towards those kids?"

"No, this is about Madi," she says, waving her hands. Her voice sounds calm, but her gestures tell me otherwise. "Although I don't see a problem with the fact that Aden opened my eyes. He wasn't wrong."

I draw in a long, deep breath. "I know he wasn't," I exhale, stepping forward. I take her hand in mine. "And I know what his words meant to you. And what Madi already means to you. But-"

"But what?"

"But you said you would never go back," I go on. "That you hated that life, and almost everything that came with it."

She pulls her hand out of mine and starts playing with the buttons of my shirt, almost mindlessly. "I still do," she quietly admits, "But I hate seeing what this is doing to Madi even more. It's just not right. And if this is what it takes to get her out without any harm..."

"No! Hey, look at me, this can't be the only way-"

"But it is!" she blurts out, her eyes finding mine again as I asked for. "I'm not saying I like it, but I have to agree with Madi. There are a whole lot of people down there relying on her - or at least on the way of leadership that they are used to. The fact that I lost my belief in the Flame doesn't mean they have. And we can't just take that away from them."

I shake my head again, not able to agree with her. Not yet. "They spent years without a Commander. All that time in the bunker they accepted Octavia as their leader, and even when they got out they followed her command."

"I know, you told me," she nods, "But you also told me what happened as soon as they found out about Madi. They bent the knee for her. All of them, even Octavia herself. Because she understood."

I can't fight her on that.

"Okay, so they need a new Commander. Fine. But why does it have to be you?!"

"Because Grounder law states there can't be a new Commander before the death of the current one. And I think we both agree that we're not going to wait for that, or ask for it to happen with a vote of no confidence."

Heaving another sigh, I fight the urge to throw my hands in the air. "Of course not. But that doesn't answer my question about you."

She shrugs in an almost nonchalant way, clearly feeling in control again. "The law speaks about when and how to become the _new_ Commander, but as far as I know there's no law regarding the return of an _old_ one."

I blink a few times, letting her words sink in.

"So... you would just... be back?"

"I would just be back," she slowly nods again, "With no repercussions towards Madi. Just an honorable Thank You for taking over during my absence."

Slowly I start to feel how her new-found calmness starts to reflect on me. I exhale, relaxing my muscles, and take a seat on the edge of Madi's bed. "And this is how you're going to convince them?" I ask her, gesturing at her outfit and painted face.

"Pretty much, yes," she smirks, quickly adding in a more serious tone, "You don't need to worry though, I'm not taking the Flame."

In all honesty that's something I hadn't even thought about yet, but I can't deny that I don't feel relieved hearing this. It raises another worry though. I sigh.

"They will never accept you without it."

"I know," she agrees, "That's why we won't tell them. Not at first, at least." She sits down besides me. "Madi is ready to let go of it. Which is a good start. Now it's up to us what to do with it. We can either destroy it, or hand it to Titus as soon as we can trust him with the secret that I'm not actually carrying it."

"Titus is dead," I tell her, once again realizing there's so much she doesn't know yet.

Her eyes widen, just for a short second, before swiftly readjusting like I didn't just inform her about the faith of her killer.

"See," she cries out, "and that's why I need you with me!" She turns towards me, taking my upper arms in her strong hands. "I feel okay about this, knowing it won't be forever. I _will_ find a way to make some changes and get out alive this time. But I'll need you by my side."

I cup her jaw, my fingers softly grazing her cheek. "I'll always be by your side. But it hurts me when you're unhappy. Which you will be. For one thing, because you're choosing to be Lexa. _All_ of Lexa." I lift her gaze to mine, before softly asking, "What about Alicia?"

Her smile returns, the one that's just so full of love. The one that never fails to make my heart swell. Without a word she leans in to brush her lips against mine. I shiver at her touch. Seeing her like this after all this years already brought me back in time, but this kiss - this gentle, almost cautious exploring of my lips - actually brings those memories back to life. The memories of stolen glances, and of weak excuses to be around each other. And most of all of our very first kiss.

How was I ever able to break away from a moment like this?

I answer her kiss without deepening it, enjoying the softness of her lips too much, a softness that leave tingles on mine. I honestly believe I could kiss her all day, every day... if we didn't had jobs like saving the world all the time.

Lexa is the first to pull back, that same warm smile still glued to her face.

"For this to work Alicia needs to hide a little," she quietly answers me at last, "But I am bringing her with me." She taps the side of her head, "In here."

I take her hand again, this time to press it against my chest, my heart beating right underneath it. "And in here," I wink.

With the slightest nod, the one I know so well, she mouths a soundless "thank you".

Then suddenly, before I can say anything in return, she drops herself backwards onto the mattress, pulling me with her in her fall. Facing the ceiling like this, she continues, "I'm not forgetting who I am. Neither side of me. In fact, I think Alicia might be the one who's going to get us through this. Like you said before, she's seen it all before. Plus she'll keep us going, by showing the way." She turns her head to look at me, and I do the same. "That life that I was searching for, I still want that."

Drowning into her eyes it takes me a second to find my voice again. "Me too," I whisper. I move my hand to find hers, but instead I take hold of some spikes on her coat, making my lips twist again. "So where did you get the clothes?" I grin.

"Madi took me shopping at the local Gap store... Cryo Chamber E, I think it's called," she chuckles. "Let's say one of the Grounder girls might be a little surprised when she wakes up wearing my sneakers and bomber jacket."

We both laugh out loud, which feels almost as good as kissing her. If only this world allowed us to laugh more often. No! Correction! We should laugh more often! Period.

"Speaking of, where's Madi?" I question when I can breathe again.

"She went looking for the one thing still missing," she answers, like that tells me anything. "...my swords."

The mentioning of her weapons, and the knowledge why she might need them, brings me back to reality. I try not to show it, but of course that one second of worry crossing my face is enough for her. No longer laughing, her expression closes up.

"I- I want you to be honest, Clarke," she stammers, "Are you mad at me for doing this?"

While dropping the question she moves further up on the bed, away from me, as if to create some distance between us. I've seen her do this before, it's her way of protecting herself. There's no need, though.

"What?! No! No, I'm not!" I call out, not accepting that distance and thus following her. I hover over her as soon as I reach her and lock our eyes, relieved that she doesn't avert hers. "I'm a bit scared, maybe. But mad? No! If anything, I'm proud." Lowering myself, I rest my head on her chest. "And, although I'm not sure if possible, I think I love you even more."

She doesn't say anything else, and neither do I. Instead she wraps her arms around me and I make sure to nestle myself into them.

After one hundred and thirty-one years (and a couple of months) (but who's counting?) I find myself back in the safe embrace of the Commander.

... ...


	22. 22 Lexa - Alicia

**LEXA | ALICIA**

We wait for another three days, since we want to be absolutely sure that Diyoza is okay after her treatment. It's the only way of telling us the Flame makes no difference and can indeed be safely removed.

In the meantime we're not just sleeping late and playing house though, although I do make sure I absolutely relish every minute in which I can crack a stupid joke, get to be alone with Clarke, or can simply breathe and be me, knowing too well things will be different soon.

On day one we talk to Abby and Raven. After careful consideration we decided it's too soon to tell anyone else at this stage. After all we're not even sure yet if we can actually proceed the way we want to. Nevertheless my decision stands, and my message to our first two confidants is clear: "I _will_ take over from Madi. When we get back to the ground I will be their Commander again."

"Their?" Abby asks, narrowing her eyes and creasing her forehead.

"Well, yes," I smile, "I'm well aware that quite a batch of the survivors are original sky folks. Including you two. I don't feel in any position to tell you what to do, let alone to follow my lead."

Clarke shuffles to the edge of her seat, her eyes darting between the two of them, "You can though."

"And why would we want that?" The cynicism in Raven's question is hard to miss.

"I can't answer that for you," I reply truthfully. "From what I've been told I understand many have spent a long time together, Grounders and Skaikru joined as one group. Forced by the calamity that struck them, but thereby also connected."

"Says who?"

"Let me ask you this," I go on, ignoring Raven's question, "Did anyone leave? Since you guys made it to the ground again, and set up camp there?"

She shrugs. "Not that I know of."

"And why's that?"

"I dunno," she mumbles, "you'll have to ask them."

"And I will, when I'm down there," I nod. "But for now I assume that they formed bonds with each other. Over time they set their differences aside, while working together. Living together. Hell, _surviving_ together. By now these people know how to rely on each other. And that's worth a lot, especially in a strange new world, one that's full of danger. Not many people would trade that comfort and security for a fully independent but also very risky life."

Abby clears her throat. "You're talking about Wankru - the people in the bunker. But not everyone lived like that. We had a bunch of people up in space-"

"Which was already a mixed group," Clarke interrupts her mother.

"-and then there are the Eligius prisoners," Abby continues undisturbed, "We don't know yet what they want, or what even to expect from them."

I nod again, slowly, as I'm starting to organize in my head. Things clearly aren't the way I left them. "Those prisoners, they're all still asleep?"

"All but Diyoza and Shaw," Abby says. "It's not intentional. It's just that... well... they might be trouble."

"Also it's Diyoza's call, and she happened to be a little distracted from the very first day on," Raven adds, as her eyes leave mine. "You know, getting bitten while searching for you," she tells Clarke with that tone in her voice I'm sure by now she reserves especially for her. Clarke shoots her a look. "Sorry, old habit."

"Okay, I'll talk to Diyoza then," I go on while mentally adding the _What to do with two dozen jailbirds?_ question to my to-do list. "My point right now is that I completely understand that many didn't stay just because Madi told them to. Cultures have mixed, but believes haven't. Grounders still believe in the Flame, and at the same time everyone else probably never will. I can't see any reason for wanting to change that."

Raven leans forward, resting her elbow on the table between us, and her chin up on her palm. She gazes at me with an examining look in her eyes, before asking inquisitively, "Do you?"

I frown. "Do I what?"

"Still believe in it?

"I uh-" I fall quiet, realizing - and not for the first time - that I find the subject more complicated than I initially thought. In my head it's been all clear for a while now, but at some moments I can't help feeling like I'm betraying something, or someone. Maybe even myself?

I rub my neck like my muscles are suddenly tensed, while in reality it's my way of connecting with something that's long gone. Right then I feel Clarke's hand underneath the table, softly stroking my knee. I swallow.

"I don't," I admit. "I mean I don't believe in the myth of it any longer. In the rules and the rituals that are believed to be necessary. Essential even. Or in the guidance it's supposed to give. But the abilities, the power of the device itself, well, if someone can't ignore that, it's me. After all I experienced it for years. I just didn't recognize it for what it is."

Abby tilts her head, squinting her eyes again. "Which is?"

"Some kind of artificial intelligence," I shrug. "Something I would never have understood before, but I'm now able to, since as Alicia I grew up learning about similar technology. Plus Clarke told me about all your discoveries after I..." A shaky gasp sneaks up on me, but doesn't stop me. "She explained about the technology behind it. And I do believe in that - in the technology-part. Admittedly, I'm actually quite interested in all that."

Raven shoots up straight. "You are?"

"Of course I am! The Flame is connected to the nightblood, right? And the nightblood is clearly connected to the virus that's eating us alive - or making us eat each other alive, I should say. I mean, if we really found a cure here-"

"Uh uh," Abby stops me, shaking her head. "A vaccine, _maybe_ , but not a cure. One that only protects against a bite. We have yet to find out what will happen when someone just... dies, in any other way."

"Also we have no idea about the effect on the brain once treated. On those... _things_... growing in there after said bite. There might still be something happening up there, hidden deeply in the grey mass, without causing any symptoms... yet," Raven wonders out loud.

Suddenly feeling restless, I shift in my seat. "Okay, well, a good start at least. A first step in the right direction. Believe me, I'd much rather dig into all that, than climb back on a thrown."

"Then why don't you?" Clarke's words tumble out before she can stop them. I turn towards her, a soft sigh escaping me as my eyes find hers. It's not one of annoyance though, just the silent wish this wasn't such a struggle for her.

"I told you, I have to do this," I quietly tell her, "It's f-"

"-for Madi," she finishes my sentence with me. "I know."

We keep staring at each other for a few moments, sharing a sad smile, before I turn back towards Abby and Raven. "But _you_ on the other hand..."

Raven leans back in her chair again, crossing her arms over her chest. I check the _still defensive-_ box in my head. "What about us?" she asks in a sharp voice, yet with a touch of curiosity.

"Well, like I said, you're free. I mean it, I'm not going to keep you here, or anywhere else you don't want to be. So the question I'm asking you, as I will ask everyone else, is: what do you want?"

I pause to let my words sink in, and as I do a silence falls upon us. Abby is the first to break it.

"I- I think I want to stay up here. To create more vaccines, but also..." As she falters her eyes search for Clarke's. I could be wrong, but I think I spot both guilt and apology in them. "I'm sorry honey, I don't want us to part again, but I- I don't think I can leave Marcus."

Clarke stretches her arm, reaching over to take Abby's hand in her own. "It's okay, Mom. I get it," she reassures her, continuing after a quick glance at me, "I really, really do."

With her lips pressed together Abby shows her daughter a thin yet grateful smile. She releases her hand, then turns to Raven. "What about you? Will you help me?"

With a pensive look Raven tilts her head up a little, like the answer to that question is written on the wall behind me. She nods, though hardly visible. "I want to focus on the science too, much more than on the politics." Her gaze drops back to our eye-level, flicking between Clarke and me. "That's more your game, anyway."

Abby sighs in relief, presumably because - as Clarke has told me - she kind of feels like a mother to Raven as well. (Which kind of makes Clarke and Raven sisters, which kind of explains the constant bickering between the two of them.) "So you'll stay here with me?"

"Actually..." Shifting in her seat Raven slowly unfolds her arms. "Actually I think I feel too limited up here. If you really ask me what I want, and I'm starting to believe you do, I'd say I want a real chance to figure this out. I want specimens, equipment, a real lab... a sparring partner with a brain crazy enough to keep up with me." She glances at Abby. "No offense."

I suck in my lower lip, biting it as I think about what she's saying - or asking? "Okay," I slowly nod, "Would be easier if you'd just wanted to be a Walker Slayer, since there are plenty of job opportunities in that field, but yeah, okay."

For a second Raven's eyes grow wide before she suddenly bursts into laughter. "Okay?" she hiccups, "What? You decide to be the Commander and with that you can magically arrange anything you want?"

I know she's scoffing at me, but I still can't help but grin along.

"You didn't know I was Harry Potter's class mate?"

"Harry who?" Raven and Clarke ask in unison.

I shake my head. "Never mind," I chuckle, before looking at Raven again - still smiling, but no longer laughing. "No, I do not know any magic. I just hear what you say and I want to think along. I really _do_ want to work together, Raven."

"Alright then, I guess I'll take your word for it," she returns my smile, "Any clues where to find any of this?"

"I'm afraid not," I shake my head again. "The last time I saw some kind of a lab was in High School, which wasn't just a poor rip-off of a real lab, but is also all the way back in L.A. In this area I'm almost as new as you guys, so I'm just as lost."

This time it's Clarke who leans forward, her forearms on the table and her fingers making a steeple as she often does when she's plotting things out. "We might be all new here, but we know some people who are not."

We look at each other as if on cue, our eyes locking instantly. "You're thinking about Magna, aren't you?" I frown.

"I am, yes," she nods. "Unless you think she wouldn't help us again?"

"I don't know, I guess there's only one way to find out. She did tell me she would be there for Raven too, if needed, so I guess it's worth the try."

"She did, huh?" Raven comes in between, but I keep my focus on Clarke. After all, Raven wasn't wrong: this is our game.

"We could ask Madi to send Echo again?" I suggest. "Though it still feels weird to trust an _Azkeda_."

Clarke flashes me a smile, one that shows understanding as well as reassuring. "We can, I promise. In fact, I even believe we can tell her about you. Assuming everything works out, she'll bring Magna back with her to a whole new situation. One in which you are the Commander again. I think Magna deserves to know that before she assents to come along or not, after all she did for us."

"I agree," I nod, and with that we conclude our first close-to-official counsel.

... ...

Not wanting to waste any time we radiocontact Echo straight away. When we're absolutely sure it's just her on the receiving end of the line I inform her about the fact that I've taken over from Madi.

As soon as she understands the full meaning of this the tone in her voice changes dramatically - a clear heads up what to expect from the other Grounders once they know. The choice to stay or go really is theirs, but moments like these make me doubt that people will indeed go, leaving me with a group of at least a hundred... and triple as many when the non-Grounders feel the same way.

I swallow, trying to force myself not to think about that part yet, and ask Echo to find Magna at Oceanside. I try my best to make it sound like a favor instead of an order, though I know she won't take it that way. Although commanding still comes surprisingly natural to me I realize it might take a while to get comfortable with it again (and honestly, I don't even know if I want to).

Most of all I make sure she gets my message - _I'm asking Magna to help me find a laboratory, a professor of any kind, anything or anyone science related really, but the fact that I'm the Commander now doesn't mean I'm summoning her; in the end it's her own free choice!_ \- and will deliver it in that way, and that way only.

"Oh, and tell her it's actually for Raven!" I mention right before we disconnect. Something tells me that might make a difference.

The next day I learn more about Abby's Marcus, who turns out to be Kane, who I actually met a few times back in the day, and who's now kept in cryo, because he's badly injured.

I also sit down with Colonel Charmaine Diyoza, who unlike Echo is clearly not familiar or impressed with Grounder culture, including its view on leadership. I can't say she doesn't act respectful towards me, but she's not shy to admit not understanding Madi's position one bit - after all, how are all these people following a _child_?! Her words feel more like a wondering than an insult though.

As Diyoza is a leader herself my first question to her is if she plans on staying one. If so I'd say: it's a big world out there, so gather your people and wander off. (Oh, and the best of luck.) I'm not saying I'm not striving for democracy, but it simply feels too soon to have two captains on one ship. Yet if she doesn't want to be in charge any longer, she's of course more than welcome to stay and try to find her place in the micro-world my people are already starting to create on the ground, and that will be under my command till further notice.

Diyoza doesn't answer me right away, what I actually like. She just listens, chews it over and weighs her options, until she tells me at last that she needs even more time. To my slight relief she agrees that we won't wake up her men till she figures out what she considers best, admitting that "they can be quite a handful."

We do the count. We still have thirty-six people in cryo-sleep, including Marcus Kane and the prisoners, who will all stay in this comatose state for now.

We wake up everyone else. Twelve men and women in total. These people, together with Abby, Jackson, Raven, Shaw and Niylah, are the first ones to be offered a bone marrow transplant - now simply called The Vaccine. The treatment is completely voluntary, but everyone accepts it. Everyone opts for protection. The only one who hesitates is... well, me.

I struggle with a strange and rather unexpected resistance from the moment the question is raised, a resistance that I find difficult to accommodate. Clarke and I have words about it, our first fight since we found our way back to each other. I hate it. I hate that I even have to think about it. I hate that it brings me back to my past, to what being a Nightblood meant for me - a curse that I couldn't escape.

But above all I hate seeing the fear in Clarke's eyes, the fear that I might _not_ do it.

So I do it.

Of course I do it...

At the end of the third day everyone is treated. I have to admit I'm amazed we pulled it off in such a short time, since the proces is way more complicated than just getting some shots, but with everyone joining we also quickly gained more donors, which - as it turned out - helped a lot.

Which leaves us with only one more thing to take care of: the Flame.

Madi has recovered to full health, just like Diyoza, so there's no need to wait any longer. The moment Clarke finally removes the device feels almost intimate. It's just Madi, Clarke and me. _My family_ , it hits me when I watch the two of them, _this is my family_... and not like Strand, Al and the others have become my family. This is the family I actually want to play house with - like, for real.

The moment is too short to lose myself in though.

"Alright, I believe this is yours." Clarke's voice pulls me back to reality. She briefly looks at me over her shoulder while lifting her hand in the air, the white-bluish chip carefully held between her thumb and forefinger. "You want a treasure box to keep it in... or rather a hamer to smash it?"

"Neither," I answer as I watch how she covers the cut with a Band-Aid. "Madi, how do you feel?"

Madi rolls onto her back and looks up at me. "I- I think I feel... light. Even though I could never actually _feel_ the Flame, I do feel like... like a heavy backpack is taken of my shoulders." She grins sheepishly. "Does that make any sense?"

"It makes a lot of sense!" I grin just as wide. Whatever happens next, I'm already glad that she is relieved of this burden. "If you feel alright, do you think you can try and find Raven for me?"

She jumps off the bench with the energy that fits a twelve-ish year old. "Sure. Be right back!" She's gone before I can even thank her.

I turn to Clarke again. "Okay, part two," I smirk foolishly as I sit down on a chair and pull my hair up, exposing the skin underneath. "No worries, we'll get back to your question in a bit."

Clarke mumbles some words underneath her breath. I can't hear them, but I know her well enough to recognize her impatience speaking, which I actually find pretty endearing. I giggle.

Instead of joining my laughter, she takes a firm hold on me. "Sit still."

"Yes, ma'am," I chuckle.

"Lexa!"

"Okay, okay, I will!" I take a deep breath and sag my shoulders. "Alright, hit me!"

Clarke lays her hand on top of mine, then softly tilts my head forward until my chin almost touches the hollow between my collarbones. She reaches out to take a clean scalpel from the table next to me. Two seconds later I feel how she makes a shallow incision in the back of my neck.

"Is it deep enough? Will it leave a scar?" I ask her without trying to move.

"I think so," she answers as she dabs the blood for a minute with some cotton wool. "It's closing up already. See, just a few drops."

Her hand returns in my field of vision, showing me the cotton wool with the little blood I lost. It's black, and it doesn't feel like mine.

Clarke is already moving on, tossing away the cotton and picking up a black sharpie. "Don't! Giggle!" she warns me again.

The tip of the marker glides gently over my skin. It tickles, which makes me gasp. I quickly bite my teeth. "Sowwy," I murmur.

"This won't take long," she says from behind me. I can tell by the sound of her voice that she's smiling. As soon as she's done she leans closer and presses her lips against the drawing on my neck.

"Clarke, it's not dry yet!" I shriek.

"It is," she smiles against my skin, "It won't come off. In fact, it will stay with you just as long as I will..." She takes my shoulders and turns me towards her, our faces only a few inches away from each other. "...for infinity!"

"God, you're so lame," I snort, but my belly is backflipping and I know that she knows.

"Fine, act all tough, if that's what you need to get back in Commander Mode," she shrugs nonchalantly, "but I know you like it."

She slowly moves her hand back to mine, the gentle touch reminding me that I can let my hair down again. Her fingers rake through it and start toying with one of my locks. Her eyes never leave mine. The playful sparkle I spot in them makes me melt into a puddle.

"I like _you_ ," I surrender. Not giving her a chance to celebrate her victory I pull her close for a kiss. One that I can't finish the way I want to, because Madi and Raven walk in on us.

"What's up?" Raven asks with a clear intention to get straight to it.

I get up from my chair and face her. "Raven, did Madi tell you we got the Flame out?"

She shakes her head. "Not yet."

"Well, we did. But I'm not going to take it - which is something you can't tell anyone."

"Not even Gaia?"

Clarke and Madi already taught me that Gaia, Indra's daughter, is the new Flamekeeper. I take a stern look at her. "Not _anyone_ ," I emphasize.

As she raises her brows in anticipation I can tell she's intrigued. One corner of her mouth shows a bit of a smile. "You're going to destroy it, aren't you?"

Now I'm the one to shake my head. "Nope... I'm going to give it to you."

Her eyes grow wide, just like Clarke's, as I can see from the corner of my eye. "Why- why would you do that?"

"Because the way I see it this thing is kind of a memory drive. Not a simple USB stick, but still, it has to be some kind of storage device... right?"

Raven slowly nods, still clueless. "Riiiiight...?"

"So it must contain a lot of useful information. Hopefully even some information that can help you understand all that's happening on the ground right now. And that can help you find that cure."

Clarke exhales, telling me the penny dropped. "Because Becca's memory is on there as well!" she exclaims.

"Exactly," I can't help but smirk a little, before turning back to serious, and to Raven. "At least that's what I hope for. Which means that if this thing is ever going to help any of us, it's going to be you, since you're the one looking for answers."

Blinking a few times Raven forces herself to break her stare. "And... you trust me with it?"

My lips curve into a smile. "I do. Though you have to promise me three things. One: you can't tell anyone about it, at least not till you find the right people to work with, and to trust. Two: it can never ever be implanted again, not even in times of despair. I'm giving you this for science and science only."

Raven nods without debating me. "And three?" she asks instead.

"Three: if you manage to crack it and there happens to be a file on there with my name on it then you stay away from it. Not a single peek! Got that?"

Her gaze lingers on me for a moment, then moves to Clarke, then back to me. Right then her eyes grow big again, flicking between the two of us twice more, each time a little faster. Finally focusing on me again she pretends to shiver in disgust.

"Oh believe me," she groans, "I wouldn't look if they'd forced me!"

... ...

The flight down is even worse than the one up, because now I'm also terrified of crashing into the ground. But my fear appears unnecessary: Raven and Shaw prove once again to be excellent pilots by making a perfect landing, which only comes with a light thud.

Once released from our seat belts and harnesses we all make our way towards the exit. Just like three days ago I'm wearing war paint and heavy Grounder clothes. With some regret I left my gun barrel behind. Instead I carry two swords, crossed on my back. Madi found them for me, together with some other stuff, including a scarlet scarf which we have sewn on the left shoulder of my coat. Without thinking about it I pull it over my head, searching for the protection and comfort it used to give me.

A hoodie _avant la lettre_.

At that moment Clarke comes to stand next to me. She trails her fingers down my arm and briefly grasps my hand. I squeeze hers in return.

"Ready for Resurrection Day?" she quietly asks me.

I turn my face towards her. "Oh God, they're going to call it that, aren't they?"

"Probably," she giggles before looking back at me. Our eyes find each others. As always I find calm in the infinite depth of blue.

"Are you ready?" she asks, no longer laughing.

I nod. I am.

Drawing in another long breath I take a step forward, towards Madi. I lay my hand on her shoulder. "Alright _strisis_... it's showtime!"

Shaw takes the cue and pulls the lever that opens the heavy door. We all walk outside, Clarke and I right behind Raven, Shaw, Madi, Niylah and Diyoza.

Indra en Gaia meet us immediately. "Heda! It's so good to see you again, and in such great health," Gaia cheers with enthusiasm. Indra, on the other hand, retains her familiar coolness.

"Welcome back, Heda," she tells Madi with a short nod. "Your tent is ready. You'll find your throne in there, next to your personal belongings."

"Thank you, Indra, but I won't be needing that," Madi replies.

"What do you mean? Of course you do!" Gaia cries out. "We should have arranged it right after your ascension, but in those final days there and our first ones here-"

Madi raises her hand, making Gaia fall quiet right away. "I mean I don't need it, because I won't be sitting on it. I'm not your Commander anymore."

They both frown in confusion. "Then... who is?" Indra asks cautiously, an alarmed look creeping across her face.

Madi knows simply answering that question isn't gonna work. Instead she takes a step aside, making room for me to step forward.

"I am," I tell my old friend.

As soon as their eyes move from Madi to me they both stare at me in complete disbelief. With their jaws open and eyes like saucers they look at me like they're watching a ghost.

"No, this... this... can't be," Indra stammers. She takes a small step closer to have an even better look. "L- Lexa?!"

I confirm with a single nod.

It's enough to make Indra kneel in front of me before I can stop her. Gaia follows her example; her quiet, devoting _Hedaaa_ almost sounds like a sigh.

"I'm very pleased to see you too, Indra!" A grin sneaks up on me and I realize, a little to my own surprise, that I really am happy to see her again. "And you as well, Gaia. Now please rise to your feet and let's move to that tent, so we can come up with the best way to tell everyone else."

I turn to Madi. "I promise I'm soon done asking you for anything, but could you find Bellamy and send him to me?"

She answers by running off straight away.

When Madi is out of sight Indra leads me, together with Clarke and Raven, to what I guess is now my tent. The throne they built in it is such a centerpiece that there's just no ignoring it. I take a deep breath - if I'm doing this I have to do it well - and force myself to sit on it. It comes with some flashbacks, but there's no time for that right now.

"Indra, I understand you might have questions. But first, tell me about our current situation. Where are-"

I can't finish, distracted by the sound of someone wanting to get in, despite Gaia trying to stop them at the entrance, though with little success.

The voice, now clearly a woman's, draws closer and louder. "Trust me, it's alright," she states, "She asked for me herself."

As she lets herself in I can only admit that she's speaking the truth, as it turns out it's Magna.

She approaches me in a way she's used to, the way we acted around each other in Oceanside, then suddenly stops herself to make an awkward bow. With her eyes to the ground she clears her throat, mumbling, "Heda Lexa."

I force myself not to laugh. "Magna, thank you for meeting me. Please, stand up and... be you."

She does as told.

"Did Echo explain to you what we're looking for?"

"Yes, her message was very clear, as was her question," Magna nods. "Unfortunately I personally wouldn't know where to find a lab. But I do know a scientist who might be helpful. He's quite a genius, though a little odd. His name is Eugene Porter."

A genius, that almost sounds too good to be true. "And where do we find this Eugene? Let me guess... Canada? No, even worse probably... somewhere overseas?"

Soft laughter escapes her, a hint of normal human behavior I embrace wholeheartedly. "It's not that bad," she grins, "He lives in Alexandria, our third community. The one in the north."

I narrow my eyes. "How's that not bad? As I recall we're not exactly welcome there."

"Yes, I remembered those restrictions as well. Which is why Echo, Miko and I took a little detour on our way up here. We visited Hilltop and..." She pauses.

"And?"

"Well, I hope this won't give any problems, but... I told Jesus that you're the Commander again."

Slowly shaking my head, I let out a harsh breath. "You shouldn't have bothered. He clearly doesn't care."

"Well, actually..."

Magna looks over her shoulder to Echo, who's waiting at the entrance. She pulls back the canvas, letting in the bearded man I used to know as Aden. He walks up to me with a firm stride, giving me a hard stare all the while. I return it, intuitively prepared for a blow of any kind. About five feet away from me he comes to an abrupt stop.

Our eyes stay locked for five... six... seven seconds... Around us no one moves. No one makes a sound.

Eight... nine...

I'm trying to read his gaze. I see anger and bitterness, but also something I can't yet define. But it looks like I don't have to figure it out by myself. After what feels like forever he breaks our deafening silence.

His voice is clear and stable, but also surprisingly soft when he says to me, "This doesn't mean I forgive you."

I open my mouth, then close it again when I find nothing to say.

He doesn't even notice, as his eyes are already on the floor... and before I know it, so is his knee.

... ...


	23. 23 Clarke

**CLARKE**

As I stand on the side right next to Raven I watch how the leader of Hilltop enters the tent. He walks straight up to Lexa, looking determined, yet somehow not like a threat - which is the only reason why I don't move.

Despite the aloof look in his eyes he stops at a respectable distance from her. He doesn't speak, and when she doesn't either I feel like I'm witnessing an impromptu staring competition. One that Lexa comes out as winner.

"This doesn't mean I forgive you," he says after what feels like forever, and right before he averts his eyes away from her and bends the knee.

A surprised gasp escapes me, and by the look on her face I can see Lexa must feel the same. With his eyes still on the ground he doesn't seem to notice.

"With today's knowledge it's hard not to have some opinions about the Flame, but that doesn't mean I lost my respect for it. I still honor it, and I still honor you, as the one carrying it," he goes on, before looking up at her again. "So I will escort you and your friends to Alexandria."

Lexa blinks once more, then finally manages to retrieve her voice. "Please, stand," she tells her former protégé.

When he's back on his feet she continues, "Aden, I'm..." She falters, then clears her throat. "I won't ask you for your mercy. I know that wouldn't be fair. But I do hope I can ask you to accept my gratitude. I'm really thankful that you are here, willing to help my people."

"Our people," he corrects her. "You made me vow it once. To support and protect all clans. Back then that included the Sky People, and to me it still does. Just like it involves your-" He stops himself mid-sentence, only to continue in a lower voice, "I mean Alicia's friends."

Her lips form a thin, but gracious smile. "I appreciate that, but I can't hold you to that pledge."

"With all due respect, Heda, but it's no matter of you holding me to it. I'm not one to break my vows."

"Then I won't argue about it," she nods. "Now I know you came all the way here to discuss a trip to Alexandria, but..." She leans forward, continuing underneath her breath, "...how is everyone?"

Despite the sudden confidential tone between them, his face remains stoic. "Everyone's fine. Safe behind my walls."

Sitting upright again, she heaves a sigh of relief. "They are? Thank you."

His soft mutter is barely an answer, and when he stays quiet Lexa seems to realize he's waiting for her. She quickly collects herself.

"Right, okay. So... Alexandria. Raven over there will tell you more about what she's searching for." She gestures towards our side, where Raven lifts her hand by way of greeting. He nods at her, his eyes almost friendly, before turning back to Lexa, who's still talking. "There are some other matters I need to deal with right now. I suggest we discuss further details in the morning. Until then you're all welcome to stay here as our guests. Is there anything you need right now?"

"Not from you," he answers. "But with your approval we like to set up our camp a mile or so outside of this one. I might look quite different these days, but as I'm told, this one doesn't." He looks at Magna, who's been standing next to him this whole time, and lays his hand upon her shoulder. "We're willing to help, but we really like to stay away from the fuss you're most likely about to create."

Lexa gets up, smooths out her clothes and takes a small step forward. "I understand. Believe me, Aden, I _really_ do. I propose Raven walks with you, so that you can make a plan together. We can meet again at sunrise?"

"Sure," he mumbles.

Magna and Raven both turn to make their way out, surprisingly enough without any comment, and I expect him to do the same, but he lingers. Lexa furrows her brows.

"Is there anything else?"

"Well, I- I know I can't tell you what to do, but..." He takes a deep breath. "I'd prefer if you called me Jesus."

She gazes at him, a bit startled, and with a hint of embarrassment. "Of course! I- I'm sorry, I-"

He holds up his hand, and though it's hard to tell because of his facial hair I even think he's showing her a smile - though the weakest in its kind. "It's okay."

He bobs his head, then turns around and follows the others outside before Lexa can apologize to him once again. I step closer to her, just to check up on her, but the rollercoaster continues before I can even ask her how she's holding up: right when Indra is about to shoot the first of her many questions, Bellamy comes in.

"Clarke!" he exclaims, making not just me, but all of us look at him, "Finally! Back at last!"

Ignoring everyone else he swiftly strolls towards me. I meet him halfway and we embrace, which feels familiar and awkward at the same time. Finding out about Monty's new found planet and deciding we actually wanted to work together to make it work down here, for _all_ our people, we kind of left everything that happened in the bunker as well as the valley behind us - though with many things unsaid, and history still lingering between us.

Eventually, only time will tell if we can really get past it.

"I knew it, even before going back to the ground. I knew you'd take off again sooner or later," he sighs when our eyes meet again, "I was betting on sooner, but I have to admit I would have never guessed it would only take you two minutes."

"Leaving you guys was not exactly my free will," I set him straight, reminding the both of us of my abduction. "But yes, once gone I found some reasons to stay away a little bit longer. Or one reason, I should say. A very good one."

His blank expression tells me he has no clue what - or rather who - I'm talking about. A subtle smirk creeps on my face. "Although I'm glad to see you again, I'm not the one who asked for you, Bellamy."

I step away from him, towards Lexa, and take her hand in mine. Bellamy follows me with his eyes, then moves his gaze to the woman besides me... and starts to blink like a maniac.

"What? No... How's that...? Is this for real?!" he stammers.

I softly squeeze her hand, as if I still need some evidence myself, which she gives me by squeezing mine right back. "It is," I smile, "But don't ask how."

He opens his mouth to ask more questions, but no words come out. As he keeps imitating a fish on the dry Lexa takes another step forward.

"Bellamy Blake, thank you for meeting me. Something tells me Madi hasn't told you I took over from her?"

"She- No, she didn't," he shakes his head. "You're saying that... that you're the Commander again?"

"I am," she nods, "I released Madi from all her duties. But I do like to work with you, since Clarke told me about your leadership qualities and position within this group." Without waiting for his reply she shifts her attention to her prior war chief. "Indra, it goes without saying that I cannot and will not do this without you either."

Indra gives a curt nod of her head. "Heda, I can't comprehend any of what's happening, but I'm here for whatever you need from me. Just tell me your orders."

Letting go of my hand Lexa steps backward again, where she drops to her throne.

"My orders... right."

For a second or two it looks like she can't remember how she got here, let alone what she wants, but then she takes in a sharp breath and straightens her back again. It's in that moment that I see her. The girl I met so many years ago. The girl who knows what she wants. The girl who knows how to get it. And yes, the girl who makes my heart pound and my knees weak, cause _damn_... does she look good!

"For the past few weeks I've been busy exploring," she speaks up, preventing my thoughts from spinning out of control. "It seems like we are currently in no man's land, yet right in between three communities that have some kind of... coalition. Just claiming this land doesn't feel right. It wouldn't make us any better than those Whisperers you effectively defeated. There's a chance here we can be part of the good guys, and I think we should take it."

"How?" Bellamy asks.

"I want to join Jesus and Raven. I will come to Alexandria with them so I can talk to their leader. In the meantime we don't start building here. We don't just assume it's all settled. But we will protect what we have. First of all by defending ourselves from potential enemies from the outside, dead ones as well as living. Indra, I'd like you to take care of that."

Lexa's eyes rest on Indra for a second, before moving back to Bellamy. "And second by managing peace and safety within this diverse, challenging group. In my absence, I'd like to put you in charge there."

"You want me to keep them busy?" Bellamy nods thoughtfully, "I can do that. Although I happen to know that quite a few men and women want to start building."

"They can, just not here. We're not taking anything that's not ours yet."

"Then where would they go?" Indra asks her.

"Anywhere," Lexa shrugs. "Arriving here all together doesn't mean everyone necessarily has to stay together. Each individual has a choice to make. A free choice. Choosing to stay means choosing to be a part of something. A membership, that comes with both rights and duties. Bellamy, while I'm away I want you to talk with everyone, tell them about their options and make them decide. We go from there when I return."

Suddenly looking up her eyes find mine. They lock, and her lips slowly curve into a soft smile. "When _we_ return," she corrects herself.

"You're not going to talk to them yourself?" Bellamy frowns.

I watch her eyes turn a darker shade of green. Her jaw tightens, just enough for me to notice, before she turns to look at him again. She coughs.

"Not right now. I- I'm not-"

"How about the Vaccine?" I jump in, though knowing the answer already since we talked great lengths about it. She quietly thanks me with another smile.

"Right. The other thing I want people to be informed about. Bellamy, if you talk to Niylah she'll tell you all about it. I want to ask the both of you to come up with a system so we can help as many people as possible. Though again: by free choice. I assume you'll need Abby, Jackson and Shaw as well, since this will involve some more space trips. Here on the ground I'm thinking some kind of clinic. Maybe Niylah could run it. Can you ask her?"

Bellamy scratches his head, looking puzzled. The recent developments in space have clearly not reached the earth yet. "S-Sure," he mumbles.

"Good," Lexa states. She resolutely rises from her throne. "It's getting late, let's call it a night for now."

Indra gives another honorific nod. "Of course, you had a long day." She takes a step towards the exit, though without turning her back just yet. "You'll find your bed behind that curtain. You can take your rest there. I'll go and find two men to guard your tent. No one will bother you till sunrise at least."

Lexa thanks her, which Indra takes as a final sign of being dismissed. She turns around and follows Bellamy. When they are both almost at the flap of the tent, I suddenly start moving, catching Gaia who's been waiting for them outside.

"Gaia, wait!" I call for her, "Have you seen Madi?"

She nods. "She's in my tent, sleeping in the bed we originally made for you. Is that alright?"

"Absolutely," I smile, "Can she stay with you for the night? I don't want to wake her, and I know you'll keep her safe."

"Of course," she nods again, before slightly tilting her head. "I uh- I assume you stay here?"

Not able to stop myself I chuckle, which makes me feel like a schoolgirl. "You assumed right," I laugh.

She grins back at me, just for a short moment, then abruptly stops laughing all together. Instead she bows her head to me.

" _Reshop, Wanheda,_ " she says, her gaze now at the ground between us, "I trust you to keep _her_ safe, too." Her words are soft, but not without weight, and as I watch her walk away they remain hanging in the air until I turn around.

... ...

When I get back into our tent I find Lexa standing in the middle of it. She's got her fingers against her chin, almost like a Rodin statue, and her eyes on the impressive wooden chair, ornamented with swords, lances and beautiful curled branches.

"I have to admit that I'm amazed how they pulled this off. It does look an awful lot like my thrown in Polis," she sighs.

I step closer to her, lightly resting my hand against the small of her back. "Is that a bad thing?"

"I don't know," she shrugs, "I guess it's just another reminder of a time I'd rather forget about." She shakes her head to break free from the memories and looks at me with the touch of a smile on her face. "Most parts of it, that is."

The bright images of our shared moments make me mirror her smile.

"It's just that... sitting on a throne, with people kneeling, and me telling them what to do... it doesn't fit me anymore," she goes on, "I can't see the joy in it, and right now it's hard to imagine that I ever did, or more importantly: that I ever will."

"I get that," I nod, "Although I have to say you did look convincing... and pretty damn fine." I let my hand slip from her back to her waist, holding her a little tighter. "Also I don't think it has to be that hopeless. I actually believe we can make you change your perspective a little bit."

She narrows her eyes at me. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I can think of a few ways to - you know - make some things a bit more... attractive again," I wink, before spinning her even more towards me, then muffle her giggle by pressing our lips together.

My tongue seeks hers right away and she answers without any hesitation, hers hot and smooth against mine. It's enough to lose my mind and forget everything around me, but that's the one thing I don't intend to.

I run my hands up her sides, slow but determined, until my fingers find the lapels of her coat. Slipping my hands underneath it I shove it off her shoulders and down her arms till it hits the ground behind her.

When I lower my hands again, stroking her breasts on their way down, she softly moans into my mouth... before suddenly pulling an inch away from me.

"Clarke, what are you doing?"

"Isn't it obvious?" I smile as my hand disappears under the hem of her shirt. Her skin is soft, while the tight muscles of her abdomen feel strong underneath my touch. A lethal combination. "I'm trying to get you naked... to start with."

I move my lips to her neck and suck on her pulse point as soon as I find it. Another moan escapes her, unwillingly as it seems, since it's followed by some muted sounds of grumbling demur. "Someone can walk in," she whimpers, trying but hardly succeeding to contain herself. I chuckle.

"And risking to lose their head? They're not that stupid, you know."

I eagerly drag my mouth back to hers, ecstatic that she welcomes it... but it doesn't stop her just yet. "They- They can hear us!" she murmurs into our kiss.

Not wanting to force her into anything she doesn't want to, I'm about to step back, but right then she raises her arms. I release a giggly sigh and pull her shirt over her head, then peck her lips again. "Then be quiet," I smirk before pulling her into my arms again. She doesn't object any longer, and when I feel how she melts into another kiss I know she's in.

I palm her breasts, swiping my thumbs over her nipples again, teasing them through her bra till they harden - which doesn't take very long. Her exhalation is filled with lust and delight. I start to move, cautiously guiding her backward towards the throne until the back of her knees hit the edge of the seat. Dropping herself down on it, she pulls me along until I'm hovering over her. With my lips still on hers I lower my hands till they reach her waistband.

"Lift your butt," I tell her, my voice now rasp and husky. Holding on to my shoulder she raises up an inch or two. I pull down her pants and panties in one motion. Or two actually, cause you know: boots. Once all garments are tossed to the side I straddle her lap. She brings her arms up around me, her hands now on my back to pull me close.

Sinking down, my lips explore the soft, sensitive skin behind her jaw, while my hand slips into the cup of her bra. Her heart races underneath my touch. I tip my chin, tickling her ear with my breath, and shudder when my name rolls of her lips - deep and low, and telling me I shouldn't move away just yet. I gently nip at her earlobe, grazing it with my teeth, before tracing the shape with my tongue.

Her breathing quickens fast.

"I may be wrong," I gasp, my mouth still close to her ear, "but it looks to me that this chair _does_ get you a little excited."

Lexa draws away, just enough to look at me, but I swiftly close the gap between us again, not giving her the chance to fight me on this. When we finally break apart I look deeply into her eyes. "Now tell me... what are your orders?"

A flush creeps up her face. "My... my orders?"

"Yes," I nod, gently squeezing her breast and rolling the erect nipple between my fingers. "What do you want?"

With her eyes stuck on mine she swallows visibly. "I- I want to feel you. On me... And..." Another swallow. "...inside me."

She doesn't have to tell me twice. Obeying to her words my fingers start to roam her body - trailing from her chest, over her rib cage and her belly, all the way down. When my hand reaches the space between her legs I lean in for another peck, then whisper, "Your wish is my command."

My free hand tangles in her hair, holding her face close to mine. I pull her towards me again, capturing her lips in a hungry, searing series of kisses, while my fingers get lost in her wetness. As I drag them through her folds and over her clit she utters a low moan of approval.

"Now _take_ me," she pleads against my lips.

I do as told, slowly sliding two fingers into her depths. She gasps, and when I start to thrust I can feel the shiver of arousal course through her. The sensation, together with this sight of her, makes my center tight with want. But this is not about me.

I lean in to suck her neck again, then look up at her through my eyelashes when I feel her tighten around my fingers.

"What else can I do for you... _Commander?_ "

The mention of her title makes her groan, yet not in an annoyed or dismissive way. Not even at all! It's a deep, rumbling sound that vibrates from her body to mine. She takes another sharp breath - maybe for some extra confidence, maybe because she's simply out of air? - then answers in a hoarse, but surprisingly steady voice, "I want you to lick me until I come in your mouth."

The corners of my lips curl into a naughty grin and I wiggle my eyebrows.

" _Now,_ " she adds. It's hard to tell if it's a demand or a supplication. And honestly, I don't care.

She holds my gaze as my body slides down hers. When my knees hit the ground I spread her thighs and nestle myself between them. I kiss the inside of her legs, teasingly brushing my lips against the soft skin, while my fingers keep stroking her heat. She whimpers again, effectively persuading me to give into her needs.

As my free hand reaches up, caressing her stomach and the swell of her breast, my mouth replaces my thumb. The touch of the wet warmth makes her quiver in response, and the taste of her arousal brings me close to losing it.

With my tongue swirling against her I increase the pace of my thrusts. Lexa starts to buck against me, her hands now searching for something - anything! - to hold onto. She finds my hair and curls her fingers into it, holding me close.

"Clarke... Clarke... Oh fu-... Clarke," she pants, a little louder every time she calls for me, and quickly making me reach up even higher, reluctantly leaving the touch of her skin. "Clarke, I'm gonna... I'm... I'M-"

The ball of my thumb finds her mouth just in time to avoid a _lot_ of tittle-tattle tomorrow. As she clenches her eyes, her teeth dig deeply into my flesh, preventing her from screaming my name... or worse.

With one hand still close to her lips I gently pull back the other one and watch her as the waves of pleasure and release crests through her body. How is it possible for someone to be this gorgeous and this hot at the same time?

Just when I realize I can look at her like this forever she opens her eyes again. They immediately meet mine. Though still breathless she smiles and pulls my face to hers, bringing our lips together again.

"That was insane," she smirks.

I pull a lopsided grin. "Insane good?"

"Insane great!" she laughs. "Exceptional, outstanding-"

"Okay, okay, I get it," I join her laughter, though a little sheepishly. I've never been good with compliments. "I was just following orders, you know. _Your_ orders. Seems to me you do still remember how to enjoy commanding."

"Huh, guess I do," she shrugs playfully, that devilish smile still on her lips as she winks, "And you sure know how to help reminding me. Including taking a bite!" She takes my hand and soothes the bite mark with her lips.

"Well, you know, sometimes you gotta take one for the team," I murmur, drawing another giggle from her. She shakes her head, showing me the biggest grin.

"Oh Clarke, the things you do for your people!"

With nothing left to say I chuckle and lean in for more kisses, yet I miss her lips as she suddenly shivers.

"Shit, you must be freezing," I exclaim. I quickly scramble to my feet and offer her my hand. "Come on, let's check out that bedroom. See what's behind curtain number one..." She takes my hand and I pull her up from her throne, wrapping my arm around her to share the warmth of my fully clothed body.

Turning the corner we find a queen-size bed covered with thick blankets and heavy fur.

"How?" Lexa sighs, "How did they manage to find all this stuff-"

"-and make it look just like before?" I finish her question in awe.

Still in my arms, she turns towards me. "You tired?"

"Hm," I hum, "Maybe a little. I'm not sure if I want to go to bed though."

A look of confusion overtakes her face. She frowns. "How's that?"

"I don't know," I mumble with my eyes on the floor. "I guess..." I shovel my foot through the dirt, then look up at her. "I guess it just doesn't look very... attractive to me."

"Huh," she breaks into another laugh, "Is that so? Well, we can't have that, can we?"

Her fingers find their way to the zipper of my jacket, pulling it down with a sudden impatience. "Let's see how I can help you with that."

... ...


	24. 24 Lexa - Alicia

**LEXA | ALICIA**

I chickened out. Or actually no, that's not it. It wasn't fear that withhold me.

It was reluctance.

It's still with me. Still in my blood, and in my veins. The Commander part of me. I feel it. I haven't forgotten any of the skills they taught me, nor the insights that were my own even before the spirit of my predecessor chose me - or so I used to believe. I still know how to fight, or to take charge, or to rule. I'm no longer ignoring that part, as that is - in the end - a part of _me_.

I just don't want to show it to three hundred people. Not yet.

Which is why I got up even before sunrise and went to see Indra. Why I told her to speak for me after I'd left for Alexandria. To tell our people about my return, and about the orders I had given them. I will face them, _all_ of them, in about four of five days, when we come back - hopefully as a member of a strong and protecting coalition.

Four or five days. It's not a lot. But I'll take it.

"No warpaint today?"

Magna's voice makes me break my stare from the road in front of me. I tilt my head to look at her. The left corner of my mouth slowly lifts into a slight smirk.

"We're not at war, are we?"

"True," she nods, "Though this doesn't really feel like peace either."

She bops her head towards Jesus, who's walking thirty yards ahead of us. He's talking with Yumiko, seemingly at ease.

We - Clarke, Madi, Raven and me - met them at the crack of dawn. We took the jeep, the one Echo and Raven used when they came for us at Oceanside. According to the washed-out letters on the side it's called _Rover IV_. Clarke told me it's a lot like the one she used to drive. I don't share those memories, but the armored vehicle did bring a smile to my face: it's kind of a mini version of Al's truck. Boy would she love this little clunker!

My smile faded when it turned out the little rust bucket wasn't exactly made for seven people, meaning we were cramped in there and could hardly move for two hours, then completely vanished of my face when we got a flat tire. Of course it turned out that the spare one was flat as well, which left us with no other choice than leave Baby SWAT behind and continue on foot. According to Jesus we were about half way and _could_ make it before the end of the day, as long as we didn't get into any trouble.

This was also the only thing he said to me all morning, and in all honesty: it was addressed to all of us.

"He's here," I point out, though no longer smiling. "That's a start."

"Guess so," she shrugs.

My eyes move back to the road as we keep walking next to each other, a short silence falling between us as our minds travel elsewhere.

"So... how are you, now that it's been a couple of weeks?" I ask at last, looking at her again, "Are _you_ finding some peace?"

She tilts her head to me, her eyes narrow. "Peace with who?"

"With yourself," I gently smile, "With... with Luna."

A sigh slips off her lips. "I'm working on it."

"And how's that going?"

"I don't know. Step by step? I mean, it's a fact right? It's the truth, and it's not gonna change. So in the end it's a matter of acknowledging it. And accepting it, whether I like it or not. Can't move on without taking that step, can we?"

I nod understandingly.

"This might sound weird - though maybe not to you," she goes on, "but the whole thing kinda feels familiar. Like some kind of déjà-vu."

This time I don't follow her. If there's one thing that never happened to either of us before it's this. This... undeniable awareness of a previous life.

"How?" I frown.

Magna stuffs her hands in her pockets before lightly shrugging her shoulders again. "Ya know, like... coming out - to yourself most of all. Just like that, this is all about facing your truth, and accepting it, and... getting comfortable with it as well. Right?" She raises her brows.

I offer her a clumsy smile. "Honestly, I wouldn't really know," I say, almost apologetically. "I didn't had to deal with it. Not _really_ , I mean. The first time around, well you know the world we lived in. Sexuality wasn't even a subject, it was pretty much just... _whatever_ for everyone."

"No biggie," she softly snorts, pulling a face.

"Exactly," I nod, "No one cared. And then, in this do-over..." My voice trails off when for the second time today my thoughts go to Al for a moment. I clear my throat. "Well, okay, yeah, there was some confusion. Or a lot, actually. But mainly because of the unexpectedness. Because of the way those feelings hit me quite out of the blue. But by that time the world was already upside down, and caring about people's orientation seemed to have dropped to the bottom of basically everyone's list so... yeah."

Her eyes bear into mine. "Something tells me this isn't about Clarke?"

Recalling the moment Clarke walked back into my life a sudden chuckle escapes me. "No," I shake my head, "With Clarke there was no time for confusion, or any other thought for that matter. One look, one blink of the eye, was enough to remember who she was, and more of: who she was to me. And with all that, who _I_ was, and who I still am today."

With her eyes back on the horizon she kicks a loose piece of asphalt off the road. "You're lucky," she just mumbles.

A flush of embarrassment creeps up my neck. "Magna, I'm sorry. I- I didn't mean to..." I stammer, "You were telling about you, and I completely took over, and-"

"It's okay," she cuts me off, flashing me a small crooked smile to reassure me that it really is. "I like hearing what you've been up to. What life has been for the _you_ I don't know, the _you_ that must be in there somewhere. You're choosing a different path than me, or Jesus, and you can. You're free to. But..."

"What?"

"Nothing." She shakes her head. "I'm just glad you're not forgetting that you're more than you used to be. You're not just Lexa. Alicia's experiences, her thoughts and feelings, they deserve to exist. Alicia _deserves_ to exist."

Not answering right away I let her words sink in. "I know," I quietly nod at last.

Our eyes meet again and with a smile wider than before she winks. "Good."

"Seriously though, enough about me," I snigger, before quickly wiping the unfitting grin of my face, "You're saying your journey was more complicated?"

"Afraid so," she moans, "Think all the classic tropes. Disapproving parents, lonely struggle, acting out behavior... Not the most original story, really."

"But your story nonetheless," I sigh, before lightly nudging her with my shoulder, "Thank you for sharing it."

She answers me by poking back at me, twice as hard, and almost making me trip over my own feet. When I regain my balance I look at her again.

"Did you work it out? With your parents I mean?"

Without facing me she shoves her hands even deeper into her pockets. For a second she looks like she's trying to comfort herself, but then she suddenly straightens her back, looking as fierce as ever.

"Not exactly," she answers, "I ended up in jail before we got the chance. Not much later hell broke loose and... well, here we are. With everyone dead, except for us."

A thousand more questions come to mind, but I feel like overstepping by asking her even one of them. Instead my eyes follow her gaze, that's now resting on Yumiko.

"You didn't just survive, Magna. You made it through. You really found yourself, somewhere along the way. And above that, in some miraculous way, you found Miko, too. In a god-forbidden place like this. That's something!"

She laughs at me.

She laughs like she laughed when we caught a rabbit and sneaked the poor thing into our dorm back in Polis. She laughs like that time when we fooled her brother into believing that all military horses were gonna be replaced by two-headed deer. Or the time we ditched Titus' boring history class to build a raft at the nearby lake, one that sank right in the middle of it - which I still believe was her favorite part of it all. She laughs like she used to laugh when she was my dearest friend. My Luna.

"It is, isn't it?" she smirks, "Though truth be told we met shortly before the outbreak."

My forehead wrinkles as I attempt to solve the unspoken riddle. "She... was in jail, too?" I try, drawing another laugh from her.

"Worse," she grins, "She was my lawyer! My fresh-out-of-law-school lawyer. Trying yet not succeeding to get me out. At least not till everyone around us started dying and she showed up in that hellhole to take me with her without asking anyone's permission - mainly because there was no one to ask anymore."

She tells her story like it's one big joke, but remembering my own experiences all too well it doesn't take much to imagine how incredibly scary surviving an overrun prison must have been, especially in those early days when nobody really knew what was happening, or what to do. It's been over ten years though, and the lived horrors of those days can handle the lighter tone by now.

"She continues to deny it, but I strongly suspect that she created the virus herself just to get me out. You know, since those courthouse idiots wouldn't listen to her," she laughs, and I can't help but chuckle along. Right then Yumiko looks over her shoulder to check on her girlfriend, smiles at her, then turns her eyes to the road in front of her again. The small yet intimate moment between them is contagious, making me do the same.

I spin around, meeting Clarke's eyes straight away while stepping backwards without slowing down. Hers light up, and I feel my whole face doing the same. We don't say anything, and not just because we're too far away from each other. We just don't need to.

Turning back I peek at Magna again. "And now you're here. Standing strong, albeit with a whole new reality to deal with." My gaze flickers from her to Yumiko. "Have you told her any of it?"

She heaves another sigh, more heavy than before. "I want to," she quietly answers. She's not laughing anymore. "I really, really do. If I could think of _any_ way how to make her believe all this. But I can't. There's no explanation, except the explanation that I've gone completely bonkers."

I nod without a word. It's the exact same reason why I didn't say anything to Strand, or Al, or any of the others. This is just beyond reason.

"There's not even some half-truth I can come up with," she goes on, "And I can't say nothing either, things are too weird for that. With meeting you, and following you around not once, but twice now. So I lied. I lied to the one person I shouldn't lie to. Told her you're my second cousin, including that bullshit story we told Strand about your two names. I should be glad that she's buying it, but s-"

"WALKERS!"

Jesus' alarming voice makes us both jump into action within less than a breath. Scanning my surroundings I briefly glance over my shoulder, relieved to see that his warning reached Clarke, Madi and Raven too. They're already running towards us, quickly closing the distance in between.

At the same time Jesus and Yumiko move backwards, away from the group of Walkers that keep making their way out of the bushes near the road where they'd just been walking - their weapons already at hand. I grasp at my hip for my barrel, only to remember it's not there anymore, then reach behind my back for my sword.

"Stay back!" I tell the others, and Madi in particular, although she's already drawn her own sword, looking like she's ready to slice some brains. We all turn around, only to catch more movement at that side of the road.

"At least ten more," I inform Jesus, who's now almost with us, "We're outnumbered!"

"What do we do?" Raven's voice is shaking, and I realize this must be her first real encounter with the living dead. I swiftly hand her my second sword.

"We fight," I tell her.

And so we do.

With two loudly gasping and grasping hordes coming towards us from either side we have no other choice than to split up.

Magna, Madi and I face the Walkers coming from the north. Clarke, Raven and Jesus focus on the ones attacking from the south. Yumiko, in the meantime, shoots her arrows in every direction needed; north, south, and soon also west, as a bunch of Walkers start to show up from there, too. The only relatively safe side is on our east... but that's only because there's an abyss.

I lift my sword above my head. It's heavy, way heavier than my gun barrel, but somewhat to my surprise it feels just as familiar. The grip fits my hand as if it's made for it, and when I swing it down it cuts through the air like I trained for this my whole life - which I guess I did.

I'm not the only one who knows how to handle a sword though. Before I get the chance to strike, Madi suddenly passes me and beheads the first Walker in her path. When he goes down two others appear from behind him. We don't hesitate: as soon as they take another step towards us their ugly heads hit the concrete; one by my sword, the other by Madi's.

"Damn!" Magna swears out loud, as she kicks a third one down with her boot. She shoots me a quick glance. "Sure she's not yours?"

We keep making our way forward, stabbing even more biters through their skulls, when I hear Jesus shout again, "The head! Aim for the head!"

"You guys okay?" I cry out over my shoulder while pulling back my bloodstained weapon to stab it deep into yet another staggering corpse. When nobody answers I take the risk to turn around.

The four of them are spread out, a little too much for my liking. They're fighting off anything that comes towards them. Yumiko and Raven are still on the road, but Clarke and Jesus are now both on the small field next to it, taking down every Walker that stumbles out of the woods. They seem in control, but the dead ones keep coming and coming.

"Go!" Magna yells. "We take the last ones over here!"

I'm already running.

"Save your bullet, I've got this one," Jesus tells Clarke when I'm almost with them. Avoiding some nasty jaws he breaks the guy's neck with his bare hands, showing me he's still got those skills I once taught him - and then some. There's no time to watch him though. Five more Walkers appear.

I step towards them and take two of them down with my sword. Clarke shoots the other three, creating a pile of fallen cadavers. We stand motionless, our gaze fixed on the tree line, until we're sure that no more Walkers appear. That's when we finally look at each other.

A death silence has fallen over us.

It's over. We got them all.

We quickly rejoin the others on the road. Just like us, everyone is covered in blood and other grossness, leaning on either their knees or each other, and trying to catch their breath.

"That- That was..." Panting heavily, Raven stands up straight and looks around her, her eyes gliding over dozens of corpses all around us. "...surreal!"

Yumiko squints her eyes. "Wait, you're saying you've nev-"

"Madi, watch out!"

Clarke's chilling shriek makes me turn around, right in time to watch her take a huge leap towards Madi. She pushes her backwards, away from one of the Walkers on the ground, one that somehow survived and now tries to grab her feet. Madi tumbles to the middle of the road before he gets a hold on her, but the force of the back pressure makes Clarke struggle with her balance. She stumbles, trips over her feet...

...and disappears into the abyss.

"Clarke!" I scream, yet her cry drowns out mine.

I run to the edge and peek over it, relieved to see that it's not too deep and she's all alone down there. But the feeling doesn't last long. The painful grimace on her face tells me something is wrong - _very_ wrong.

Without giving it a second thought I hand my sword to Magna and lower myself down in the abyss. As I carefully slide down - using rocks and roots to keep from falling - the loose dirt sticks to the blood on my hands and clothes. I couldn't care less.

"Clarke," I exhale once again as soon as I'm with her, "What's going on? Did you hurt yourself?"

She whimpers and moves her hands to her knee, yet winces the moment she touches it. "It's my leg," she groans. "I think I broke it."

... ...


	25. 25 Clarke

**CLARKE**

"You broke it? Are you sure?!" Her eyes widen with panic and concern.

"Pretty sure," I grumble through my teeth, "I heard a crack."

Moving close she shoves her hands underneath the leaves around me, frantically running her fingers through the dirt. "Maybe it was a branch," she pants.

"Lex," I moan, as another shot of pain shoots through my body, "it wasn't a branch."

She holds still and her eyes find mine again. I take her hand and direct it to my shin, right below my knee. Her hand hovers over it, holding back, until I give her a small, encouraging nod. That's when she touches me, hesitant and impossibly light. I bite my teeth nonetheless.

"You feel that bump? That's my bone."

She withdraws her hand like she just burned it. Or maybe because she's afraid she'll burn me with it. Her face twists. I know that look. She can deal with pain like no other. She can cause it without a blink, too. But seeing it in the eyes of a loved one... that always kills her.

"I need to get out of here," I tell her. I know I'm stating the obvious, but forcing us to come up with some plan feels like the only way to keep it together right now.

"Y- Yeah," she stammers, glancing around, and then up. The abyss is about eight feet deep. Madi, Raven and Jesus are standing on the edge, looking down on us - their faces as worried as Lexa's. "Can you move? Except for your leg, I mean?" she asks.

I answer her by sitting up a little, which I can't do without making my leg move as well. I wince, trying to fight the sharp sting of tears behind my eyes.

"I'm afraid I have to," I breathe. "I can't stand though, or walk in any way."

"It's not that far anymore. Less than two miles." Looking at us over his shoulder, Jesus carefully lowers himself down. "I can carry you, but I can tell you: it's gonna hurt."

Lexa takes my hand and squeezes it tight. Her eyes move down my body again. "We need to secure your leg."

I open my mouth to answer, but before I can say anything, I am distracted by the sound of a thud right next to me. I turn my head to look at my side. It's a leg brace.

"Raven!" I exclaim. Looking up I catch her sitting on the ground, leaning on her palms to peek over the edge. "I- I can't take that. You won't be able to-"

"Shut up, will you," she briskly cuts me off. "You're attracting Frankenstein's pets."

"But you can't walk without your brace," I keep protesting. "Let's just... find some sticks, or something."

Raven's sigh is so loud I can hear it all the way down here. "Lexa, can you like... work your magic and keep her quiet for a sec. I'm serious, I'm done fighting these creeps. Just secure that leg and get her to Alexandria. Once there one of you can make a run and bring it back to me."

"She's right, you can't waste time now." It's Magna, appearing in my field of vision with Yumiko right behind her. "We will stay with Raven," she states, continuing in a softer tone when she notes the concern in my eyes, "We'll keep her safe."

I exhale, then nod a go-ahead to Lexa. She picks up Raven's brace and carefully fixates my leg with it.

"We might need to get you something to bite on," Jesus remarks as he watches my face contorts by her touch.

"I'm fine," I lie, "Just... let's get this over with."

He nods and steps closer, taking Lexa's place. "Alright. Just know this first part will be hell. Your weight won't be such a problem, but I need both hands to climb out of here. Which means I have to carry you on my back, with you holding on to me."

For some reason I suddenly think of the immense radio tower I once had to climb. I might not have been injured back then, but I remember it being a hell of a job for my arms.

"I can handle it," I tell him as much as myself.

He turns around and lowers himself, while Lexa helps me up and onto his back. As soon as he feels my arms around his neck he moves to the rather steep slope of the abyss, grabs one of the roots sticking out from the dirt and starts pulling himself up.

The pain in my leg as we move is excruciating and I'm on the verge of screaming, which I know will cause a whole lot of new problems, so instead I hold on even tighter - almost strangling Jesus in his way up. I'd tell him sorry if I could only remember how to form words.

I can tell he's strong, but that he's struggling nevertheless, with the loose sand slipping underneath his feet. But he's not alone in this. Once halfway he meets the reaching hands of Magna and Yumiko, who are both lying flat on their stomachs. With their help the second part goes slightly smoother, and half a minute later we're back on the road.

Lexa swiftly follows and helps me off Jesus's back, together with the others. They give him a few seconds to catch his breath, then cautiously hand me over to him again. Holding me like a groom who's about to carry his bride across the threshold he turns around and starts to walk.

Alexandria's doorstep is waiting.

Madi and Lexa make sure to stay close, one of them on each side of us and with their swords still at the ready in case more problems show up. Fortunately though we're spared this time.

After what feels like forever, yet probably not more than thirty minutes later, we reach the outer wall of a settlement that actually looks like a small village. I can see the roofs of stone build houses, and even the blades of a windmill. The welcome sign next to the gate tells us that we have reached a so-called Safe Zone, which feels reassuring, yet the facial expression of the woman that's coming to meet us is not exactly inviting - although I can't really blame her, considering we're covered in blood and two of us are still swinging their swords.

They must share my thoughts, since they both quickly lower them down as the woman draws closer.

"God, you've been saving damsels in distress again?" she moans as soon as she's with us.

"Let's keep my dear father out of it," Jesus replies. His bright laughter surprises me. It doesn't just tell me he might actually get us in without too much trouble, it's also the very first time I actually hear it. "It's good to see you too, Rosita," he goes on with a smile in his voice.

She cocks her head and narrows her eyes. "So who did you bring?"

"These are Clarke, Lexa and Madi. They are-" He hesitates for a moment. "They are old acquaintances of mine. They've been staying at Oceanside for a while, but are now escorting yet another friend of theirs. Some girl who wants to meet Eugene."

An unexpected chuckle falls of her lips. "Voluntarily?!"

Jesus laughs along. "What, isn't he your friend?"

"He sure is, but only because I know his instructions." Her eyes move to me. "So what's up with you?"

"I broke my leg, about two miles back," I answer with great difficulty. By now even talking hurts.

She just nods, before looking at Jesus again.

"Is Siddiq around?" he asks her.

"Let's find out," she answers, already turning around, yet continuing over her shoulder, "No weapons though. You can all leave them at the gate for now."

We follow Rosita through the gate, where we hand over our weapons to one of the guards. I really want to find out more about this place, since it looks surprisingly appealing, but right now I feel I just need to lay down. Thank god they don't decide to linger.

As we make our way to this Siddiq-guy I learn he's the doctor in town, and when we get there we're in luck as he's actually at home. He leads us into his office, where Jesus gently lays me down on the examination table. He doesn't give himself a well-deserved break though. As soon as the brace comes off my leg, he picks it up and steps backwards. "I'm off getting the others," he tells Lexa on his way out. "Don't worry, she's in good hands here."

He's gone before we can even say bye... or thank you.

"What's your name?"

I turn my head to the man standing next to me. He's got a pair of scissors in his hand, but doesn't move just yet.

"Clarke," I groan in response.

"I'm Siddiq," he says, "Can I take a look?" Clenching my jaw I force myself to nod. I watch him as he starts to cut open my pants. He has an olive-colored skin, brown almond-shaped eyes and a warm smile. I decide to like him straight away.

When my leg is fully exposed he looks up again. "So, what happened exactly?"

Not sure how to deal with the whole talking part any longer I draw in a deep breath. Right then Lexa comes to my rescue. She steps closer. "She tripped and fell into an abyss," she explains on my behalf, "About seven or eight feet deep. She thinks she broke her leg. There." She points at the large, bruised swelling below my knee, then takes my hand. "Right?"

I just nod, squeezing her hand as Siddiq starts to examine my leg.

"I can't make any x-rays, but by the looks of it I think you're right. Your skin is still intact, which is good, but that doesn't mean you didn't hurt yourself." He tilts his head, his eyes moving between the two of us. "Looks like a greenstick fracture to me."

"Can you fix it?" Lexa asks.

Siddiq looks pensive. "Well, I can set it and put a splint on. Give you some pain medication for the first days. But it's mainly up to you. Your leg's gonna need rest - a lot of it. Four weeks at least, though probably six. Which means that whatever your plans are, you can most likely forget about them."

"Six weeks," Lexa gasps. "But we need to get back. People are waiting for us!"

"Well, I can't talk for you and the kid, but Clarke here really shouldn't travel," he shrugs.

As I let his words sink in, I instinctively tighten my grip on Lexa's hand. Our eyes meet.

"We're not splitting up," she tells me as well as him.

He lifts his shoulders again.

"Alright. Guess you're gonna have to stay here then." He gives a brief flicker of a smile. "That is, if they'll have you."

... ...


	26. 26 Raven

**RAVEN**

Dr. Eugene Porter is a rather big guy, but other than that he looks to me like he won't hurt a fly - or at least he doesn't like to. He has a soft expression in his eyes and his braid makes him look a little goofy, but as soon as we start talking about the research I've set my hope on, I realize I should not underestimate this man's brain.

As I tell him about the nightblood and how it seems to work as a vaccine for the virus they've been dealing with for far too long now, he listens with great interest and asks me the right kind of questions. The _way_ he formulates them, well yeah, that's kind of... special. But I do get the feeling that this man might actually be able to help.

"Long story short," I wrap up my introduction, "I want to learn more. And for that I'm looking for some kind of lab, and a sparring partner to work with. Would that be something you're interested in?"

Without giving it a second thought, he nods. "That would be an affirmative, Miss. Strictly speaking I am no biologist, but if you have no qualms to that, I believe my gained knowledge on the matter should be sufficient to assist you on this scientific quest."

"Great!" When I flash him a smile, he doesn't smile back, and I immediately wonder if he knows how to. "So, how about that lab?"

I take a look around me. This place is the nicest I've seen since we hit the ground, but it doesn't even reach the size of a small village. It's a neighborhood at most, and it's hard to imagine an actual lab around here. On the other hand, things could be hidden underground. It's not that I've neven seen that before.

"If a laboratory is what you're promised, I need to disillusion you. I can't offer you no such workplace. I do however know where to find one, up in DC. That's the nearest city from here," he adds, explaining. "I found it a while back during a scavenger hunt. It's all there, from small equipment to computers and big machineries. I can't tell you if things still work though, since the place has been without electricity for years."

"But you've got power here, don't you?"

"Some, yes," he nods, his face still stoic, "But not enough for these kind of apparatus."

I narrow my eyes. "So you left it all there?"

"The big stuff, yes. But I did bring some implements that can help us make a start. A microscope, for instance. And pipettes and test tubes. Some flasks, beakers and cylinders. Sundry liquids and acids. A pH meter and some other limited-sized gadgetry. A Bunsen bur-"

"You carried all that here with you?" I interrupt him, feeling like he could go on forever if I don't.

He shrugs. "I am a big fellow. I carry a big backpack."

"I bet your friends weren't too happy with your choices!"

"They were not, Miss. The kids liked that burner though." Wait, is that the hint of a smile? Nah, probably not. "Until we were out of marshmallows."

He clears his throat. "Anywise, with your consent I would like to take a better look at the atypical blood you mentioned. It simply cannot look different from the outside alone."

For a moment my mind goes to the Flame, that's burning in my pocket and about to scream my name, now that I know there are computers somewhere within reach. I haven't told Dr. Porter about this part just yet, as I want to keep my promise to Lexa, and I have to agree that I share his curiosity about nightblood. It really wouldn't be the worst start.

"We would need multiple samples, since there might be multiple blood types around - just like regular blood," he goes on, drawing my attention back to him. "How many sources do you have available?"

"Right now?" Frowning, I make the count in my head. Lexa, Clarke, Madi and I are all Nightbloods nowadays. Magna and Jesus used to be. I would really love to see how their blood looks like these days though. To find out if there are still some traces from before, deeply hidden in their cells maybe. "Four," I answer him, "Maybe six."

"And everyone wants to cooperate?"

"I... don't know, actually," I answer him. I lean back in my porch chair and stare ahead, thinking about his question, and the fact that I haven't asked any of them yet. Not that I don't expect any issues with Madi, Clarke or Lexa, or even Magna, who's been very helpful so far. But Jesus seems a bit off at times, and after hearing about his history it's not hard to sympathize with him, or his choices. I shake my head, snapping myself out of my thoughts, and abruptly jump up.

"Only one way to find out, right?"

... ...

A little to my surprise and a lot to my relief everyone agrees to give us some of their blood, including Jesus. As long as we can do it right away, since he wants to return to Hilltop first thing in the morning.

As there is still some time and Dr. Porter has all the equipment we need, this is no problem. We get our six samples, and decide to start our research first thing in the morning.

I spend the rest of the night settling in the house Lexa arranged for us - apparently without any difficulties, since she basically only had to inform the people in charge that it was actually our group that defeated the Whisperers. Of course they wanted to know more, and I know for sure Lexa wanted to negotiate about a lot more as well, but those things could all wait. After all, it's been a long day, and besides, she has a girlfriend to take care of.

The next morning, after at least ten hours of sleep in some pretty comfy beds, Jesus and Magna leave Alexandria as planned, and I go to look for my new co-worker. We work side by side for hours, not stepping one foot outside our 'lab'. It isn't until Madi comes to get me for dinner that I realize the sun is setting again already, and I can't remember to have worked this focused since the days I spent in Becca's lab.

But enough is enough. There's more in this world than science.

"So what have you been up to all day?" I ask Madi as I close the door behind me and we start our way home together.

Home.

I do like the sound of that.

"I met some of the people who live here," she answers me. "Some are actually my age. Or well, kind of." I briefly look at her and our eyes meet. Hers are laughing, and I realize I haven't seen her this happy and at ease in a long time. Maybe never.

"That's great," I smile. "What did you do?"

"Not that much. I needed to be at the house, for Clarke. Lexa had another meeting all afternoon. Turns out they have some kind of council here."

"Sounds official. And also like a _lot_ of debating and parleying. You miss being part of that yet?"

I look at her again, right when she lightly jumps of the sidewalk and back on it.

"Are you kidding me?" she laughs. "There's a girl here who owns a katana. We're gonna draw swords tomorrow. You know how much better that is than talking politics!?"

Without slowing our pace, I nudge her with my shoulder. "To me, everything is!"

We reach our front door and step inside, where the smell of diner welcomes us. The very, very nice smell. I raise my brows. "Who cooked?"

"I did," Lexa answers from behind us. I turn around, right when she steps out of the kitchen. My eyes widen.

"You?"

"Does that surprise you?" She folds her arms and cocks her head, lifting the corner of her mouth just a bit. I _think_ that she's joking, but I do feel a little intimidated nonetheless.

Subconsciously I mirror her pose. "You didn't strike me as a housewife, that's all."

"Well, to be honest, I did use my dagger to cut the tomatoes," she grins, and I can't help but laugh.

"There you go," I chuckle. "It smells delicious, by the way."

She thanks me by showing me another smile, then turns around to return to the kitchen. "Now let's hope that's how it tastes as well," she says over her shoulder, before pointing at a pile of plates. "Can you bring these to Clarke? We're eating in the living, so she doesn't have to leave the couch."

I pick up four plates and some cutlery and make my way to the living room, where Clarke is indeed installed on the sofa.

"How are you?" I ask her, while setting the coffee table.

"Still in pain and now also bored," she groans. She sits up without moving her leg, then gives me some kind of half-smile. "But, also grateful to be here. Did you see the food Lexa got for us?"

I sit down in one of the fauteuils. "Not yet. But my nose tells me it's good."

"Oh, it's good! Fresh vegetables, huge potatoes, and even some meat," she cheers. "It comes with a price though."

"We gotta pay for it? With what?!"

"With helping out. Just like we had to do in Oceanside," she explains, although I know squat about Oceanside.

I narrow my eyes. "You're saying we're getting jobs?"

"We're getting jobs?" Madi - hopping down the stairs to join us - jumps in before Clarke can answer me.

"You don't," Clarke sets her straight. "You're actually going to school as long as we're staying here. Turns out there are about twenty kids in Alexandria, and they've got someone teaching them."

Madi shoots up straight again. "But I was gonna-"

"There's no discussion here, Madi," Clarke cuts her off.

My eyes find Madi's and I wink at her. "Still happy?" I whisper.

Her grumble is drowned out by Lexa's entry. She's holding a large pan. "I hope everyone likes stew," she says from behind the steam rising from it.

We fill our plates and quickly dig in.

"Okay," I gasp, my mouth still half full, and pointing toward my plate with my fork, "this is really good. And I'm not just saying that because I once had to eat algae for six years straight!"

We eat in silence for a little while, until I break it again once my plate is almost empty. "So about those jobs... you guys know I came here for science, right? Which is also kind of job. One that's actually about our future."

"I know," Lexa nods, shifting forward to refill our plates with the leftover stew without asking. "But with Clarke being unable to get up and Madi in school, I had to assent with you helping out at least a few hours a day."

"Doing what?"

"Making sure we don't run out of tomatoes," she grins. "You're now officially part of the kitchen garden staff."

"I'm- I'm what?!" I exclaim, trying to ignore Clarke and Madi's laughter. "I don't know anything about gardening! I'm from space, remember? I'm serious, there must be other jobs around. Don't they have a mechanic who needs a hand?"

Lexa shakes her head. "I'm sorry," she says, though she clearly isn't.

"Look at it this way," Clarke hiccups, wiping the tears from her eyes. "At least you'll be getting your hands dirty again!"

"You're all having way too much fun about this," I mutter. "Just don't come crying to me when I ruin every carrot out there!"

Clarke stretches her arm to put her now empty plate back on the table, which makes her wince for a short second - imagine she would ask any of us for any help - and looks up at me. "Raven, you'll be fine. There are plenty of people out there who can tell you what to do."

I set my plate on top of hers, then drop myself backwards in my chair. "Ordering me around, you mean? Thanks, but no thanks."

"Hey, I can help you. You know, after school," Madi suddenly suggests. "Clarke and I used to have a vegetable garden when we lived in the Valley. I think I remember a thing or two, despite our century-long nap."

I crack a smile, not able to keep up my grumpy act any longer. "Thanks kiddo, but I need you to go and have some fun. Try out that ke- ka-... that sword you talked about."

Lexa shifts in her seat. "You met Michonne's kid?" she asks Madi.

Madi nods. "I did. Her name is Judith. You know her mom?"

"Yeah, I do," Lexa nods as well, "She's on the council. I just joined her security team." She turns to look at me. "Unless you want to trade?"

I open my mouth to answer her, but don't get the chance, as the sound of someone knocking on our front door, followed my some immediate footsteps, makes us all look at the hallway. It's Dr. Porter.

I stand up to meet him halfway. "What's going on? Is there something wrong?"

"Why would there be?" he asks, sounding just as befuddled as me.

No able to help myself I pull a face. "Uhm, I don't know, maybe because you're storming in here like there's a huge fire somewhere?"

His face flushes. "Forgive my manners, Miss. I just wanted to share some results with you."

"Please, just call me Raven," I tell him, while trying to ignore the chuckles behind me once again. "And it's okay. Just... take a chair, tell me what you found."

He does as told and joins us around the small table.

"Well, it's not a whole lot yet. We are clearly dealing with very complicated matter, and I'm going to need a lot more time to fully understand it. But what has already been shown is that, just as with known matter, here too are clear traces of kinship. And it's in th-"

"Wait! That... doesn't make any sense," I interrupt him.

"Why not?"

"Because none of our test subjects are related," I tell him, while my mind already starts to race. Was I wrong about this guy? Am I wasting my time here?

A nervous cough escapes him. "I dislike having to disagree on the very first day of our collaboration, but results show us that two of them are. Siblings, to be specific."

When I stay quiet, too perplexed for a moment by this new information, Clarke speaks up.

"Raven, what is he talking about?" she asks me, but Lexa beats me to answer her.

"He's saying two of the six of us are related by blood. Family, so to speak. So the real question should be: _who_ is he talking about?"

Full of anticipation, we all stare at Dr. Porter again. For a moment he just glances back at us. Yet when he seems to realizes we're waiting for his clarification, he quickly goes on. "Oh right, specifics. According to these results we can say with a certainty of one hundred percent that test subjects two and three are sisters."

"Test subjects two and three?" Lexa cries out, "Who the hell are test subjects two and three?!"

I turn around to face her again. It's hard to tell if she looks bewildered or enthusiastic. Maybe it's neither, or maybe it's both?

I take a deep breath.

"Subjects two and three," I slowly answer her, "are you and Madi."

... ...


	27. 27 Lexa - Alicia

**LEXA | ALICIA**

"Test subjects two and three? Who the hell are test subjects two and three?!"

I know I'm close to yelling. Which means I know I'm close to losing control. I hate that.

Taking a sharp breath as if to prepare herself, Raven turns to me. "Subjects two and three..." she answers, "are you and Madi."

I stare at her, wide-eyed and with words sticking in my throat. A thousand thoughts cross my mind, all at once, hitting me like a hurricane. Everyone else keeps quiet, too. As if they're all waiting for me. Even Madi, who's equally concerned with this. Who's my... my...

No!

"This can't be true," I finally manage to say.

"Again, it is," Dr. Porter contradicts me, "Science doesn't lie, Miss."

"Why can't this be true?" Clarke swiftly comes in between. Her voice is slightly raised, telling me she wants to avoid some endless yes-or-no argument, most likely for my sake.

"Because I'm born here, and she-" I start to explain, as my eyes fly between her and the others, until they're suddenly back on the stranger in the room. I falter. "-she's... not."

He leans forward a little, his arms folded and with this blank look on his face I'm not able to read. "I didn't claim you two are twins," he clarifies himself. "You are clearly of different age. Being born on the other side of the world doesn't make you any less-"

"Raven!" I harshly interrupt him, my voice still high and my eyes now deeply boring into hers. She nods, and as she turns towards him I let out a heavy breath, relieved that for once she understands me straight away.

"Dr. Porter, thanks for the update, but I think you'd better go now," she tells him before he gets the chance to continue his explanation. "I'll see you tomorrow at the lab." She gets up as to direct him towards the door. A soft, uncomfortable cough escapes him as he follows her example.

"Of course," he mutters. "I understand. Family matters."

While Raven leads him out, I drop myself backwards onto the fluffy pillows of my fauteuil.

"He's wrong," I say again, yet this time to no one in particular. "There's just no way."

"But-"

"No but, Madi! He doesn't know about the two planets, but we do. We can't ignore that fact. Some things are just not possible."

Not at all to my surprise, Madi jumps up from her chair.

"Right. Like being born a hundred years later and growing into the exact same person you were before!"

"Madi!" Clarke's voice sounds sudden and loud, but her eyes - now locked with Madi's - are calm and searching for understanding.

"I see you guys are still questioning this latest revelation?"

Raven's return in the room makes me look up at her. I watch how she sits back in the seat she just left, seemingly unfazed. I frown. "What? You aren't?"

"You kidding me?" she laughs. "Have you seen the two of you? The way you look, the way you act? Hell, even the way you fight!? The only question I have is why no one came up with this before!"

I heave another sigh. "Raven, I'm born _here_. As Alicia! I simply can not be related to anyone born _there_."

"Well, it looks like you can, since you're clearly made of the exact same DNA as the first time around - the DNA that makes you Madi's family."

"And how do we know that? How do we know it's the exact same?"

She raises her brows, looking as confident as she sounds - which annoys the crap out of me. "Ever looked into a mirror?"

Shaking my head in frustration, I draw in a long breath. "So I kind of look the same-"

"You look exactly the same!" Raven cries out. "At least for the parts I've seen."

I open my mouth to fight her, but Clarke beats me. She clears her throat, making us both look at her.

"Yeah, I can tell you that's also the matter for those parts you haven't seen. Head to toe, and literally every inch in between," she quietly adds, not able to hide a little sparkle in her eyes, and making Madi cover her ears.

"Ugh, gross!" she exclaims, drawing another loud laugh from Raven.

I'd chuckle along if I wasn't this worked up about all this. Instead I focus on Raven again, not willing to give up this easily. "There are differences, you know. I lost some marks-"

"Like what? Scars? Tattoos?"

"To start with, yes."

She perks up and slides forward on her chair, laying her hand on the armrest of mine. "Lexa, you know those things have nothing to do with your DNA. You just gained them along the way."

My gaze lingers on her hand for a moment, until I break it to look at Clarke again. She shrugs her shoulders, like she's telling me she doesn't know either.

But I'm not finished.

"Alright, then tell me this," I go on, my eyes back on Raven. "You're saying I'm born with the exact same DNA. Fine, let's say I am. Yet the blood, and thus the DNA, you've been examining is the blood I received from Madi. Or whoever my particular donor was. It's not mine. In fact, when you look into it, I bet we're _all_ related now."

Boom! Checkmate!

Raven doesn't blink though. "You're right," she speaks up after a few seconds of silence. Of course I knew that already, which is why I'm about to smug at her, but right then she strikes again. "The first couple of days after the transfusion that would be the case. Based on our blood we'd all be related. But you're just thinking about the white blood cells. The red blood cells don't carry DNA. And _then_ there's the fun fact of our bodies producing new blood cells after the transfusion, containing our original DNA. So by this time-"

"Okay, I'm officially lost!" Madi cries out as she steps forward and takes a seat on the coffee table, her eyes flicking between Raven and me. "No more jokes. And _pleeeaase_ no more scientific blabla. Just the truth... Are we really sisters?"

After one more look at me, Raven gently pats the kid's knee, then slowly nods. "You really are."

"That's so cool!" Madi cheers. Her face lights up with an enormous smile. "Lexa, isn't that-"

"No, it's not!" I snap as I get up from my seat; agitated, and no longer able to control my restless body. "It's not cool, Madi. It's not... it's..."

"Alright, you two, out! Now!"

Clarke's voice makes me spin around again. Her eyes aren't on me though.

"What? Why?" Raven questions her.

Clarke sits up more straight, trying to ignore the pain she's clearly experiencing. The pain even we can't ignore, as it's clouding her face with every move.

"Because this one is about to storm out and I'm not able to follow her. So you have to go," she tells her friend, before continuing in a softer tone, "You too, Madi. We'll talk more soon. I promise."

Both Raven and Madi get up without any further discussion, which feels like a first, and leave us alone. When we hear the sound of the door falling behind them and the house is quiet again, Clarke speaks up.

"I don't care if you sit with me or keep pacing around, but I need you to listen."

I choose the latter, but as I keep stepping through the room my eyes do find hers. I shortly nod. She's got my attention.

"You can not talk to Madi like that," she starts in a calm, yet stern voice.

I abruptly stand still. I don't know why, but with everything going on in my head I just didn't expect this to be about Madi. Which was wrong, I realize now, since this is of course just as much about her as it is about me.

"You hurt her. You're so caught up on yourself you didn't even notice. But you completely dismissed her, and her feelings," Clarke goes on.

I did, didn't I?

"I'm sorry," I mumble, "I'll fix it. I will."

Another silence falls upon us. With my eyes stuck on the floor I bite my lip, not able to move any more, except for shifting my weight from one leg to the other. I can hear how Clarke exhales, but it doesn't make me look up.

"What's going on?" she quietly asks.

I don't answer her, and except for digging my teeth even more into my bottom lip I don't move. I simply don't remember how to.

"Please talk to me," she pleads, "Tell me what's upsetting you." Her voice sounds more and more desperate. The fact that she can't get to me must be killing her. I don't want that. I don't want her to feel this way.

I make myself walk over to her and take a seat on the edge of the couch right by her side. As soon as I do she takes my hand in hers. I swallow, then finally manage to break my silence.

"Who am I?" I ask her.

A small frown creases her forehead. "Is that a philosophical question?"

"No, a real one. A serious one," I answer her. "Both you and Luna keep reminding me that I'm not just Lexa. _'What about Alicia? Don't forget about Alicia...'_ Like that's really necessary. Like I could actually forget for even a second who I used to be, and who I still am. Who my parents are. Who my brother is."

Her frown grows deeper. "Okay. So, then why this question?"

"Because... Because what's left of all that if that DNA theory is true? If I don't share anything with my parents, or with Nick? Who does that make me? Except for a girl who lived a long time ago, and now got a do-over with a different name?"

She squeezes my hand. A reassuring gesture, as she must be aware that my breathing is rapidly quickening.

"Hey, your DNA doesn't make you any less of their daughter. Madison and Stephen _are_ your parents. They raised you, cherished you, took care of you. Sweetie, Alicia is not just a name. Alicia is _you_ , and you are you because of _them_. Not because of anything that happened to you a lifetime ago."

I sigh. "I don't want to deny them."

"You don't have to," she quietly assures me. Her thumb starts to stroke the back of my hand; gently, but with enough pressure to distract me from my racing heart.

"Then why does it feel like it," I whisper. "Why does it feel like I let them down if I accept Madi as my sister. If I accept not being half hers, and half his?"

Clarke shakes her head. "I don't know," she answers truthfully, "Your feelings are not mine to explain. I just know you're not letting anybody down. You didn't choose any of this."

"I didn't, huh? That's funny actually, cause it sure feels to me like my entire life is about choices." Noting the sudden sarcasm in my own voice I avert my eyes from her, mumbling a quick apology beneath my breath. She's really trying to understand and deserves a lot more than this.

"You want to know who you are?" she goes on like nothing just happened. "You are Lexa kom Trikru. And you are also Alicia Clark. You are a former army commander, trying to unite the world. And you are also a former high school student, trying to survive the end of the world. You are a loyal friend. To Luna, to Indra, to Al, to Strand. To anyone _you_ know deserves your support, and your friendship." She squeezes my hand again, making me look at her. "You are the love of my life. You are Nick's sister - and he will always, _always_ be your brother. Nothing that happened in the past hour can change that. You hear me?"

The lump in my throat forces me to just nod.

"The only thing that changed is the knowledge that now you have a sister, too. And I don't know if you've noticed yet..." she goes on, as her lips curl into the smallest grin, "but she's pretty great. Which, to me, makes perfect sense." She leans towards me, as if to share a secret, ignoring her own discomfort once again, "She really does look like her big sis."

A light chuckle falls from my lips, despite my confusion and the heavy sack of emotions. "Wow, you're sure you don't wanna take some credits there?"

"Not today," she winks, and for a moment we just keep our eyes locked without saying anything else. My smile fades away as quickly as it showed though.

Clarke takes another deep breath and looks at me inquisitively. "There's more, isn't there?"

I blink, breaking our gaze, and pull away my hand. Resting my elbows on my knees, I drop my head into the palms of my hands. I close my eyes.

"Lexa?"

I feel her hand on my shoulder, but don't lean in to her touch. "Forget it," I mumble, "it's childish."

"I bet it isn't," she tells me, "but let's decide about that after you told me. Come here."

Her hand slides further up, towards the base of my neck, which I know is out of her reach and will hurt her for sure. Which is also why I resist the urge to walk away again and give in - though with a small sigh of defeat, which she pretends not to hear.

I lay down on my side, where her arms are waiting for me. They offer a comfort I didn't know I needed. We shift around a bit until she's spooning me from behind in a way that doesn't make us fall off the couch. I close my eyes again, seeking shelter in this little world that's just ours.

"You are hurt," she says when I stay quiet. It's not even a question.

My lip trembles, but this time I don't bite it.

"They didn't even try." My voice is so thin I doubt if she can hear me. But she doesn't ask me to speak up louder, and now that I've started I don't know how to stop anymore. "All my life I told myself they didn't had a choice," I go on. "That only the bravest try to find a way out, and you can't expect anyone to be _that_ brave. And you can't be... you can't be angry with someone for not being that brave. But Madi's parents were. They tried, and they succeeded. They did that for her."

My chest tightens and I feel hot tears burning my eyes. I swallow to hold them back.

"Don't," Clarke softly breathes, "Don't fight them."

I gasp, and as I do, the tears come out, together with more words. "They did that for her, Clarke. And I'm glad. I'm glad that they did. But..."

With my voice stuck in my throat again I can't finish. I don't have to, though. I have Clarke.

"But they didn't do that for you," she whispers.

"They didn't," I cry, half aware that there are tears coming out I never knew were in there. "Why didn't they? Why didn't they choose me? Why didn't they protect me?"

She holds me tighter, rocking me back and forth within our limited space.

"I don't know, love. I really don't. They should have, and who knows they did try? The only thing we do know is that they lost. They lost _you_. Their baby girl. Barely three years old. And maybe, just maybe, that's exactly what made them brave - in the end?"

I turn around in her arms, careful not to hurt her, and look into her eyes. I don't find any bullshit in them, just compassion. She gently presses her lips against my forehead, then continues as I silently nestle my face in the crook of her neck, "They had to watch you grow up from afar, knowing there were only two options for you. Two options no parent wants for their child. It must have killed them. So how could they go through all of that again when they gave birth to not just another child, but another Nightblood?"

"So, they learned from their loss," I mumble against her skin. "What does that leave me?"

"Nothing," she admits. "Except that it wasn't all for nothing. It saved Madi's life." She kisses me again. "In a gruesome, heartbreaking way you saved Madi's life."

I know she isn't wrong. I just feel it's not enough. And that there is no enough. There's nothing she, or I, or anyone can say that will make this enough. I've made excuses for their choices my whole life. Not just because I had to so I could get through, but because I truly believed it. Now I will have to live with yet another truth. A truth that things _could_ have been different, if those two people who were supposed to love me, supposed to protect me, cared just a little bit more. Chose to be a little bit braver.

"Lex?"

"Hm?"

"You're gonna be okay, right?"

It's hard to miss the worry in her voice.

"Of course," I lie through my tears, "I'll be fine."

... ...


	28. 28 Clarke

**CLARKE**

That night we sleep on the couch together, wrapped in each other's arms. Too tired to think, talk or move any more. Yet when I wake up the next morning, she's gone. And she doesn't come back until late after dinner.

I ask her about her day and she tells me all about it. She tells me how she's been out in the woods with Rosita and two guys I haven't met yet - Daryl and Aaron. And how she will meet the council again in a week to talk about the further collaboration between our groups.

"And how do you feel?" I ask her, "You know, after yesterday?"

As soon as my question is out, she seems to freeze. She just stares at me, her mouth half open, like the answer gets stuck in her throat somewhere. Then she swallows and abruptly gets up to her feet.

"I'm good," she simply states, "It's late. Let me help you to the bedroom."

The next couple of days aren't much different, except for the fact that Siddiq comes by to check up on me and to bring me some crutches. Despite the medication I'm still in too much pain and discomfort to explore this place, but at least now I can move around the house a little bit.

"Where's your squad?" he asks me while examining my leg.

"Out," I sigh. "Learning, researching and helping to protect _your_ squad."

His kind eyes lock with mine and the corners of his lips form a compassionate smile. "And what about that bothers you the most right now? The fact that they've got stuff to do, or the fact that you don't?" He suggestively raises his brows.

"Let's just say I'm not used to sitting at home," I confess, since he seemed to have figured it out already anyway. "With the world on fire, and people relying on me, it just feels wrong. And... useless."

Siddiq puts the splint back on, before looking at me again. "It's not though," he smiles.

I narrow my eyes, not following him.

"The world is not on fire," he shrugs nonchalantly, "I mean, sure, it's a big mess. But it's been a mess for the last ten years. I hate to say it, but this is our new normal. You just... gotta find your way in it."

Not knowing how to respond, I just nod. But even though he makes it sound easy, I really have no clue how to do that, how to simply accept a situation and live with it. Ever since I stepped out of that dropship at age seventeen, life has been about trying to change the world around me. Striving for change has become second nature. Like it's in my veins.

Cautious not to hurt me Siddiq gently pats my leg. "How about you just try to enjoy your little break, since you don't have another choice anyway?"

"How? Everyone is out all day," I grumble. I know that I'm acting a tad juvenile, but I can't really control it since it feels too good to get the frustration off my chest, and since he doesn't seem to be bothered by it. In fact, he seems kind of entertained by my misery, in a sympathetic way.

"I could bring you some books," he suggests, while getting up and collecting his things, "If you're into reading of course."

"Actually..."

He turns to face me again.

"You think you could bring me some pencils? Or chalk maybe?"

He answers by showing another wide grin, and doesn't disappoint when he comes back later that day to drop off all kinds of art supplies.

... ...

Days pass by with Lexa being either away or too quiet for my liking, but on the night after the council meeting she is a bit more talkative. She tells the three of us that our people can stay where they are and settle down there if wanted, although the advise would be to find a place that doesn't have to be build from scratch. But eventually that's up to us. The most important thing is that this part of the woods is ours is we want to, as kind of a thank you for defeating the Whisperers. Also there might be a spot for us in their coalition, somewhere in the near future, if all leaders agree. So that will be discussed at another hour.

It's good news and I think I can actually see some relief on her face, but before we can chat more about it she's already gone again to start yet another security shift. Two minutes later Raven follows her to do god-knows-what, leaving Madi and me alone at the dinner table.

I look at her, watch how she's gazing at the door Raven just left through, her mind clearly elsewhere.

"Did she talk to you?" I ask.

Looking at me, she frowns. "Raven?"

"No, Lexa."

She shakes her head. "Hardly."

I want to ask her how she feels about this, but the way she pulls the jug of water towards her and starts to fill our glasses gives me the impression she doesn't want to talk about it. But I'm wrong. Right before she puts her glass to her lips, she restlessly puts it back on the table and continues, her voice now low and insecure. "Is she mad at me?"

"What? No!" I scooch a bit closer and lay my hand on top of hers. "She's not mad, Madi, she's just... upset. But not with you! Believe me, she cares a lot about you."

She averts her eyes, sadness clouding her face. "She doesn't want to be my sister."

"I don't think that's true. Right now, she's just processing. She's got a whole lot to deal with, and she doesn't know where to start. She needs time. We can't do anything else than give her that, and be there for her when she's ready."

"And then she'll talk to me?"

"I'm sure about that," I nod, squeezing her hand. "She told me she would."

Her eyes find mine again. "Does she talk to you?"

A sigh escapes me before I can stop it. "Hardly," I answer. "I mean, she talks, but not about the things that matter."

Another moment of silence follows, in which my mind goes where it always goes these days: to Lexa, and her lonely struggle.

"Clarke," Madi pulls me back at last, "is she okay?"

With our eyes locked I draw my lips between my teeth. It doesn't keep me from taking another deep breath. Now I'm the one to shake my head, before sharing the bitter truth with her.

"Hardly."

... ...

Like so many nights this week I'm already in bed when she comes home. She tries to be quiet, but when she notes that I'm still awake she comes over and kisses me.

"How are you? Any less pain?" she asks, considerate, though already moving to her side of the bed before I can answer, or even better: pull her in.

"A lot better, yes," I tell her as she slides under the sheets. "I missed you, though. How are you holding up?"

I roll to my back, ready to welcome her in my arms. But unlike any other night she doesn't rest her head on my chest. Instead she just turns off the light on her nightstand and stays like that, her back turned towards me.

"I'm fine," she says. "Just tired."

She doesn't move, or say anything else, and the heavy silence between us is killing me.

Minutes pass.

"Lex," I can't help but breathe after what feels like - and might actually be - an hour, "are you asleep?"

She's smart enough not to say yes. Yet not answering at all doesn't tell the truth either. The sound of her breathing is enough to tell me she's wide awake.

Rolling onto my side again I now face her back. Her silhouette stands out in the moonlight. I stretch my arm. She shivers as my fingers rake across the bare skin of her shoulder.

"Where are you?" I whisper into the darkness.

When she doesn't respond the room feels even more empty. But then she turns over and finds her place in my arms - finally, and without hesitation. Her lips gently stroke my collarbone when she answers me, her voice barely audible.

"I'm right here."

I hear her. I feel her. But I don't believe her.

We both know she's miles away.

... ...

"Clarke, look who came to see us!"

Sitting on the porch bench in front of our house I can hear Madi's voice from fifty yards away. I peek over the railing and watch how she's coming closer, together with a familiar face.

"Bellamy!" I cry out when he climbs the steps to join me on the veranda. "Now that's what I call a nice surprise. What brings you over?"

"That Jesus fellow," he laughs, showing me that crooked smile of his. "He came by on his way back to Hilltop to inform us about your accident. We figured it would take you a bit longer than a few days to come back. But now that it's actually been three weeks we felt like I'd better check on you." His grin fades. "How are you?"

"I'm doing better. I swear! There's no need to look this worried."

"You broke your leg!"

"I survived worse," I shrug. "Now tell me, you didn't come here all alone, did you?"

He shakes his head, then takes a seat right next to me. "Nah, Shaw came with me to see Raven. Madi showed him where to find her."

As Madi disappears into the house to get us all some food and drinks, we stay quiet for a moment. He looks around, taking in the street and the houses across from ours. "Nice place," he nods approvingly, "Sure beats a tent in the woods."

"How's it going down there? Are you able to manage peace?"

"So far, yes. About thirty people chose to leave. I expect most of the prisoners to do the same, but for now they're still asleep. But that still leaves us with over two hundred people at the camp. They're all good, but also starting to get a bit restless."

"They want to start building," I gather, "I get that."

"Yes," Bellamy nods again, "But most of all they want to see Lexa. We can tell them all we want, but it's pretty clear that in the end they're waiting for her orders."

When I stay quiet he tilts his head to look at me.

"Speaking of, where is she?"

"She left," I say, quickly adding when a look of concern crosses his face, "To DC, I mean. That's one of the bigger cities in this area, or what's left of it. She joined a whole group of people to go scavenging this morning. Actually, Shaw is lucky, cause Raven really wanted to join, too."

"Why didn't she?"

I shift in my seat, turning a bit more towards him. "Cause it's still a day walk, making it a three day trip at least. And making her a bit of a liability, according to the people in charge." I feel a small chuckle rise in my chest and my lips curl into a grin. "Now that I think of it, maybe Shaw isn't that lucky. Raven is a nightmare ever since she got benched!"

"Well, then maybe Shaw is just what she needs," Bellamy winks.

Despite all sorrow of the past few weeks, I can't help but laugh. "Let's hope so!"

"All jokes aside though," he continues, "when do you think you guys are coming back?"

I run my hand through my hair, giving his question some thought. "Honestly, I don't know," I admit. "I hope to be back on my feet in about a week, but I've been told it can easily take two or three more. So I can't tell. I can only promise you we'll be back as soon as we can. I'm well aware of the rising impatience among Wonkru."

"And Lexa is too, right?"

"Of course she is," I reassure him, but as soon as the words are out I doubt if they're actually true. Truth is I have no idea what's going on in her head these days.

... ...

They return four days later, drawing quite some attention when they bring in a wagon full of useful stuff. There are three people pulling it - Daryl, Aaron and Kyle, I know by now, since in the past weeks I've met most of the Alexandrians - while Lexa and Rosita help them by pushing it from the back. They're chatting and laughing, and as I watch them I realize it's the first time in almost a month that I see her like this. Joking and... at ease.

It should make me happy, but for some reason it doesn't.

The heavy gate gets closed behind them and together they start to unload the wagon. That's when Lexa spots me, still watching them work from a short distance. She speeds towards me.

"Look at you walking the streets," she cheers, "Good for you!" Her kiss is more passionate than it has been in weeks. It's strangely overwhelming.

"It's hardly walking," I mutter, "Still only one leg, two arms."

"Those arms are growing some serious guns though," she giggles. She turns away to wave at the others, signing to them that she's off, then looks at me again. "Let's go home."

As we start walking - or hopping - I continue were we left off. "I just feel like I need to stay in shape. Since we're going back soon and all."

As soon as the words are out her face twists, making her grin disappear and her expression closed up. "What are you talking about?"

"About going home, or whatever you wanna call it. It's been almost four weeks, Lex. I'm pretty positive I can make the trip in like a week or so."

"We don't have to, though."

I look at her, not able to hide the surprise on my face. "Of course we do! People are waiting for us."

She avoids my eyes, keeping her eyes on the sidewalk in front of her. "Says who? Maybe Indra never told them? Or maybe she did, but they don't care? Or worse, they don't want me there..."

"They do," I tell her, as I carefully climb the three steps to our porch. "Bellamy told me."

"Bellamy?"

Taking a moment to catch my breath I look at her, watch how she opens the door and goes in. The happy and relaxed Lexa I saw five minutes ago is gone again, replaced by the Lexa that's been around me for the past few weeks.

"Yeah," I start to fill her in, while following her through the hallway. "He was here, together with Shaw. He told me that everyone knows, and that people are getting impatient. They're waiting for your return, and your orders. I told him we'd be there as soon as possible."

She turns around. "You shouldn't have."

"But why not?" I exclaim, my voice full of confusion. Hasn't this always been our plan?

"Because..." She blinks, then forces herself to look at me again. "Because I don't know if I want to leave Alexandria. I like it here."

My eyes grow wide and I think I can actually feel my jaw drop.

"You hear what you're saying?! You made those people out there rely on you, and wait for you, and now just want to abandon them?"

"Yes," she admits quietly, and a little reluctant.

"Because _you like it_ here?" I go on, air quoting those three words.

She just shrugs.

It's like I'm talking to a stranger. Except for the first day and that one moment I just witnessed I haven't seen her laugh - or even smile - once. I haven't seen her happy. And I know why that is, I know she's been feeling lost ever since the truth about her family came out, but it doesn't add up with what she's saying right here. That this place does offer something that she likes, and maybe even makes her happy.

I exhale, a pointless effort to ground myself. To keep it together.

"What is it then? What makes you like this place so much? Or-" I abruptly fall quiet, realizing it could be way worse than this. Squinting my eyes, as if to have a better look at her, I force myself to continue. "Or should I ask _who_ makes you like this place?"

She doesn't look away this time. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you've spent a lot of time with a whole bunch of new people these weeks. And with one girl in particular." Feeling my chest constrict I take a deep breath. I hate that I'm even asking this, but I know that I have to. "What's going on between you and Rosita?"

... ...


	29. 29 Rosita

_Note: TWD universe in this fic is canon until somewhere towards the end of 9x07 (So Magna's group did arrive in Hilltop, but they never had the search party for Eugene, and Jesus - as we all know by know - never died). At that point in canon Rosita's pregnancy wasn't mentioned yet, which gave me the possibility (and made me decide) to not let her be pregnant in this fic at all._

* * *

 **ROSITA**

 _FOUR WEEKS AGO_

Waiting for her on the sidewalk I watch how she gently closes the front door behind her and makes her way towards me. I can't really say I know her after the two times we've met, but I'm pretty sure she looks different this morning. Tired and absent.

"Rough night?" I ask when she's close enough.

"Something like that," she mumbles. I don't get the chance for more questions. Squaring her shoulders, she looks at me and goes on in a stronger voice, "So what's the plan for today?"

"We're going to clear the traps we set out," I explain as I turn around and start walking towards the gate. Lexa follows me straight away.

"We're collecting mice?"

Without slowing down I tilt my head to look at her. "Please, tell me you're joking?"

She gives me a half-shrug and pulls a face. "I'm trying to."

I shake my head while moving on, deciding I'll let this one go. I'm not really the humor-me kind of girl, especially not before sunrise, but I'm sure there will be plenty more options for her to find out about that, and to realize it's a waste of her breath.

"Hey, don't worry, I know you're talking walkers here," she goes on when I stay quiet, "I'm actually quite familiar with them, you know?"

"Good," I nod. "So how many have you killed?"

"Walkers? I don't know. A million?"

She sounds breathy, like she's just talking about the weather, but for some reason I don't think she's joking.

"Alright," I continue my questioning, "then tell me this. How many people have you killed?"

This time she doesn't answer straight away, and when she does, her voice sounds slightly different.

"Too many."

"Why?" I ask, "Why did you kill them, I mean?"

She looks at me, narrowing her eyes. "Is this some kind of test?"

"Yes," I say, catching her off guard with my straightforwardness. "So you'd better answer me. Unless you don't want your sword back before we head out."

As Lexa keeps our eyes locked for a moment she seems to weigh her options. Then she inhales deeply, slowly nodding like she actually understands what I'm asking.

"Fair enough," she says with the slightest hint of a smile. "I've killed for survival. To protect myself, or the people I care about. I've killed out of mercy. And-" She falters, and I can tell she silently debates herself whether to move on or not. She does. "And I've killed out of revenge," she quietly adds, in a way that makes me believe this is something she'd rather forget about.

It makes me think back of the time I went after Negan. Not my best move, but boy did he deserve it. Our gazes cross again.

"An eye for an eye, right?" I grimace a smile.

"That's what I used to believe," she confesses with a small sigh. "Before I got some new insights on the matter."

This time I'm the one to nod in understanding. We continue the rest of our short walk in silence.

Once we reach the gate Aaron and Daryl are already waiting for us. They both look at Lexa as soon as we join them. Daryl seizes her up. "You're ready to go out there?" he asks her.

"Depends," she answers him, while turning to me. "Did I pass the test?"

The corner of my mouth quirks up, just a little, but enough to keep me from building some tension. "For now," I state, "Now let's see what you can actually do with that sword of yours."

 _THREE WEEKS AGO_

Feeling like I've been on my feet for at least a month I drop myself on the couch and close my eyes. The house is all mine, and I relish the peace and quiet that comes with it. Within seconds I can feel myself drifting off. That is until a sudden knock on the door forces me to wake up again. I moan, get up and move to the door to open it.

It's Lexa.

"Hey," I yawn, still sleepy. "We're not on duty tonight, are we?"

She shakes her head. "No, don't worry. I just came from the council meeting and Gabriel asks me to stop by your place on my way home. He asked me to tell you he won't be home till late."

"Alright," I nod, "thank you."

"No problem." She mirrors my smile, just briefly, then turns around to walk away.

"Hey, Lexa," I call after her, stopping her in her tracks, "You wanna come in? Tell me about the meeting?"

Spinning on her heels she faces me again. "I don't want to interrupt anything."

I scoff playfully. "Too late for that!"

Lexa follows me into the house, where she takes a seat on one of the kitchen chairs, while I get the both of us a glass of fresh-made juice. As she takes a sip I hop onto the counter.

"So how did it go?" I curiously ask.

During one of our nights on the wall she told me she wanted to discuss a certain part of the woods between our settlements to build one for her own group of people. I couldn't think why Gabriel and Michonne, as well as Jesus, Ezekiel and Cyndie would mind, since that's not really an area that offers us many resources, but I liked the fact that she has the decency to come over and ask. Unlike some others.

"Smoothly," she smiles. "Apparently getting rid of those skin freaks was enough to win you people over."

"Yes, we are very easy to please," I can't help but laugh. "But seriously, I bet they realize you guys have more to offer than that. Whatever it is though, welcome to the neighborhood."

I raise my glass, and after she does the same, we both take another sip.

"This is good," she tells me as she puts her glass back on the table. "You made it?"

"Hm hm," I hum. "I don't really cook, unless it's camp food, but I do know how to make some cocktails. Including the virgin ones."

She picks up her glass again and spins it around in her hand. Suddenly, her mind seems elsewhere.

"What is it?" I ask her. "Disappointed by the lack of alcohol?"

Lexa breaks her gaze away from the glass and looks up at me again.

"No. No, that's not it. It's just... the taste brings back some memories. It's a lot like the juice my mom used to make. Or at least..." She falls quiet again, then mumbles underneath her breath, "or at least who I thought was my mom."

I'm not sure I heard correctly, but since it feels like those words weren't meant for me in the first place, I don't ask any further. Which she seems to appreciate.

She clears her throat. "Anyway..."

"Yeah..."

I watch how she finishes her drink, forgetting about my own for a moment, and how she gets up as soon as her glass is empty.

"I should go," she says. The doubt in her eyes doesn't match the steadiness of her voice. "I promised Clarke and the others to be home for dinner."

"Sure." I jump off the counter to walk her to the door. "Unless..."

She bobs her head, waiting for me to continue.

"Unless you wanna stay a bit longer. We could play some Gin, or something? I mean, it's still pretty early."

A pensive look crosses her face. Then a smile. A real one, that shows relief, and gratitude. At least that's what I think it is.

"Yeah," she nods, her smile growing wider. "I'd like that."

 _TWO WEEKS AGO_

"I just don't get it. Why the sudden change? I thought we were doing fine!?"

Gabriel's hand rests heavy on mine. I pull away.

"It's not sudden, Gabe. I've always been some kind of unsure. I just couldn't pinpoint it. So I let it be."

"And now you know? You figured it out?" He raises his brows, and I wonder how something that's actually so clear can be such an enigma for him.

"I did," I nod, "I realized that doing fine is just not good enough for me. Apocalypse or not, we should never settle."

He doesn't answer straight away. Instead he gets up, paces around the kitchen, then leans onto the counter; the palms of his hands flat on the surface and his back towards me.

"It's Siddiq, isn't it?"

I slowly exhale, trying to keep my patience. After all, this is harder on him than it is on me. "It's not Siddiq."

"Anyone else then?"

"No! My God, is it really so hard to understand that people can decide to end things without there being anyone else? That being happily alone is better than being miserable together?"

I can't help it. I'm raising my voice, even though he doesn't deserve it. But this is exactly it. The _not_ understanding. The need to explain how things work. How I work. Not just now, but all the freaking time. He's not a bad guy. He just really, really isn't mine.

Turning around to face me again, he shakes his head. "I'm sorry. I didn't know I made you miserable."

"You didn't," I reassure him. I get up, walk towards him and take his hands in mine. "You didn't make me miserable, but I will be if we'd go on, ignoring this feeling I have. And then I would make _you_ miserable, and you don't deserve that."

For a second I expect him to pull away his hands, but he surprises me by softly squeezing mine. "So you're doing me a favor? Well, thanks a lot."

"You're welcome," I mirror his forced little smile. I know he's being sarcastic, but who am I to take that away from him?

He finally lets go off my hands and sits himself back on his chair. "Now what?"

I watch him scratch his head, like we're dealing with a case of higher mathematics. But we're not.

"Now I'm going to alternate Michonne and Lexa, as my shift is about to start. And then I'll go to Aaron to hijack his sofa."

Shaking his head again he sighs. "You don't have to. This is your house, too."

"It's not though." I show him another weak smile, one that I know is filled with both sadness and relieve. "It's never really been."

 _LESS THAN A WEEK AGO_

"I like your cap. Did I tell you that already?"

I didn't notice her come up, being lost in my own thoughts for a moment, but the sudden sound of Lexa's voice pulls me back to the here and now. I tilt my head to look up at her, yet our eyes don't meet as she's still examining my army cap.

"I used to have one just like that. Or well, almost," she goes on. "Lost it ages ago, though I don't remember where."

I nod in recognition. "I thought I lost mine, too. But I found it back when I was getting my stuff at Gabriel's the other day."

For some reason I pause, expecting her to jump in with questions about our break-up, like pretty much every other Alexandrian who I've talked to this week, but then I realize she's new in town and probably couldn't care less. She doesn't ask anything, and I go on. "It's old and pretty worn out. Not worth wearing anymore, really. But it somehow felt like that one piece I needed to find myself again. To be me." Hearing myself ramble, a sudden laugh escapes me. "Shit, I sound like shrink material."

When she joins my laughter, the sound of our snickering breaks the dead silence of the night as it echoes against the chimneys around us.

"Nah, you don't. Not more than any of us, that is," she grins. "And hey, sorry for interrupting - again! I didn't expect anyone to be up here, to be honest."

"That's alright. You can sit if you want. Unless you came here to be alone, then you're out of luck. Me and my friend ain't going nowhere."

"Your friend?"

As she narrows her eyes in question, I raise my hand and show her the bottle I'm holding. Another chuckle falls of her lips.

"Where did you find that?"

"What?" I pull my most innocent face. "You're saying you never kept anything for yourself while scavenging?"

Still smiling Lexa shakes her head and lowers herself to sit down on the warm asphalt of the roof. I offer her the bottle. She gazes at it with a hint of conflict in her eyes.

"I really shouldn't. It's been ages."

"Sounds to me that's exactly why you should," I shrug.

She doesn't fight me, but takes the bottle instead, puts it to her lips and takes a huge gulp. Coughing, she checks the label, then gives the bottle back to me. "I feel like there's a theme here," she says, pointing when she notes my puzzled look, "More gin."

I laugh again, then suddenly fall quiet, giving her an intense look. "Lexa? I... I need to ask you something."

Staring back at me, she uncomfortably starts to shift around. "What?"

I lean closer. "Do you wanna be my gin buddy?"

She snorts, yet her expression shows more than just amusement.

"What's with the relief?" I ask, sitting back again, and still smirking, "Scared that I was gonna propose?"

"No," she answers, "Just that you were gonna ask some complicated question. Where I'm from, where I've been..."

I frown. "How's that complicated?"

With her eyes now lingering on our wide view over DC, she stays quiet for a moment, before mumbling, "It just is."

I offer her the bottle again, since she looks like she needs it, which she gratefully accepts.

"Don't worry" I reassure her, "I wasn't gonna ask you any such questions."

"Why not? Anyone else would."

I shrug again. "I don't know. You just don't strike me as someone who appreciates them."

She cocks her head, while handing me the bottle. "Thank you," she smiles, though with the softest sigh. Something tells me she's not just talking gin here.

We stay silent for a moment, an unspoken feeling of understanding between us. Then I brusquely take another sip, before raising the now half-empty bottle. "To gin buddies! And to going forward!"

"And to finishing that bottle," she adds, already stretching out to take over from me again.

I can agree with that, not minding the fact that it's keeping us stuck on the roof a little while longer, since we don't really have anything else to do than wait till the night turns into day again. We take our time, not wanting to get completely wasted, and keep chatting about random things we like. Music, movies, nothing that really matters, but somehow - I suddenly realize - all things from before the world went to hell. Almost from another life. It's not necessarily sad though. Just... melancholic.

"We did loose a lot, didn't we?" she breathes. I turn my head to look at her, as we're now both lying on our backs, watching the stars above us. Her question sounds rhetorical. I answer it nonetheless.

"That's a fact. But you know what's the good thing about that?"

She faces me. There's curiosity in her eyes. "What?"

"This." I tap my finger against the visor of my cap. "The fact that there's also a lot to find back."

She squeezes her eyes, seemingly giving it some thought, then nods. "That's true."

"So, what are your plans? Thinking about staying yet?" As I ask the question I realize I want her to answer yes. Truth is I haven't really had a friend to hang around with like this since Tara left for Hilltop. Which I wasn't aware I missed this much until right now.

Lexa averts her eyes to the sky again. "I wouldn't mind," she sighs, "But I've got to build that settlement, remember? There are people out there waiting for me."

I furrow my brows. "But why? Can't they just start without you? Hell, _live_ without you?"

She sits up, and I do the same, making my head spin. I try to ignore it, too intrigued by her story. But she's not going to give me any answers.

"Who said you and your people even want us to stay?" she asks instead.

"Uhm, I don't know," I cry out, pulling a face. "Maybe because you guys are fun, and tough, and helpful, and did I say fun already? I haven't seen Eugene this cheerful in months. Even years maybe!"

"You're just saying that," she scoffs. Before I can argue with her she stands up and starts moving towards the edge of the roof, sighing, "God, I miss big cities like this."

I quickly get up as well. "Lexa, get away from there!"

"It's okay," she calls over her shoulder, "I'm not afraid of heights."

"Maybe not, but you're not completely sober either," I tell her, carefully following her. She might not be scared, but that really makes only one of us. Yet afraid or not, I quicken my pace without thinking when she starts to climb the railing. "Come on, don't do that!"

"I'm just gonna sit h-eeeey!"

She screams as I pull her arm with more force than intended, making the both of us fall backwards. She lands half on top of me.

I stare at her. If this was a movie I would probably kiss her now. Or she would kiss me. Or we would kiss each other.

But of course this isn't a movie. Even though it very well could be. With the scenery, and the moonlight, and the pretty girl. Had I really not noticed before how pretty she was? Cause she is.

Damn, she is.

Those lips. And cheekbones. And eyes - the greenest and deepest I've ever seen.

It's not that I've never been attracted to a girl before. Though I can't really remember the last time. And I really, _really_ didn't lie when I talked to Gabriel. There wasn't anyone else. And there still isn't. But that doesn't mean there could be. At least for the night...

Without fully realizing it I close the gap between us, slowly, giving her the time to react, in whichever way. But she doesn't move. Not towards me, but not away from me either.

"What are you doing?" she whispers.

"I'm not sure," I breathe. "Do you need me to stop?"

Keeping our eyes locked, she swallows. "I- I'm not sure."

We stay like that for another five, six seconds - completely still, with her breath warming my face and her eyes telling me a thousand things at once. We stay like that until I can't bear it anymore.

That's when I move in. And she doesn't move away.

And our lips find each other.

... ...


	30. 30 Lexa - Alicia

_Since I posted three chapters at once, just make sure you don't miss the previous two! ;-)_

* * *

 **LEXA | ALICIA**

"What is it then?" Clarke asks bewildered. "What makes you like this place so much? Or-" She stops mid-sentence and narrows her eyes. "Or should I ask _who_ makes you like this place?"

I feel like she's looking right through me, or trying to at least, and I force myself to keep my eyes on hers. "What do you mean?" I ask, knowing what she means.

"I mean you've spent a lot of time with a whole bunch of new people these weeks. And with one girl in particular." She deeply inhales. The rest of her words come out in one long breath. "What's going on between you and Rosita?"

I swallow. I don't want to lie to her. I mean, it's bad enough that there is something I could lie about, but since I can't change that, I really don't want to be dishonest. She deserves so much more than that.

"She kissed me."

My voice is hardly louder than a sigh, but I can tell my words hit her like a hammer. She freezes, just for a slight second, then pulls herself together, knowing we're not done.

"A- And?" she stammers.

"And I let it happen," I gasp, feeling as if there's suddenly not enough air to breathe.

"You mean you kissed her back?" Her eyes are blazing now.

I nod. There's no way back now. "Just for five seconds. Maybe te-"

"What else? You fucked her?!"

"What? No! I just answered that stupid kiss, then pulled away as soon as I realized what I was doing!" I cry out. I know I'm raising my voice, but right now I really need her to hear me.

She finally breaks our gaze as she starts pacing around, which isn't easy considering her situation. She's too distracted, too furious, to be bothered by it though.

"And how am I supposed to believe that? Wouldn't be the first time you betrayed me. Hell, you're about to betray your own people-"

"Clarke, stop!"

She does, literally, by standing still and looking at me again. The pain in her eyes is unbearable.

"Oh, you need me to stop? Like you needed to stop, when you were-"

"I did! I did stop! I lost myself in the moment for like five seconds. That's it. That's really all it. I don't even wanna be with her. Not then, not now... not _ever_." I step closer to her, almost cautiously. To my relief she doesn't jerk away. "I only want to be with you."

"Then why did you do it?" she huffs, her chest still rising and falling with heavy breaths, but her voice slightly calmer.

I shake my head. "I don't know. I honestly don't. I just... I felt like such a mess. After the whole resurrection thing, and the truth about my parents thing. I lost myself, and at the same time I started to question if I even wanted to find myself back again. It's all so complicated, Clarke, and so demanding. It's just..."

My voice trails off, but she knows there's more, and she doesn't help me out by filling the silence. Not this time.

I lean against the back of the couch, my hands folded in my lap. Staring at my fingers I try to find the explanation for something I hardly understand myself.

"I think... I think I just liked being no one for a bit. Instead of being... everyone. Does that make any sense?"

She sighs. "Call me crazy, but it does."

I want to speak up, apologize and most of all thank her for her understanding, but she's not done.

"Lexa, there has never been one moment I didn't understand what you were going through. As far as that's possible, that is. But has there _ever_ been one moment, one second even, that you thought about me? How all of this is for me? You've been distancing yourself from me for weeks. How do you think it feels to find out that someone else can offer you what I clearly can't?"

"No!" I exclaim, abruptly looking up at her. "No one can give me what you give me! Not her, not anyone. This isn't even about her. I just needed to hold on to, I don't know, that feeling... That feeling of being no one. Of being..."

"Free?"

"Yes, free! _That_ was the part that made me feel good. Plus we'd been drinking - though I will not use that as an excuse! - and she just... happened to be there."

Clarke hops towards me, turns around and leans into the spot next to me - her gaze now following mine.

"That's a lot of _just_."

"I know."

"Things like this should never be covered by _just_."

"I know."

She turns her head to look at me. "You also know I kinda hate you right now?"

I've been fighting it, but this is the moment I break. A tear rolls down my cheek, and I suddenly feel too exhausted to wipe it away. "Not as much as I hate myself," I murmur, "Believe me."

"I do."

I look up in surprise. Clarke already goes on.

"You're hard on yourself. You've always been. And everything tells me you took that part with you, in this life I mean. If anyone asks me to describe Alicia, that's probably what I would tell first. And I hate it, I hate that part of you, I hate watching how you can hurt yourself _so_ bad. But this time, I'm not gonna comfort you, or tell you wrong. Tonight I won't be the only one in pain."

I hold my breath as I quietly squeak, "How about tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow is a new day," she answers, before heaving another deep sigh. "We'll have to find out, together with some other stuff. Like where we're gonna go."

As soon as she brings this up again I realize I don't care about staying or going anymore. I'm just glad she's talking about "we". Yet I don't get the chance to tell her this, or - again - how sorry I am. There's knocking on the door, making her jump up - as far as she's able to with her leg.

"I swear to God, if that's her..."

"It's not," I say, while trying to peek around the half-closed curtain and through the dim shimmer of night fall. "Looks like two guys."

I also want to tell her how Rosita apologized straight away, sounding sincere and even a bit ashamed as far as I could tell, and how she knows very well about Clarke... but this doesn't feel like the right moment for that.

Especially when we see who knocked on our door, and are now letting themselves in. It's none other than Jesus and Strand!

"What the-" I shout, already speeding towards my friend. "Strand! What are you doing here?!

"Hey girl," he grins, "Wow, it's good to see you again!"

I release him from our hug, but keep holding on to him, so happy to be this close to him again. "It is!" I cheer, "I just don't get it." Then, suddenly a little worried, "Is everyone alright?"

"Everyone is fine," he smiles, "but you do have to come with me."

Before I ask any further I look over my shoulder, where my eyes immediately find Clarke's. She looks as astonished as I feel. I turn to Strand again.

"Why?" I ask him at last, knowing that whatever reason he has I most likely have to turn him down. We're already struggling with two choices, there's really no room for a third one.

I'm wrong though. Very, very wrong.

"Alicia," Strand slowly answers, "I have some serious reason to believe Madison is still alive."

 _\- - END OF PART ONE - -_


End file.
